Roommates
by benjji2795
Summary: Jude and Connor are friends over the internet, and they're both starting college. But surprisingly, it turns out that they're roommates! As great as it sounds, both Jude and Connor are wrestling with developing feelings for each other, and close proximity may be the last thing they need. Will they fall in love? Or simply fall apart?
1. Chapter 1

**So some of you might recognize me from my Tumblr and AO3 accounts of the same name as this new ff account. I've had it suggested to me by a few people that I should start posting my fics here, so I've decided to take their advice. I'm first going to start off with my multi-chapter fics (this one, Finding Us Again, and A Christmas to Remember), and every couple of days I'll be posting one of my one-shots, as well as posting any new writing as I finish. I'm excited to share my stories with a new audience, so I hope you guys enjoy this! Feel free to leave reviews as well as stop by my Tumblr (benjji2795) to send me a message :)**

*Twitter DM's*

Jude: I'm really nervous about meeting my roommate

Connor: I'm sure he's a nice guy I mean they made you fill out a survey right?

J: Yeah they did

C: So they've already checked to see if you'd be compatible with your roomie

J: I know, but I don't even know his name

J: I wish I hadn't forgot my housing login

C: It'll be fine I'm sure Jude…now I gotta go I've arrived for my move-in too

J: Ok bye ttyl

Jude liked talking to Connor, his internet friend. He felt like Connor understood him in a way few other people did. Jude was starting to have a problem with the whole "internet" thing though. They only were ever able to talk by Twitter DM's. It was frustrating Jude. Connor was obviously his best friend, and they often messaged for hours, but they never got to hang out or _actually_ talk. Jude snorted. _Like us hanging out would actually be a good idea_ , he thought. Jude was pretty sure he was starting to like Connor as more than just a friend. Connor, his **straight** friend (well Jude assumed he was straight; he'd never said he was gay or bisexual or anything like that, but he'd had several girlfriends and hook ups, or so he told Jude). And the craziest part of it to Jude was that it had nothing to do with Connor's looks. He'd only ever seen one picture of Connor before (and that was a couple of nights ago). No, Jude had started to fall for Connor's personality only, a sensation Jude was finding rather strange.

As he was mulling over all these thoughts about Connor, the door to the room opened and a boy stepped in. He was tall, about six foot three, well-built, with deep brown eyes you could easily get lost in, sandy brown hair, and a radiant smile that seemed to brighten the whole room. There was something very familiar about the boy, but Jude couldn't quite put his finger on why.

"I going to guess that you're my roommate." he said.

"Room 2110?" Jude asked.

"Yep, that's me." the boy replied, smiling and extending his hand. Jude took it, shaking it and introducing himself.

"I'm Jude. Jude Adams Foster."

"Well it's nice to meet you Jude. I'm Connor Stevens." As his name tumbled out of his mouth, everything clicked into place for Jude and he screamed.

"You—I—we—internet—" Jude said, only gibberish coming out of his mouth as he stood there pointing at Connor, trying to process everything that this meant.

"Jude? Are you alright?" Connor asked cautiously. Still finding it impossible to form words with his mouth, Jude instead pulled out his phone and opened Twitter.

J: You're literally talking to me right now idiot, no I'm not alright

Connor's phone dinged, nearly sending Jude into another fit of hysterics.

"One second Jude, I gotta check this it's probably my best friend." Connor said, pulling out his phone. He tapped the screen a few times, stopping to stare at the message intently. Jude could see the realization spreading across his face, Connor dropping his phone as he did, mouth hanging open. He stood there for a few seconds, before a smile started to form, and Connor closed the few feet separating them, tackling to Jude to the floor with a hug.

"Oof!" Jude groaned. "Get off me you big lug." Connor just grinned at him.

"I'm just so happy to finally get to meet you in person!" he practically shouted.

"I'm happy to see you too but I can't breathe Connor!" Jude gasped, but only sounding slightly out of breath. It wasn't really that he couldn't breathe, it was that Connor lying on top of him like that was doing…things to his body. Things that Connor might notice, he thought ruefully, which would be really awkward. Connor rolled off of him, instead sitting cross-legged next to him, a goofy grin still plastered on his face. Jude sat up, feeling a smile play across his lips as he surveyed the grinning boy next to him.

"So we're going to be roommates." Jude continued.

"I know! Isn't it great?" Connor said, bouncing around like a five-year old.

"Yeah it is." Jude replied, struggling to match Connor's level of excitement.

"Okay, I gotta go get the rest of my stuff, I'll be right back!" Connor exclaimed, bounding out of the room. Connor's energy reminded Jude of a puppy, Jude thought. It was pretty cute, but even as he considered that, the smile was fading from his face. On the internet, with Connor miles away, Jude had nothing to worry about when it came to his developing feelings for Connor. He could choose his words carefully, and Connor never saw the lovesick look he was starting to wear whenever they would message. Now with Connor here, sharing a room with Jude, it was going to be much harder to hide his feelings. In fact, Jude thought, if Connor was always this adorable, it was going to be impossible. Jude sighed. College was going to be a lot harder than he had been prepared for, and for none of the reasons he might have expected. Academics he could handle. Connor on the other hand…

Jude heard footsteps approaching, and he quickly arranged his face into a smile again. Connor burst into the room, carrying more boxes and bags than Jude thought it should be physically possible for one person to carry. Connor dropped them on the floor, panting slightly, and Jude caught sight of his rippling muscles, feeling his breath catch in his throat. His face shone slightly from some sweat that had formed, and his hair was gently tousled. On top of that, Connor was still wearing the same grin he had on his face when he had left the room earlier. Connor was not only adorable, he was hot as fuck, and Jude swore in that moment he could feel his heart tripping and falling for Connor. Connor didn't notice though, turning around and walking out, Jude presumed, to bring in more boxes.

"Shit." he muttered.


	2. Chapter 2

"Shit." Connor muttered, once he was sure he was far enough away from the room that Jude wouldn't here. His elation at actually meeting Jude had faded the second he found himself lying on top of Jude just staring at his face. Meeting Jude had confirmed everything that he had been terrified of. He anxiously ran his hand through his hair, sliding down the wall to sit on the floor. Jude had managed to smash through every wall Connor had ever built to protect himself from facing his sexuality, leaving him surrounded by rubble and staring two disconcerting facts in the face: one, that he was gay, and two, that he was super gay for Jude. The more he thought about it, the more his mind raced and the quicker his breathing got. He needed to get out of his head. Get drunk, maybe smashed enough to take a girl to bed. Maybe that would shut up the voice that was now nagging him, at least for a few days.

Just then, Connor noticed a boy walk past wearing a t-shirt bearing some greek letters Connor didn't recognize. Guessing that this boy was part of a fraternity, Connor leapt to his feet, chasing after the boy.

"Do you know where I can find a party?" Connor gasped. The boy simply laughed.

"It's the first night back on campus dude. You probably won't have to walk more than five feet to find a party, bro." he replied before walking off.

"Thanks." Connor mumbled, walking out to his car to grab the rest of his things like had been intending to when he left the room.

"I'm going out tonight Jude, I'll be late." Connor told Jude when he made it back to the room. He didn't know why he felt like he needed to tell Jude, but if Jude asked he would just say it was out of courtesy so he didn't get pissed off when he stumbled into the room at 3 AM.

"Really Connor? You're going to a party?"

"But I didn't—" Connor began to protest.

"I actually know you Connor, remember?" Jude reminded him.

"Oh. Right." he muttered.

"But by that same token, I also know I can't stop you so I'll just tag along." Jude continued. _This could work_ , Connor thought. See, his plan for dealing with the whole Jude thing had originally been to use starting college as an excuse to start distancing himself. They only talked on the internet, so it would be pretty easy to do. Just a couple of taps, and Connor could go back to happily denying his sexuality. But now Connor had to come up with a new plan to drive Jude away. He felt as if he wasn't in a place to actually deal with his feelings, so instead he just wanted to get rid of the source of them. Sober Connor could never do anything to drive Jude away, but maybe Drunk Connor might be able to. He would at least try tonight, and see what happened.

They arrived at the closest party to their dorm around 8:00, Connor walking inside and immediately heading for the "bar" such as it was. He grabbed a beer and a shot, quickly downing both in less than a minute before repeating the process.

"You trying to knock yourself out before midnight?" Jude exclaimed at seeing Connor drink so much so fast.

"I ain't no lightweight Jude." Connor replied, already starting to feel a little buzzed. "C'mon Jude, have a drink." he continued, pouring a double shot and handing it to Jude. Jude just stared at it for a few seconds, before shrugging and quickly downing the whole thing.

"Seems like you've had a drink or two before, huh Jude?" Connor said, a giggle escaping his lips.

"My friend Taylor dragged me to a couple parties in high school. I don't particularly like drinking but I guess I don't mind going to a party occasionally." he answered, as Connor poured another shot, shoving it at Jude. He took it, figuring that it wouldn't hurt to have a couple of drinks. He didn't plan on going to any parties during the semester, so he might as well take this opportunity. He quickly grabbed another shot, throwing all caution to the wind on what amounted to his fourth shot in five minutes. Maybe if he got drunk enough, he'd forget about Connor and go home with some other boy. Speaking of Connor, Jude noticed that he'd already stumbled off, he guessed to find some girl to start sucking the lips off of. Jude was already starting to feel tipsy, so he grabbed a beer and walked out into the living room to join the party.

Not twenty minutes later, it was obvious to any casual observer that Jude was already smashed. He would grab any boy close to him, clumsily trying to get them to dance with him. One boy did, and before Jude could stop himself he was forcing his tongue into the other boy's mouth, the other boy happily obliging. Connor, not the lightweight that Jude appeared to be, saw this scene as he came down the stairs, and feeling the anger start rising in his chest, hurried into the kitchen. He was far too sober to follow through with what he was considering doing. So he poured himself two more double shots, drinking them both quickly before staggering out to find Jude.

Connor woke up the next morning with a pounding headache and someone in his bed. That wasn't unusual, since he normally ended up sleeping with some girl when he got as drunk as he remembered getting last night. But what was strange was the fact that he was fully clothed, and his last memory was of pulling some guy off Jude and—Connor groaned inwardly, so as to not wake up the girl in his bed—kissing Jude. So what happened after, he wondered. He slowly opened his eyes, hoping that whoever was in his bed would provide more clues as to the rest of the night. It took all of his self-control not to scream when he finally realized who it was in bed with him. Jude. _FUCK_. Quickly, but carefully, Connor got out of bed, which he now realized was actually Jude's. Jude didn't stir, and Connor breathed a sigh of relief. Jude wouldn't remember what happened at the party, he was already black-out drunk by the time Connor kissed him, and now that Connor had got out of bed first, he wouldn't know that they had ended up in the same bed. Connor grabbed his jacket, hurrying out the room and trying to clear his thoughts. So much for Drunk Connor driving Jude away, all Drunk Connor could do was try and get in to bed with Jude, he thought bitterly, walking away from their room as fast as he could.


	3. Chapter 3

Jude woke up, cursing loudly when he felt the throbbing in his head. He had completely forgotten about the consequences of "throwing caution to the wind" when it came to drinking. In fact, he had pretty much forgotten everything about last night, except that he went to a party with Connor. He didn't remember what happened at the party, or how he got back to their room. Maybe Connor would know, Jude thought. He stumbled out of bed, first searching for some water and Advil, before walking over to Connor's bed to see if he was awake. Jude groaned. Connor wasn't there. He probably never made it back from the party. He quickly tossed on his shoes, sprinting out of the room to find Connor, only to run into him just outside, knocking both on the floor.

"Oh. There you are." Jude said, pulling himself off Connor, and reaching out his hand to help Connor up. Connor took it, and Jude had to ignore the jolt of electricity that his touch sent up his arm.

"So Connor, what happened at the party last night?" Jude asked as they walked into the room, settling down on the couch to talk.

"Not much. I mean you played tonsil hockey with a couple of guys, but that was about it for you." Connor answered lightly, trying to be playful to throw Jude off of his lie. Of course, that wouldn't matter if Jude remembered something from party. "You took off for here without me around 1:00 AM." he finished, correctly expecting Jude would want to know how he made it back. Jude scrunched up his face in concentration and Connor held his breath.

"Huh. The last few times I got that drunk—"

"Wait, 'few times', you mean getting that drunk is a regular occurrence?"

"No it's not so shut up. The 'last few times' took place over like 3 years. And those last few times I always ended up waking up with some other guy."

"Meaning you slept with them?" Connor prodded.

"What do you think Connor?" Jude shot back, glaring at him.

"Hey I'm just saying that I've woke up with girls that I didn't sleep with." Connor argued.

"Well I slept with those guys. Trust me, I could tell."

"What do you m—"

"Do you really want to know Connor?" Jude challenged. Connor shut his mouth. They were quiet for a moment, before Jude spoke up.

"Wait I remember something now," Connor froze. "I think some guy was—he must have been harassing me because you pulled him off me. I guess after that nobody wanted to go home with me." Connor exhaled.

"Sorry 'bout that. I was just trying to protect my friend." he muttered, playing along with Jude's retelling of the story, grateful that Jude didn't remember what happened after.

"'S no problem. I would've just regretted if I had actually slept with someone." Jude replied, chortling softly. Connor was relieved that Jude didn't remember what happened last night. Internally, he vowed to be more careful, as there was no way he could dodge that bullet more than once. But now, there was something else bugging Connor about what Jude had said.

"Jude?"

"Yeah Connor?"

"All this time we've been friends, and you never told me you were gay. Why not?"

"It's cause I'm not. I'm demisexual, not gay. It's difficult to explain to most people. They don't know it exists and they don't understand what it means, so I don't usually bother to tell anyone." he explained.

"I'm your best friend!" Connor spluttered, obviously hurt.

"I just—I didn't have a love life to talk about so I didn't think I needed to mention it. Besides Connor, you never asked." Jude replied softly.

"Oh." Connor paused. "Okay, so explain it to me now."

"Demisexual means that I don't find someone attractive unless I've already formed an emotional connection with them." He stopped for a second before adding "I guess I do usually date guys so I guess that also makes me homoromantic."

"Wait, but if you're not attracted to those guys you met at those parties, why did you sleep with them?" Connor asked, obviously confused.

"And you mean to tell me that you've never slept with a girl you didn't find attractive?" Jude retorted.

"Fair point. But homoromantic?" Connor asked, going back to Jude's last point.

"Yeah. Sexual orientation and romantic orientation are two different things Connor. For most people they're the same, but they don't have to be."

"Seems like there's a lot I don't know about this stuff." Connor said, sinking back into the couch.

"Well, since we're talking about this, what about you Connor? Like do you want to talk about your sexuality? I mean you don't have to, I'm just saying you can if you want to."

Connor bit his lip.

"I—honestly Jude? I don't know and I—I don't feel like I'm in a good place to figure it out." Connor said, obviously not being honest with Jude, but expressing more about his sexuality than he ever had before. A stray tear rolled down his cheek, and without thinking, Jude reached over and grabbed his hand.

"It's okay Connor, you don't have to know." he said, looking into Connor's eyes, his voice soft and understanding. "Just…just don't beat yourself up about not wanting to figure it out, okay? Cause you don't have to; figure it out that is." Connor leaned over, placing his head on Jude's shoulder and wrapping his arms around Jude.

"Thanks Jude for—for this." Connor said, referring to their conversation. Jude hugged back, a little too tightly and a little too long before pulling away.

"You're welcome Connor." he said, pulling away and walking quickly to the bathroom, leaving Connor alone on the couch.

"I'm in trouble." he muttered as he shut the door, recalling the vulnerable look in Connor's eyes. He was failing miserably at not showing Connor how he felt. "Big trouble."


	4. Chapter 4

Jude stood there, staring at himself in the mirror for, well he wasn't sure how long, trying to figure out what the hell he was going to do next. It was definitely too long though, because eventually there was a gentle knock on the door.

"Jude, is everything okay?" Connor asked quietly. He sounded timid, almost scared, as if he thought something he said had upset Jude. Jude cursed silently. It was as if the Connor and the universe was conspiring against him, as everything Connor seemed to do was making him fall harder.

"Yeah Connor, I'll be out in a second." he said, breaking his gaze from the mirror to look at the door as he spoke. When he looked back at the mirror, he was a little surprised. He hadn't even noticed that he had started crying. But why was he crying? He didn't know exactly, but he was definitely in trouble now. He couldn't hide his red, puffy eyes from Connor, and he was almost certain that if Connor didn't think it was something he said now, he most definitely would when he saw his eyes. Less than two days, and suddenly everything involving Connor was incredibly complicated. Jude took a deep breath, opening the door, and being surprised to find that Connor wasn't there. Jude looked at his watch, finding it was well past noon, and tried to convince himself that Connor just went to get lunch. He collapsed on the couch, grabbing the remote and turning on the TV, looking for something that might take his mind off the growing problem that was his crush on Connor.

 _I don't know_. That was more than Connor had ever admitted out loud to anyone before. He took a shaky breath, laying his head on the steering wheel of his car. Not even two days and college had gotten severely complicated. Jude and his own sexuality. The two things were interconnected and he could escape for neither. That morning he had taken a walk to try and clear his head. Only problem was it did nothing to clear the clutter, only muddying the waters further. Talking to Jude had though. _Jude_. It seemed that Jude was becoming the answer to all of Connor's problems. So he ran out to his car, trying to avoid the realization of what that could mean.

Connor started to blink back tears, slamming his hands on the wheel in frustration. Talking to Jude about Jude's sexuality, and about his own, made Connor realize just how much he actually hated himself. He was just gay. And Jude was homo—whatever he had said, Connor couldn't remember now, and he seemed so comfortable and happy with himself. Why couldn't he feel the same way?

Connor groaned. Right, his dad. That was why. He'd had one friend in middle school that his dad thought might be gay, and he could remember vividly, even now, the rage on his dad's face, the anger and hatred in his voice.

"I won't have no gay kid turning my son into a faggot!" he screamed. Connor had only just started to question himself, but then that one exchange, that one word had put a stop to it. His dad's obvious loathing of the boy who he didn't even know the sexuality of suddenly made it clear to Connor that being gay was something he could never be. So he suppressed his thought and feelings, beginning to build up all the walls that protected him. Except now Jude had broken through them, and away from his dad, on his own, Connor started to question his identity like he had back in middle school. And God, he was scared.

He cried for a few more minutes before getting out of the car and slowly making his way back to the room, arriving to find Jude asleep on the couch with the TV on. Connor smiled at the sleeping boy. _Jude_. Jude was the reason everything was changing. And maybe, just maybe, he was okay with that.

The first week of classes flew by for both of them. They didn't share any classes, much to Jude's chagrin and Connor's relief. For as much as his crush on Connor worried him, Jude just couldn't stop himself from wanting to hang out with Connor all the time. Connor on the other hand, wanted some space to try and figure things out. It was Wednesday and Connor had barely said anything to Jude. He was coming back to the room late, muttering something about the library before immediately going to bed. Jude decided tonight he was going to meet Connor at the door. He was going to talk to him one way or another.

Connor opened the door, surprised to see that Jude had taken one of the desk chairs and had moved it to the door. For all the progress that he had made, Connor had decided Sunday night that maybe it was better to go back to ignoring his feelings, and that included ignoring Jude. Not that he was enjoying not talking to Jude, but he felt it was something he had to do.

"Isn't the couch more comfortable?" Connor asked.

"Yeah, but you can easily walk past me when I'm sitting on the couch. This way I could talk to you before you got to bed." Jude said coolly. Connor gulped.

"Jude I—"

"How is it you already have so much homework? It's only been two days."

"I—"

"If I didn't know any better, I would say that you're avoiding me Connor. Are you?" Jude continued.

"Just been busy, you know with Calc and all that. Too easy to get behind." Connor spluttered nervously. Jude sighed. For all he knew, Connor could be telling the truth. He took Calc in high school, and he knew much of bitch it could be. Though Connor's reaction suggested otherwise, Jude decided tonight it wasn't worth the fight. Maybe Saturday he could get more out of Connor. So he stood up, pulling his chair away from the door, and Connor rushed past him, mumbling _night_ as he quickly got into bed.

Jude and Connor didn't talk the rest of the week, as Jude decided he might as well just go to bed before Connor got back. It would be less confrontational he supposed, since Connor just didn't seem to want to see him. Now he was extremely nervous about Saturday. They still had all the events of last weekend hanging over them, and without having talked about those events, it was getting more awkward by the day. And Connor decided that rather than face Jude on Saturday, he was going to go the batting cages early in the morning and then spend the rest of the day in the library, his favorite spot for avoiding Jude.

Jude woke up to an empty room on Saturday morning. He sighed, disappointed. He had been hoping that he would get up before Connor so he could catch him before he inevitably took off for the day. There was no doubting now that Connor was avoiding him. He wondered where Connor could've gone so early, where Connor would've wanted to go. An idea struck him like lightning, and he leapt out of bed, getting dressed and sprinting out of the apartment towards the campus' athletic complex.

 _Crack. Crack._ Over and over again. Pounding the baseball into the net. Channeling all of his emotions into the bat and the ball. Normally going to the batting cages cleared his head, but as seemed to be the case recently, none of his normal activities seemed to be doing anything. Rather than hitting nice, high fly balls and firm line drives, he was driving ball after ball into the hard concrete, hitting ground ball after ground ball.

Jude stood quietly in the shadows, watching Connor. He looked like he was hitting the ball terribly, not that Jude was sure. He didn't know much about baseball. Rather he noticed the scowl on Connor's face after each hit, the furrow in his brow getting deeper with each ball that he drove into the ground.

"Arrrgh!" Connor screamed, the frustration of the last week beginning to really bother him.

"Well, that was a noise." Jude giggled after recovering from the surprise of Connor's outburst. _Jude_. What was he doing here, Connor thought. Jude was the source of his anxiety and tension. Except, Connor noticed, now that he was here, Connor felt himself starting to relax. This whole thing with Jude was getting confusing as hell.

"Wait how did you—"

"You seem to forget that we pretty much already know everything about each other." He said, giggled still not subsiding.

"Oh. Yeah. How long have you been watching?" Connor mumbled, trying to turn his attention back to the pitching machine.

"Not long. But long enough to see that it looks like you're frustrated." Jude replied.

"I—yeah" Connor said, taking another swing.

 _Crack._ The ball soared high and long. _Crack._ Another swing, another solid hit. Now it was working. Now he could feel the tension leaving his body. Shit, so now Jude was making him both anxious and relaxed. How the fuck did that work? And how was Jude making his swing better?

"That looks a lot better. You're pretty good." Jude said quietly, observing the look of relief that replaced Connor's scowl, and Connor felt his stomach erupt with butterflies.

"Thanks." He muttered. So he kept hitting, Jude sitting there, watching him, and every hit while Jude was there was great. Jude made his swing better, made him hit better. Connor exhaled. This was not a good sign. He had been avoiding Jude all week, and now that he was around, he didn't want him to leave. He felt better, more himself when Jude was there.

After, as they walked back to their room, a little closer to each other than necessary, Connor tried to consider what all meant. Connor sighed, but not loud enough for Jude to hear. It was time to face the music, he supposed. He had fallen for Jude, and he had fallen hard.


	5. Chapter 5

As they walked back to their room, Jude kept trying to think of how he was going to ask Connor about the last week. Connor had been avoiding him, no doubt about that. But why? It couldn't possibly be what Jude hoped it was. There was no way that Connor was avoiding him because he actually liked him, right? He must have said something that made Connor uncomfortable last Sunday. That was the only possible explanation. Unless…there could always be that, the one thing that often happened as a result of who he was…

"Do you have a problem with me liking guys?" Jude blurted out, the thought coming out of his mouth faster than he could stop it.

"What? No! Why would you say that?" Connor exclaimed, obviously hurt that Jude would think that he did.

"It's just—you've been avoiding me all week Connor." Jude answered quietly, shoving his hands deep into his pockets, already feeling embarrassed for even asking the question.

"I needed some space to think about stuff okay? It had nothing to do with you." he explained, giving a half truth. He definitely needed space to think, that wasn't a lie, but it _did_ have everything to do with Jude.

"I just—I'm sorry I'm so used to people, you know, not being okay with it and I just assumed—"

"Well can you please not assume things about me Jude? I don't have a problem with you being into guys! Jeez, give me a little credit." Connor snapped.

"I just couldn't think of any other reason why you would be avoiding me, you know?" Connor stopped. Jude probably had dealt with someone being negative almost every day since he came out, and he had every reason to be suspicious of him. He hadn't exactly said anything positive about it since Jude came out to him on Sunday.

"I guess—I guess I understand. That has to be hard, dealing with people who don't accept you all the time." _Hence why I haven't come out yet_ , he wanted to add. "Sorry I didn't mean to snap at you like that."

"Look Connor, its fine."

"Wow, we're really doing a great job of actually being friends, aren't we?" Connor said sarcastically. They'd really been doing horribly. The dynamic of actually being around someone was so different. He wasn't really prepared; neither of them was in the slightest.

"It's just talking to you in person is so different." Jude commented.

"What do you mean?"

"I dunno, I guess online I always had time to reply and it wasn't weird when it took me more than five seconds. Now, if I don't reply right away, it just seems awkward I guess, and so in trying to not make things awkward, I keep saying the wrong things."

"In case you haven't noticed, I'm not exactly doing a stellar job either." Connor protested, not wanting Jude to take all the blame for this himself. Connor had obviously messed up worse than Jude. By not talking to him for a week, he made Jude think he hated him when there was no way he actually could.

"Well Jude, if I haven't said it yet, I'm glad that we met and are roommates. Honestly. Even if I haven't really acted like it." Connor said genuinely, trying to make some kind of apology for his asinine behavior.

"Yeah Connor, me too." Jude replied with a smile. They walked in uncomfortable silence, Connor grasping for something to say.

"So I was thinking about going to a party tonight." He said, changing the subject.

"After the fiasco that was last weekend?"

"Hey it wasn't that bad for me! I actually had a good time." _Kind of true_ , he thought. _Kissing you was probably my favorite part_ was what he wanted to say, but Jude didn't know that had happened and Connor wanted to keep it that way. Plus that kind of was the only part of the party he remembered. "So did you want to come?" He asked, knowing that having Jude come was obviously a bad idea, but why else would he have brought the party up? In his rush to break the awkward silence, he had said something he shouldn't have. Surprise, surprise.

"You're kidding me, right Connor?" Jude answered, stunned. He thought it was pretty clear that he really didn't enjoy the party (well maybe he enjoyed the party, but he didn't remember that; what he did remember was the awful hangover he had the next day). Connor looked at him, his face making it clear that he _wasn't_ joking. "No Connor, I don't want to come." he said finally, trying to ignore the puppy dog eyes Connor seemed to be giving him. Sure, asking Jude to the party was almost definitely a bad idea, but Connor still wanted Jude to come with him.

"Oh." That disappointed voice. _Dammit_. Connor was going to drag him to another party, unless he came up with something to keep him in the room that night.

"Well, why don't we hang out? I mean we really didn't at all this last week, cause, well you know. We could like, watch a movie or play video games or something." Jude suggested, the words coming out in a rush. He _really_ didn't want Connor going to another party. The thought of Connor making out with some girl (like he inevitably would) there made him cringe and made him—jealous. Yeah that was the only way to describe it.

"You're trying to tell me that a night in the room with you is going to be more fun than a night getting drunk and—alright actually that's fair." Connor said, changing his mind mid-sentence, causing Jude to giggle. "A movie sounds fun. What movie did you have in mind?"

"I uh—hadn't got that far yet. I didn't think you'd say yes. I figured you'd probably have more fun hooking up with some girl than spending a night in the room with me." Jude stuttered nervously.

"Oh hush, hanging out with you most definitely would be more fun." Connor replied quickly, not realizing how that sounded. "You sound like someone who just asked me out on a date and didn't think I'd say yes." Connor continued, laughing, still oblivious to how he was coming across to Jude at the moment. _Not that far off actually_ Jude thought. Thankfully, they'd arrived at the dorms now, and Jude didn't have to answer to that. Connor stopped, turning in a different direction.

"I'm going to the library Jude." He said. Jude raised an eyebrow. "I'm actually going to study this time!" Connor clarified quickly.

"Alright Connor, be back at 4:00! I've decided we're having a _The Lord of the Rings_ marathon." Jude called as Connor took off for the library, Connor throwing a thumb up over his shoulder in acknowledgement.

Okay so he lied to Jude again. He needed time to think, and the library was the best place for that. It was turning out that whenever he was in vicinity of Jude he couldn't take his eyes off him, which, not surprisingly, wasn't so conducive to thinking. Connor had to decide what his next move was going to be. Pushing Jude away wasn't an option, he'd already proved he couldn't do that; nor was avoiding him, because Jude noticed. That left two options: facing his feelings or ignoring them. Ignoring his feelings was easy, because he'd done it for so long, one way or another. Or at least it used to be easy, but maybe not, since Jude was turning a lot of what Connor used to be able to do on its head. And as scared as he was, Connor was getting tired of running. That left facing his feelings, but that meant dealing with two issues: his sexuality, and Jude.

Jude, right, there was another wrinkle he wasn't considering. He had no clue if Jude actually liked him back. It would be a total jackass move to assume that Jude was into him just because he was into guys. That was all he had to go off right now, and he wasn't actually going to make that assumption of Jude.

"Okay, so come out first, deal with Jude later." he muttered under his breath. He probably needed Jude's support more to come out. He probably couldn't do it without Jude, who he might not have to help him if he told Jude about his feelings for him first. So now he just had to work up the courage to say those words. _I'm gay_. To himself first, and then to Jude later.

A sudden noise derailed Connor's train of thought, and he pulled out his phone to see that it was 3:55. Shit, he was going to be late getting back to the room. He jumped up, sprinting out of the library, ignoring the librarian calling after him to stop running in the library.


	6. Chapter 6

Jude wandered into the room after Connor took off for the library, his heart sinking as he walked through the door. Connor's backpack was still in the room, leaning up against the couch. It was going to be pretty hard for Connor to study without it, which meant that Connor lied again. He was just using the library as an excuse to disappear for the rest of the day. Jude sighed; Connor was a really good actor, he had really thought that Connor was excited to have a movie night with him. Jude supposed that Connor just agreed because he had cornered him, and that he was just waiting for his chance to get away. Jude shuffled over to the couch, flopping down and trying not to cry. Maybe Connor wasn't his best friend after all.

Connor ran as fast as he could, trying his best not to be late getting back to the room. The last thing he needed to do to Jude right now was to make him think he wasn't going to show up. Connor looked down at his phone. 4:08. _Shit!_ He was already super late. He burst through the door to their room, ready to apologize profusely. But the apology died on his lips as he observed Jude peacefully napping on the couch. Slowly he tip-toed over to the side of the couch where Jude's head was; kneeling down next to him and gently shaking him awake.

"Jude." Connor said softly. Jude jolted awake, rolling off the couch towards Connor. On a reflex Connor reached out and caught Jude before he could fall on the floor, though he only caught Jude's torso. His legs flopped off, knocking into the coffee table in front of the couch.

"Ouch." Jude mumbled.

"Sorry." Connor grinned sheepishly.

"Hey, you're actually here." Jude replied.

"Of course I'm here. Why wouldn't I be, we're having a movie night!" Connor exclaimed excitedly.

"You didn't take your backpack to the library, Connor. How were you supposed to study?" Jude inquired. Connor froze. All that running, and for nothing. Jude was already thinking he wasn't going to show by the time he'd left the library.

"It's not—"

"Connor, if you don't want to be my friend why don't you just say so? Because I—" Jude said, interrupting Connor before Connor returned the favor.

"That's utterly ridiculous, Jude, I want to be your friend!" Connor protested.

"Then why do you keep lying to me?" Jude retorted. Connor sighed, looking down at the boy who was still in his arms.

"There's some—some stuff that I'm dealing with that I'm just not ready to talk about Jude."

"Just tell me that then, Connor. I promise that I understand." Jude said, looking back up at Connor, staring into his deep chocolate-brown eyes. That wasn't exactly a great idea. Jude struggled to finish his sentence, starting to lose himself under Connor's gaze. It was Connor who broke eye contact first, looking up.

"I just keep fucking up, don't I?" Connor asked, leaning back.

"Nah, it's just little mistakes, nothing big." Jude tried to assure Connor, even though he _had_ made some pretty big mistakes (now just wasn't the time to talk about them). "So-you mind putting me down now?"

Connor felt his face heating up. He hadn't realized he was still holding Jude up off the floor; Jude was light enough that it wasn't straining his arms at all to be lifting him like that. He hurriedly leaned forward, setting Jude back down on the couch and continuing to kneel there awkwardly, trying to hide his blush. He was so busy trying to cover his face that didn't notice that Jude's cheeks were pink too.

"Anyway, how about we start that movie now?" Jude asked, breaking the uncomfortable silence.

"Uh yeah, sure." Connor stuttered, scooting over so that Jude could stand up. "I uh, I'm going to grab my blanket do you want me to grab yours, Jude?"

"No thanks Connor, I'll be fine." Jude said as he walked over to the TV to set up the movie. Connor stumbled over into the bedroom, pausing for a second to collect his jumbled thoughts. Or at least he thought it was a second.

"Connor, get your ass out here or I'm going to start the movie without you!" Jude shouted. Connor snatched up the closest blanket to him and ran back out into the living room, plopping down on the couch next to Jude, who promptly burst into a fit of giggles.

"What's so funny?" Connor demanded.

"That's my blanket, Connor!" Jude exclaimed through his laughter. Connor buried his face in Jude's blanket, trying to disguise the blush that was creeping up his face again.

"It was dark and I was in a hurry." Connor mumbled into the fabric, trying to explain his mistake.

"I mean it's not a problem, you can use it if you want." Jude said quickly, his laughter fading as he sensed that Connor seemed to be really embarrassed.

"No it's okay, I'll go get mine." Connor said, beginning to stand up before Jude grabbed his arm and (tried) to yank him back down onto the couch. Connor could've walked off if he wanted to, Jude wasn't that strong, but he let himself be pulled back down.

"I am _not_ waiting another ten minutes for you to take that back and grab your own." Jude commented. Connor groaned, shoving his face back into the soft fabric of Jude's blanket. He was in there for ten minutes?

"It's cute when you're all flustered like this." Jude added before clapping his hands over his mouth. Connor didn't reply; he just burrowed his head deeper into the blanket, staying that way for a few minutes. Jude exhaled. Maybe Connor didn't notice his slip up. "Now come on, get your head outta there we need to start the movie if we want to finish before 4 AM!"

"Four in the morning?!" Connor exclaimed, his head snapping up.

"Yeah, all three _The Lord of the Rings_ movies together are nine and a half hours. And that's if we just watch the theatrical versions." Jude explained. "And it's not like you wouldn't be up that late if you went to a party." Connor glared at Jude, even though he was right about that.

"Just start it, Jude." Connor murmured, wrapping himself tightly in Jude's blanket, trying not to think about how much he was enjoying that it smelled like Jude.

Connor made it through _The Fellowship of the Ring_ and most of _The Two Towers_ without too much trouble, but now he was starting to get sleepy, letting out a long, obnoxious yawn.

"Jeez Connor, you better not be falling asleep on me over there!" Jude teased, gently shoving Connor.

"What, I'm not!" Connor protested, shoving Jude back before another yawn escaped his lips. They both giggled. "Okay, maybe I am." Connor admitted.

"Okay, here, wait one second." Jude said, pausing the movie and getting up. Connor didn't bother to crane his neck to see where Jude was going, but he found out quickly as Jude returned clutching Connor's blanket.

"So you're gonna use mine then?" Connor questioned through another yawn.

"Well you've got mine dummy and I'm not going to be cold."

"Fair enough." Connor muttered quietly, his head drooping towards his chest. Jude smiled, rolling his eyes. Connor could barely make it through two movies, the wimp. Though Jude guessed that Connor probably didn't have his extensive experience with binge watching shows on Netflix all night.

"Night Connor." he whispered, getting up to change the disc, before settling in to watch _The Return of the King_.

Jude didn't know that Connor was a restless sleeper and so he was surprised when a half hour later, Connor suddenly sprawled out, laying his upper body across Jude's legs and putting his head on the armrest (and on Jude's arm).

"Connor!" Jude squealed, shocked but only slightly uncomfortable with Connor on him like this. Connor made a grumbling noise, but didn't move. Jude tried to lift Connor up off of him, but Connor was just too heavy. Looking at how peaceful Connor looked, Jude couldn't find it in his heart to actually wake Connor up, so he went back to watching the movie, falling asleep two hours later during _Return of the King_.


	7. Chapter 7

Connor woke up, bewilderingly finding himself sprawled out on top of Jude. _Well this is awkward_ he thought. That was, until he opened his eyes. After Jude had fallen asleep, he had awkwardly leaned over (his legs still trapped by Connor's weight), laying his head on the armrest; the same armrest Connor had laid his head on. Currently their faces were so close that their noses were almost touching.

Connor froze, his breath catching in his throat as he stared at the face only inches from his. Jude had his eyes tightly squeezed shut, scrunching up his whole face, save for his mouth which was hanging slightly open. His long brown hair had been tousled from its normal swept-over spot, hanging over his forehead, falling just shy of his eyes.

"Fuck," Connor muttered quietly. Looking like this, Jude was absolutely stunning, and Connor felt breathless. But his utterance proved to be his undoing, as Jude's mouth twitched, his eyes fluttering open. Seeing Connor that close to him, Jude bolted upright, startling Connor and making him scramble to get off of Jude. Connor rolled away from Jude, tumbling off the couch and onto the floor, smacking his head on the coffee table as he did.

"Ow!" Connor exclaimed, clutching his head as he lay on the floor.

"Oh my god, I'm so sorry I didn't mean to scare you like that! Are you okay?" Jude blurted out, hopping down to sit next to Connor.

"I'll be fine, just give me a minute." Connor gasped, sitting up and gently rubbing the spot where he contacted the table. They sat in silence for a minute, Jude staring at Connor anxiously. "Sorry about falling asleep on you. I'm guessing you probably weren't too comfy." Connor mumbled after some time.

"S'okay. You startled me a bit when you laid out across my legs, but that was it." Jude shrugged.

"Wait, you were awake when I—uh, ended up um, on you?" Connor asked.

"Yeah."

"Why didn't you just wake me up or shove me off?"

"You looked so peaceful when you were asleep. I didn't want to wake you up. Besides, I wasn't _that_ uncomfortable." Jude replied.

"It didn't look like how you were laying was very comfortable." Connor commented before regretting mentioning it. That was still quite awkward, considering just how close they were lying.

"I'm very flexible, it wasn't too bad." Jude answered, rubbing the back of his neck nervously.

"Still probably wasn't very enjoyable. I'm kinda feeling it myself." Connor grumbled, rubbing his side, still able to feel where Jude's legs were pressing up into it.

"Wimp." Jude said playfully, giving Connor a gentle shove.

"Excuse you! You want to take a look at these muscles and then say that again?" Connor protested, flexing his arms as he spoke, though he wasn't sure how that comment meant Jude was challenging his strength. As he did, Jude decided that he was really regretting challenging Connor like that, because now he couldn't take his eyes off Connor's bulging arms, staring at them and causing an uncomfortable moment between the two of them (of course Jude was starting to find that uncomfortable moments between them were becoming a normal thing).

"You—you couldn't even stay up for all of the first two movies. That's what I was talking about, you dork!" Jude spluttered, finally breaking his gaze and trying to deflect from the fact that he had spent a good thirty seconds with his eyes glued on Connor's biceps.

"O-oh." Connor said awkwardly, definitely having noticed what Jude's eyes had been doing.

"Wanna go get breakfast?" Jude asked, trying to diffuse the tension between them.

"S-sure just let me get changed first." Connor stuttered nervously, stumbling off into the bedroom. Connor breathed out a sigh of relief. _Well that didn't go nearly as bad as it could have_ he thought. But there was still the nagging problem that he was _really_ attracted to Jude. The way he was captivated, staring at Jude's face when it was almost touching his was concerning, as was the fact that he really liked being in that close proximity to Jude. Jude didn't even know Connor was gay yet, he couldn't afford to be acting like this. All he wanted to do was as be as close to Jude as possible right now, something he absolutely couldn't do. He needed to be keeping his distance right now, not be drawing closer to him at every opportunity (though he wasn't sure how sleeping Connor sprawling out over Jude was exactly part of that; it wasn't really his fault, he was just a restless sleeper).

Jude stood up, tossing the blankets on the couch and walking over to the bathroom to fix his hair. He chuckled, thinking about how he and Connor just seemed to be unable avoid ending up in awkward situations. He felt like they were turning into some kind of comedy show. Of course, maybe it wouldn't have been so awkward if he hadn't purposefully leaned over, putting his face that close to Connor's. Thankfully Connor just thought he had leaned over in his sleep. He laughed a little bit harder, though it changed from humorous laughter to nervous laughter. What he did, even though he got away with it, was a sign he was getting far too attached to his straight (well "I-don't-know") best friend.

"I didn't know your hair was so funny." Connor commented as he walked out into the living room, catching sight of Jude through the open bathroom door and hearing his laughter.

"Its sense of humor is a little off the wall, but I think it's funny." Jude replied sarcastically. Connor giggled at Jude's sass. He'd seen a fair amount of sass from Jude in their numerous conversations online, but experiencing it first hand was _far_ better and _way_ funnier.

"Come on you sass pot, let's get going. I'm hungry." Connor said, opening the door to their room and waiting for Jude to walk out so he could give him a playful shove through the doorway.

"Hey!"

"You think you've got enough syrup there?" Connor inquired, laughing as they sat down in the cafeteria to eat breakfast, choosing a booth and sitting on the same side next to each other.

"Not even close to enough." Jude replied, being one hundred percent serious. Connor shook his head.

"Those pancakes are practically drowning already! How can you need more?" he exclaimed.

"I like syrup, okay?" Jude shrugged. "As if you're really one to talk, Mr. Whole-Pound-of-Bacon over there."

"Bacon is delicious Jude!" Connor protested.

"So is syrup," Jude retorted.

"Touche." Connor answered, giggling.

"Awww, you guys are so cute!" A random girl exclaimed as she walked past them. Unconsciously, they had been sitting so close that their shoulders were touching, Connor's head leaning slightly toward Jude. Connor quickly slid away at her comment, muttering _sorry_ as he did.

"You don't need to apologize, Connor." Jude said, turning and looking at Connor, confused. "We were sitting next to each other that's all. She just got the wrong idea."

"I really shouldn't be sitting that close to you." Connor mumbled.

"Why not?" Jude asked, taking a deep breath before he continued. "I mean we weren't that close," he lied. "Besides, I don't mind." Connor stared at him for a moment before scooting back over, not quite as close as before, but still sitting much closer than Connor thought two best friends would normally be.

"Anything interesting happening this week?" Jude questioned Connor, as began to finally dig into his pancakes.

"Just my first baseball practice." Connor shrugged. "It's a scrimmage. That's basically a practice game."

"You nervous at all?"

"Not really." Connor answered. No level of nervousness even came close to how anxious Connor got anytime he was around Jude. Speaking of being around Jude… "Hey, did you want to come and watch?" he asked.

"Is that really a question? Of course I do Connor!" Jude declared, smiling broadly at Connor. "I mean, I don't know much about baseball, but yeah I'll definitely be there to cheer you on."

Connor couldn't help the wide grin spreading across his face.

"Maybe I can teach you a few things before the game?" he suggested.

"Nah, I think all you'll do is confuse me. I'll just watch you and call it good." Jude answered, laughing.

"Okay, suit yourself then. I won't be sitting next to you to explain stuff, so if you're bored, you're on your own." Connor said bouncing in his seat.

"You a little excited about me coming to the game?" Jude asked, noting Connor's actions.

"You bet! I can't wait!" Connor exclaimed excitedly.

"Yeah, me either." Jude grinned.


	8. Chapter 8

Connor was curled up into a ball on the bathroom floor. He felt like he was about to vomit he was so nervous; his breathing was quick and shaky and his face was as white as a sheet.

It was just a scrimmage he told himself. Just like every single other scrimmage, practice or game before, except it didn't feel like it. Jude was coming to the scrimmage and even though Jude knew nothing about baseball, Connor felt like he was under extreme pressure to impress him by doing something spectacular. He was putting that pressure on himself and he couldn't stop himself from doing it; hence why he was currently hyperventilating on floor of their bathroom.

"Shouldn't you be heading out?" Jude asked, knocking on the door.

"Y-yeah." Connor answered quietly. He stood up, steadying himself on the counter before heading out the door.

"Woah, Connor you look terrible." Jude said, stepping in front of Connor and placing his hands on Connor's shoulders.

"Just a little nervous, that's all," Connor mumbled.

"Don't lie, this is not just a little nervous. Um," Jude questioned, biting his lip, "are you nervous because I'm coming?" Connor stared at Jude for a moment, debating about whether to be honest, before nodding in agreement. Jude chuckled. "Look Connor, I already told you I don't know anything about baseball. No matter how you do today, I'm pretty sure I'm going to be amazed. So just relax and have fun, okay?" Connor didn't really react, so Jude added: "You know, if you're going to be too nervous with me there, I can just not come." That seemed to snap Connor out of his daze.

"No! I still want you to come," Connor protested.

"Are you sure?"

"Yeah."

"Okay, well then let's go," Jude replied, shoving his hands in his pockets and heading to the door. Connor slung his bag with his bats, batting gloves and cleats over his shoulder and quickly followed.

Jude nervously wandered over to the stands before the scrimmage was about to start, wondering why his presence at the game was making Connor so nervous. And if he was making him so nervous, why did he still insist that he come? Did Connor want to try and impress him or something? If that was so, then maybe a better question to ask was _why_ Connor wanted to impress him. First he avoided him for a whole week and then now, it seemed like Connor wanted him around all the time and was trying to impress him. Connor was doing a really good job of sending him mixed signals and Jude was confused as hell.

There was a blond boy in the stands who noticed his arrival and waved for Jude to come over. Jude looked around, and not seeing anyone besides a small group of girls sitting on the other end of the bleachers, slowly shuffled over to sit next to the boy.

"Hey there, I'm Josh," he said brightly, as Jude sat down next to him.

"Jude," he replied absentmindedly, scanning the field for Connor.

"So um, Jude, what brings you here? You like, here to watch your boyfriend or something?" Josh asked.

"B-boyfriend? Oh um god no, my roommate is on the team and he invited me to come and watch." Jude replied.

"Oh I'm so sorry, I don't know why I just assumed you were gay, I mean for all I know you could just really like baseball and be here to watch the scrimmage cause you know that's what you enjoy." Josh rambled, wringing his hands and looking visibly nervous (though Jude didn't notice this).

"No, it's fine I mean I am sorta gay, so it's not like a big deal or anything," Jude said, eyes still glued to the field.

"Sort of gay?" Josh replied curiously.

"Long story." Jude answered, finally turning to face the boy next to him. He had a very bulky brace on his knee and he seemed to be having trouble finding any comfortable way to sit. Knee brace aside, he had a medium build, short blond hair which was styled up and made to look slightly messy, bright green eyes and pale, thin lips which seemed to be constantly turned up into a smile. Had Jude known the guy any better, he might have found him attractive.

"Well we have some time."

"Hey um, what's with the knee brace?" Jude asked, quickly trying to divert the subject (he really just didn't feel like explaining the whole demisexual-homoromantic thing today).

"I'm the team's first baseman, but I landed funny making a diving catch and sprained my ACL, so they've got me in this brace for a couple weeks to let it heal," Josh explained. "Really sucks not being out there with the guys. You mentioned that your roommate is on the team. What's his name?"

"Connor Stevens."

"I've never heard of him."

"Well, he's a freshman so I don't know that you would have. Look, he's coming up out of the dugout right now." Jude said, pointing to where Connor had just appeared. Connor turned around and looked up and spotted Jude, smiling broadly and waving. When Connor turned around, as much as Jude tried not to look, he couldn't help but stare at the way Connor's ass looked in his baseball pants. Silently Jude cursed Connor for being so athletic and muscular, but he also cursed himself for being so weak that he couldn't resist looking either.

"Enjoying the view?" Josh said smirking, snapping his fingers in front of Jude's face.

"I uh—yeah." Jude answered shyly.

"So he's 'just your roommate' huh?" Josh questioned.

"It's complicated Josh and not really any of your business," Jude snapped.

"Ahh, so what you're saying is that he's straight then."

"Not exactly. I mean, I don't know what he is. He told me that he doesn't even know what he is, so if he doesn't know then how can I know?" Jude sighed.

"Look Jude, from one gay guy to another, Connor is most definitely trouble. He says he doesn't know but I'll be honest, he's probably straight and then you're just going to get your heart broken." Josh countered, placing his hand on Jude's shoulder, giving him a soft but concerned expression.

From down on the field, Connor was keeping a close eye on this guy who was talking to Jude. He was definitely jealous of this guy (Connor had decided he was far past the point of pretending to himself that he didn't have a thing for Jude). He was certainly attractive, and Connor could see, even from that far away, this glint he had in his eye when he was looking at Jude. Jude, for the most part, wasn't really looking at him, his eyes mostly glued to the field, watching the team warm-up (okay watching him warm-up), and was therefore, completely oblivious. Connor noticed the guy put his hand on Jude's shoulder and he frowned. Jude had turned to him and was now scowling (which made Connor feel a little bit better), but he didn't say anything and he made no move to shrug his hand off or move away.

Connor saw Jude turn his head back towards the field and he must have noticed Connor's frown, as he gave him a questioning look. Connor just shrugged, giving Jude a fake smile before trudging back into the dugout. From that far away he couldn't tell Jude that his frown was because of that guy and it's not like he was really going to say what he was feeling anyway. God he just needed to come out and get all that done with so he could stop tiptoeing around his feelings for Jude.

Connor was on the "away" team for the scrimmage; the coach had split the team in two, one the "Gold" team or home, and the other the "Blue" team or away, and Connor was on the "Blue" team, meaning they would be batting first. Connor grabbed his bat and walked up to the on-deck circle (he was batting second), absentmindedly swinging the bat back and forth, unable to shake the guy who was sitting next to Jude from his mind so he could focus. A small cheer went up; the batter in front of Connor had hit a triple, leaving Connor with a chance to drive in a run with a deep fly out.

Connor stepped into the batter's box, giving a quick glance back in Jude's direction, who gave him a smile and two thumbs up, but Connor didn't really notice; all he could see was that guy still sitting there next to Jude. Trying to shake his head clear, he turned back to face the pitcher, cocking the bat over his shoulder. The first two pitches flew past him for strikes, and all of the sudden he was one pitch away from striking out, when all he needed to do was make contact. The pitcher wound up, placing his front leg down and unwinding his arm towards the plate. Connor watched, swinging and missing at a pitch that landed in the dirt before it even reached home plate, striking out. He hung his head, stepping back and walking back into the dugout.

Once he was safely out of sight, Connor ripped off his batting helmet and threw it on the ground. He had honestly never felt so embarrassed in his life. He had just struck out like he'd never played baseball before the first time Jude had ever seen him play. And all because of that stupid guy that he had no business being jealous of. He slumped down on the bench, burying his head in his hands. Why did all of this have to be so fucking difficult?

"Stevens! Get out on the field!" Coach screamed at him, breaking him from his thoughts. He snatched up his glove and slammed his hat on his head, jogging out onto the field and trying not to look over at Jude and focus on the game.

"Wow that was probably one of the worst at-bats I've seen in a while." Josh commented after Connor struck out, shaking his head. "He took two fastballs that split the plate and then swung at an obvious ball."

The only thing Jude understood of that was that Connor had looked really bad just now, but he shrugged it off; maybe he just was a little rusty after not playing for a while. He turned his attention back to the game, trying his best to understand what was going on (and pretty much failing; he refused to ask Josh because, the less he had to talk to him, the better). But when Connor came out onto the field to play defense, Jude didn't have to know anything about baseball to know that it was a bad thing that Connor dropped a ball that was right in his glove during the half-inning. _What the fuck was going on with Connor?_

"I totally would've made that catch." Josh said condescendingly.

"So?" Jude replied, taken aback by Josh's tone towards Connor.

"Well Connor's playing my normal position. No way he's going to beat me out if he plays like this." Josh answered sniggering.

He frowned. Connor couldn't be nervous because he was worried about beating out this guy. That just wasn't his style; he was generally far too confident in his own abilities. Thinking back to Connor's expression before the scrimmage had started, Jude knew something was on Connor's mind. He looked over at the boy sitting next to him, catching that Josh was basically giving him heart eyes. Now that he saw it, and piecing that together with Connor's behavior, the light bulb went off for Jude. Josh had been flirting with him and Connor had saw. So Connor was jealous! Jude couldn't help but laugh out loud.

"What's so funny?" Josh asked from beside him.

"Oh, um, it's nothing, never mind." Jude told him quickly.

It was really funny to Jude because he really had no interest in the guy; frankly between him assuming Jude' sexuality, all of his snide comments about how Connor was playing and the comment he made about his feelings for Connor being trouble (true or not), Jude couldn't help but think that Josh was definitely a dick. Not that he could just go and tell Connor that now, and he felt it would be far too rude to just stand up and walk away from Josh, and besides he highly doubted Connor would admit he was jealous. So instead, Jude sat there squirming as Connor played probably the worst game of his life, going 0-5 with 5 strikeouts and making three errors in the field. He was squirming not because of how Connor was playing (he honestly couldn't have cared less) but because he had to listen to Josh making snide comments every time Connor screwed up. Jude was looking forward to when the game would be over and he could get as far away from this Josh guy as possible (hopefully never to talk to him again) and hang out with Connor to make him feel better out playing so poorly.


	9. Chapter 9

"Hey Connor," Jude said sympathetically, as he hopped the fence and wandered into the dugout after the scrimmage was over. Connor was sitting on the bench, nervously fiddling with a baseball in his hands and studying the ball intently. He looked up, giving Jude a small smile before returning his eyes to the ball. "Rough game, huh?" Jude asked. Connor nodded.

"I've never played that poorly before, Jude," Connor replied softly.

"Well let's look at it this way, you probably still did better than I would have," Jude said, chuckling quietly as he tried to cheer Connor up.

"Maybe," Connor muttered. They sat quietly for a while, and Jude came to the realization that Connor wasn't going to ask him about Josh, even if it was pretty obvious Connor wanted to know. And since that was what Jude figured had Connor so upset, Jude needed to tell Connor about him somehow; tell him that there was no way he was interested in Josh.

"Hey let's go get something to eat," Jude suggested. "I gotta tell you all about this jerk I had to sit next to the entire game." Connor's head shot up.

"You mean the guy that I could tell was overtly hitting on you from the field?" Connor asked. _There it is_ , Jude thought.

"That would be the one! Come on, I'll tell you about him on the way," Jude laughed, grabbing Connor's hand and pulling him to his feet.

"You mean he just _assumed_ you were gay?" Connor asked incredulously as they walked, staying close enough that their shoulders brushed up against each other every few steps.

"Yes he did, in fact it was the second thing out of his mouth, after his name," Jude explained.

"I—uh wow," Connor uttered, stunned that someone could be that rude.

"I know, right? And the whole game he kept making all kinds of snide comments about how you were playing, this was after I told him you were my roommate and best friend!" Jude exclaimed. "Worst of all, this guy is supposed to be your teammate."

"You're kidding!" Connor asserted.

"Nope, not even a little bit. His name was Josh and he plays first base too. Speak of the devil," Jude muttered.

"Hey Jude! And uh, is this Connor?" Josh said, hobbling up to them. _So much for not ever speaking to him again_. Jude noticed that Connor immediately tensed up next to him at Josh's voice.

"Yeah that's my name but—" Connor spat through gritted teeth.

"What do you need, Josh?" Jude asked politely, cutting Connor off before he could say anything more that he might regret. He sighed, running a hand through his hair; he thought that if he suddenly took off as soon as the scrimmage was over, Josh would take the hint that he wasn't interested, but apparently not.

"I was wondering if you wanted to go get dinner, maybe see a movie some time," Josh asked without a hint of nervousness, which Jude found rather odd. In his experience, guys were always nervous when they asked him out, and the fact that Josh wasn't made Jude very suspicious (not that he was wasn't suspicious of him to begin with).

"No thanks Josh, I'm not interested," Jude said simply, praying that Josh was one of those guys who could take "no" for an answer (Jude had met far too many boys who couldn't).

"What the—" Josh started to say angrily before Connor stepped in between them.

"He said he wasn't interested," Connor growled, standing erectly and using every single inch of his extra height over Josh, trying to intimidate him. "Now back off!"

"Awww, would you look at your precious boyfriend, fighting your battles for you," Josh replied sarcastically. "I mean, he is your boyfriend? Oh wait…"

"Connor would already make a much better boyfriend than you could ever possibly be," Jude retorted.

"Oh yeah, because the guy who doesn't even know his sexuality and is probably straight anyway definitely makes a far better boyfriend than the guy who's actually gay. Wow Jude, I hope you have fun when he breaks your heart, because there won't be anybody there for you. People like me, we can see this stuff coming from a mile away and if you don't listen when we warn you, then there's nothing we can do for you," Josh spat, before turning and limping away.

"Y-you told him? What I said about my sexuality?" Connor said quietly, turning to look at Jude. Jude felt his heart plummet through the sidewalk beneath him. Connor looked incredibly hurt. _Shit, shit, shit Jude say something!_ his brain screamed at him. But he couldn't; he had totally betrayed Connor to a guy he didn't even know. Jude hung his head; he couldn't bear to look Connor in the eye. He couldn't defend what he did because there was no excuse; he had no right to tell Josh anything like that about Connor. So all he could do was nod.

"I can't believe you would do that Jude," Connor continued, even quieter than before. Jude felt his heart shatter; he couldn't believe that he would be so stupid to do that either.

"I-I'm sorry," he mumbled.

"Sorry isn't enough Jude," Connor said, his tone suddenly cold and emotionless as he turned and walked away. Once Connor was out of sight, Jude wandered off, overwhelmed by the guilt that came with crossing his best friend. He wasn't going back to the room. Not tonight; tonight he was going to find some way to forget. Thank God it was a Saturday night.

 _Sorry isn't enough._ That was a lie, because as Connor sat on his bed at 1:00 in the morning, sorry definitely felt like more than enough, if it meant that Jude was in the room with him. Jude never came back, and now Connor was terrified about what might have happened to him. Especially considering that he was probably drunk off his ass and Connor didn't receive a single text or call from him, blubbering all kinds of apologies like a drunk person might usually do. He regretted storming away, caught up in the rush of his emotions. What Jude had said wasn't really that big of deal; if Connor was honest, had the question had been directed at him instead of Jude, he still would've answered it the same way Jude did. And Jude wouldn't have told the guy unless he had a good reason to, Connor reasoned. He should have trusted Jude more; he should have just stayed and talked it through with him instead of walking away. Jude was obviously incredibly upset; he should have just forgiven him and moved on. But _nooooo_ , instead he had walked away, and now Jude could be anywhere on campus, drunk and with no one to protect him. That thought was the last straw for Connor. He just couldn't stand it anymore, he had to find Jude.

Jude had no trouble finding a party (like I said, it was a Saturday night on a college campus), stepping into the party closest to where he had been when Connor had walked off and pounding down drink after drink, but not feeling any better. No matter how much he had to drink, he couldn't escape that horrible feeling in the pit of his stomach. He ambled around the party a couple of times, dancing a little, but every time he just ended up back at the bar, having more drinks.

"Dude, you're totally going to get alcohol poisoning if you don't stop drinking," the "bartender" (such as he was) warned him.

"G-good," Jude slurred. Maybe then he would finally stop hearing Connor's voice echoing in his head, telling him _sorry wasn't enough_.

"Give me your phone," the guy commanded.

"What, no!" Jude protested.

"If you give me your phone, I'll let you have another drink," he said, trying to bargain with the kid. No way was he going to let this kid drink himself to death, and since he had seen that he came in alone, he was going to have to call someone he knew to come get him. The kid stared at him for a moment before reaching into his pocket and handing over his phone.

"Just don't call Connor," the kid told him. Handing over the drink closest to him, he went into the phone and looked through his contacts for this Connor person. He sounded like exactly the guy this kid needed.

Connor was just about to enter the party closest to their room when his phone rang, and he quickly snatched it out of his jeans, answering it as he quickly sprinted away from the blaring music so he could hear.

"Oh god Jude, I'm so glad—"

"Hey is this Connor?" interrupted a voice he didn't recognize on the other end.

"Wait, what's going on?" Connor replied, confused that Jude wasn't the one on the other end. "Why are you calling me from Jude's phone? Is something wrong?" Connor continued quickly, a million different scenarios racing through his head, and none of them good ones.

"Well man, nothing's wrong _yet_ , but you're friend here has been sitting here by the drinks all night and when I said something to him about drinking himself to death, he just said 'good' which is worrying. He came alone so I was just looking for somebody to come take care of him cause something's up with him. He told me not to call you so I figured that's exactly who I needed to call." the guy explained.

"Thank you so much for calling me! I'm coming as fast as I can! Just keep him there," Connor implored, sprinting as fast as his legs could manage while the guy gave him the address of the party.

Connor made it to the party in just less than five minutes, no small feat considering the party was about a mile away. He barreled his way through the crowded house into the kitchen, finding Jude slumped on the floor up against the refrigerator.

"Jude, thank God!" Connor exclaimed, rushing over and kneeling down next to him.

"C-Connor?" Jude hiccupped, slowly turning his head to look at Connor.

"Yeah, it's me Jude," Connor replied softly. Jude stared for a second before bursting into tears.

"I'm so sorry Connor!" he sobbed. "I'm just so fucking sorry Connor, please don't hate me."

"I don't hate you, okay Jude? I know you didn't do it on purpose, I just got upset and I overreacted. I'm sorry for that and I'm sorry I walked away. I should've never left you alone and I'm just so happy you're okay!" Connor explained, wrapping his arms around Jude and pulling him close to his chest as he continued to bawl.

"But-but-b-but—" Jude blubbered incoherently, his voice muffled by the fabric of Connor's shirt that his face was buried in.

"No buts Jude. I forgive you, okay? End of story. Now let's get you home," Connor said, tightening his grip around Jude and lifting him to his feet.

"O-okay," Jude whispered, shifting his body so that his arm was draped over Connor's shoulder, while Connor put his arm around and underneath Jude's armpits to help support him. Turning and quickly mouthing _"thank you"_ to the guy who called him, Connor slowly started walking Jude out and back to their room.

B-but why don't you hate me?" Jude garbled after they'd been walking for quite a while and had reached the hall where their room was. "I-I told your secret."

"Here's the thing Jude, I'm not really keeping it a secret anymore. I'm just trying to figure myself out and it's easier to do that if I'm honest with people," Connor explained as they were struggling up the stairs to their room, giving Jude _another_ half-truth.

"Then why did you get so mad in the first place then?" Jude questioned.

"I don't know, really," Connor mumbled, taking out his keys and unlocking the door. "Knee-jerk reaction I guess."

"Oh I—hey Connor, I don't feel so good," Jude murmured. Connor sighed; it's a really good thing they just made it to the room. He hurried Jude into the bathroom, getting there just in time for Jude to puke his guts out into the toilet. Jude must have had _a lot_ to drink. Jude sprawled out on the floor next to the toilet, and Connor gave him a light pat on the back before he walked out to grab Jude some water.

"I'm really sorry Jude," Connor said when he walked back in, apologizing again for leaving Jude alone so he could end up like this.

"Con, p-please don't tell me sorry, it's not your fault," Jude scolded him, barely finishing his sentence before he was vomiting again.

"But if I hadn't just walked away you—" Connor started to protest before Jude recovered enough to cut him off.

"If I hadn't told that fucking douche your secret, you wouldn't have felt like you needed to walk away, so sorry, it's still all my own fucking fault," Jude lamented.

"Jude I—"

"Connor, would you just let me take the blame for this, you blame yourself for stuff way too much!"

"Okay," Connor admitted, deciding that fighting over this with drunk Jude was not what he wanted to do.

"Thank you," Jude muttered.

"You feeling okay enough to get to bed now?" Connor asked, changing the subject.

"Yeah."

"Okay," Connor replied, lifting Jude up and carrying him to his bed (it was much easier than trying to walk with Jude canvassing him).

"Con?" Jude said grabbing Connor's arm and pulling him back down towards the bed after Connor had pulled his blanket up over him. Connor bit his lip, knowing what Jude was going to ask him. "Please sleep here," Jude mumbled, giving Connor's arm a slight tug as he started to drift off to sleep.

"Jude, I can't," Connor said quietly.

"Please?" Jude begged him, and all of Connor's resolve disappeared. Gingerly he climbed into the bed next to Jude, who immediately snuggled up into his side and fell asleep. What Connor was going to do about this in the morning, he didn't know, but for now he decided that he needed to sleep. So he snaked his arms around Jude, gently hugging him into his side as he laid back and closed his eyes, slowly but surely falling asleep.


	10. Chapter 10

Jude woke up that next morning to a mop of light brown hair tickling his nose and chin. Now this wasn't particularly surprising to him; Jude fully expected to wake up in bed with someone else. No, what was the most surprising thing was that he was actually in his room, and more curiously, the only pain he felt was that which came from his hangover, _and_ on top of all that, he was fully clothed. Finally Jude looked down, trying to figure out the identity of the boy in bed with him, feeling the shockwaves rippling through his body as he realized who it was.

 _Connor_. _Connor was in his bed, cuddled up into his side. Connor was in his bed, their legs tangled together. Connor was in his fucking bed!_ He searched his memory, trying to remember some detail, anything that would tell him just _why_ Connor was in his bed, snuggled into him. But the alcohol was clouding his memory, and there were only flashes that came back to him. After seeing how hurt Connor was, Jude had gone to find a party and drank and drank, the only things he could remember being the "bartender" taking his phone and Connor showing up at the party, but other than that, Jude couldn't remember anything else.

"Connor?" Jude said softly, bringing his hand up and gently ruffling Connor's hair. It was the least awkward gesture Jude could think of; Connor was pressed in too closely to him to be shaken awake, and any kind of kiss, well obviously that was definitely out of the question. Connor groaned in response, burrowing his head deeper into the crook of Jude's neck.

"What time is it?" Connor mumbled, his warm breath washing over Jude's neck and his morning stubble lightly poking at Jude's skin.

"I don't know, I haven't looked at my phone yet," Jude replied. "But it's Sunday anyway, why does it matter?"

"S'cause I need to know whether you woke me up too early," Connor explained, his face still firmly pressed up again Jude, muffling his words. Jude found Connor's behavior fully puzzling; he was acting like waking up with his arms around Jude was something normal, to be expected. Jude didn't understand why, and at this point, he didn't want to understand, but rather just enjoy this moment, this feeling, because Jude was sure it wouldn't last past this morning.

"It's probably at least noon, I mean I think I was out late last night so I wouldn't even wake up much before then," Jude answered, still gently running his hand through Connor's thick, soft hair.

"You weren't out as late as you might think," Connor countered, finally pulling his head back and wiggling around and adjusting his body so that his head was on the pillow, facing Jude, eyes still closed. Connor giggled as Jude exhaled onto his face. "You have really awful morning breath Jude!"

"Well no one ever said you had to move your face this close," Jude retorted, giggling along with Connor.

"Whatever," Connor muttered, his eyes slowly fluttering open, blinking rapidly as his eyelids washed away the sleep from his eyes and Jude came into focus. "So you feeling okay this morning?" Connor continued, his face screwing into an expression of concern.

"Same as any morning when I have a hangover," Jude whispered, grimacing slightly as Connor's voice grew louder, causing the throbbing in his head to intensify. "So about as good as I can feel."

"You want me to get you something?" Connor asked, quickly bringing his voice down.

"No Connor, I'm alright for now," Jude lied. He honestly would've loved to take a few painkillers for his headache, but he didn't want Connor to get out of his bed, because that would be the end of—whatever this was. "Hey Connor, I just want you to know that I'm really—"

"Jude, if you're going to apologize about what you said yesterday, you don't need to. You did about a thousand times last night after I found you at that party," Connor said, cutting Jude off firmly.

"Really? Cause I don't remember—"

"No, I can't imagine you would," Connor chuckled softly. "You were just totally wasted by the time I got there."

"Well thanks for coming to find me," Jude said quietly, looking deeply into Connor's eyes. "Especially since you had no reason to—"

"Jude, stop talking about that, I'm over it, okay?" Connor said, interrupting Jude again by placing a finger on his lips. "And you're welcome."

"Can I at least apologize for doing something so stupid as going and getting drunk by myself?" Jude asked when Connor moved his hand from his lips, putting it back around Jude.

"Hmm, I don't think you apologized for that last night," Connor answered, scratching his chin thoughtfully. "So I guess if you want to."

"I'm really sorry for going off and getting drunk alone. It was dangerous and I promise I won't do it again," Jude said sincerely.

"You're damn right it was dangerous," Connor told him sternly, concern contorting his face. "You're so fucking lucky that bartender guy was looking out for you Jude," he continued, his tone softer but still full of worry.

"I know," Jude admitted, glancing down and trying to avoid meeting Connor's eyes.

"I just don't want you to get hurt," Connor said faintly, using his arms that were already around Jude to pull him closely, squeezing Jude tightly to his chest.

"Thanks for being there for me after what I did to you," Jude whispered inaudibly so that Connor didn't hear his extra apology, resting his head on Connor's as they lay there, hugging each other tightly for a long time. Jude didn't move; he certainly didn't want to move. He wanted to stay like this forever, even though he was sure that could never happen. Connor was just being there for him, as nothing more than his best friend.

Finally Connor had to get up; he had some baseball team function that afternoon that he had to attend. Reluctantly, Jude pried his arms away from their place around Connor's torso and disentangled his legs, but stayed lying in the bed alone. Jude felt as if Connor's arms lingered for a second after Jude removed his, but Jude brushed it off, attributing it to his imagination.

 _This is bad_ , Jude thought as Connor climbed out of bed, getting around to leave. Connor was getting comfortable enough with him as a friend to sleep in bed with him, to cuddle with him, when for Connor, Jude was pretty sure it was nothing more than platonic. It was a dangerous game for Jude to be playing, mixing his romantic feelings with Connor's platonic ones, but he knew that when push came to shove, he would never be able to stop himself.

"See you later Jude!" Connor cheerily called out from the doorway of their shared bedroom.

"Bye Connor," Jude mumbled, lazily throwing up his hand and waving, before turning over and roughly shoving his face into his pillow. He was too hung over to be dealing with these feelings, so he closed his eyes, letting himself drift off to sleep again.

Connor shook his head, trying to clear his thoughts on the walk over to the athletic complex. What happened this morning was totally over the line of simply being Jude's best friend, but when he was half-asleep, feeling the warmth of Jude against his body, it just felt perfect and Connor couldn't bring himself to pull away from Jude until he _had_ to. Now Connor found himself caught in a difficult place; he couldn't voice his feelings to Jude, couldn't even say he was gay yet, and still he needed more of Jude. To be able to cuddle and hold his hand and do all that couple-y stuff, but that wasn't fair to Jude, it could never be fair to him. And yet, maybe Connor had an out, because maybe, if Jude confronted him, he could get away with pretending that he was doing all of that stuff platonically. Jude _was_ his best friend after all…

Connor wandered into the baseball team's weight room for their afternoon workouts, glancing around the room and hoping he wouldn't see Josh there. Much to Connor's chagrin, Josh was already there, sitting smugly on a chair, watching as the team filed in. Josh spotted him, his expression immediately softening as he hopped up, hobbling over to where Connor was.

"Hey, how you doing buddy?" Josh asked him gently.

"I'm fine, no thanks to you," Connor spat. "And so is Jude, glad to see that you're also concerned about him, you know, since thanks to you last night he went out and got wasted," Connor continued sarcastically.

"Why would you even be worried about him?" Josh replied, his voice still fairly soft, but with tones of hostility seeping in. "I mean, he was the one who spilled your secret. I would think he was drinking because of you, not me."

"That doesn't suddenly make me want to stop being friends with him," Connor retorted. "He made a mistake by telling you, and yes, I walked away, but that doesn't make it my fault that he got drunk last night."

"Okay so fine, that wasn't your fault, but he told me that you were questioning your sexuality. Doesn't that make you upset, I mean that shit's really personal Connor," Josh countered sharply, and Connor could swear that there was a mischievous hint to words and tone.

"Look Josh, if you could stay away from both me and Jude, I would really appreciate it. Don't think I don't see what you're trying to do!" Connor shouted at him.

"What, looking out for the guy that I'm sure you're going to hurt? Guilty as charged, I mean it's absolutely terrible that I want to help him out, be on his side," Josh quipped.

"I'm not going to hurt him!" Connor protested angrily, grabbing Josh's shirt threateningly and screaming at him. "You're just trying to drive us apart so you can swoop in and get with Jude! If anyone is going to hurt him, it's you so don't give me that bullshit!"

"Stevens! Johnson! What the hell is going on with you two?" their coach bellowed from across the gym. Connor immediately released Josh, taking a few steps back. "Well? Start talking!"

"It was nothing," Connor muttered, glaring at Josh.

"Yeah, it was nothing Coach. Just getting in Stevens' face, pumping him up for workouts," Josh agreed with a smirk.

"That's right, there better be nothing going on between you two," Coach warned sternly, motioning for the two of them to follow him and join the team to start workouts.

"Oh my god, workouts were fucking terrible," Connor sighed, walking into the room and flopping down on the couch next to Jude, leaning up against him (much to Jude's surprise).

"T-they can't have been that bad," Jude stuttered, muting the TV and turning his head to face Connor, struggling to comprehend just what Connor was doing.

"Okay, so the workouts themselves weren't _that_ bad, it was that guy Josh," Connor conceded, continuing on as if nothing unusual was happening.

"Oh," Jude replied quietly, suddenly forgetting that Connor was leaning up against him. This Josh guy was just not going to go away, was he? "God, I wished I would've just followed my instinct and ignored him."

"It's not your fault Jude, you had no way of knowing he was going to be such a fuckboy," Connor comforted him.

"But now you have an enemy on your team because of me and it's not even the second day of team activities," Jude responded.

"I can take him easy, no worries Jude," Connor assured, leaning his head over onto Jude's shoulder. Jude had to stop himself from breathing in sharply, completely taken aback by Connor's actions. He had no reason to think Connor's affection would continue after that morning, but here Connor was, cuddling with him on the couch. And just like that morning, it was a bad idea to go along, but Jude did anyway.

Jude didn't make any move away from him, and didn't seem to be too unnerved by what he was doing other than a little stutter at first, so Connor took that as a good sign, snaking his arms around Jude's midsection and snuggling with him until they both went to bed.

"Jude! Get up, we're going to be late!" Connor yelled running into their bedroom the next morning and violently shaking Jude awake.

"What?" Jude replied weakly, his eyes open but his words still heavy with sleep. Connor grabbed his hand, yanking him out bed.

"Jude, we're going to be late to class!" Connor reiterated, and that was enough to snap Jude out of his groggy state, and he rapidly began rushing around the room, tossing on his clothes and throwing his backpack over his shoulder, running out of the room behind Connor.

"Does my hair look okay?" Jude asked, frantically running his hands through it as they hurried across campus.

"Yeah Jude, it looks good, like always," Connor said laughing, reaching over and grabbing Jude's hand. Had Jude's mind not been in a state of disarray on account of waking up late, he might have hesitated at the gesture, but this morning, he barely noticed, quickly entwining his fingers with Connor's as they continued to walk.

It wasn't until he reached his class, sprinting into the lecture hall and plopping down into a seat in the back, that Jude finally registered what had happened on the walk over. Jude didn't understand what Connor was doing, but there was no doubt that it was putting him in the difficult position of getting his hopes up that there might be something more between them. He shouldn't let Connor keep doing this without at least knowing his intentions. There was always a chance that if he brought it up, Connor would stop but he had to know if—

"Hey Jude," Josh whispered maliciously as he sat down next to him, breaking Jude's chain of thought.

"Oh my God, don't you know how to take a fucking hint?!" Jude replied harshly, his voice was louder and his tone was more hostile than he intended for them to be, but Josh was just pissing him off; he had made himself clear that he didn't want Josh around him.

"Wow, nice to see you too Jude," Josh replied, sounding hurt.

"Don't give me that bullshit Josh," Jude replied angrily, his contempt for Josh boiling over. "I thought I made myself very clear that I'm not interested in you first of all, and if for some reason you have this delusion that we might be friends, let me tell you it's not going to happen. After what you said about Connor, and what you said to him, I don't have any reason to like you, so would you be a dear and kindly fuck off?"

"So first Connor, now you? I'm just trying to help you both and suddenly I'm the bad guy," Josh sighed.

"If you were really trying to 'help' us you, would keep your mouth shut and stay away! We're doing just fine without you meddling in our business," Jude shouted. Who was Josh to think that he knew what was going on with them? Okay, so things between them definitely weren't "fine," but he didn't need Josh to stick his nose in and try to "fix" things (as if Josh actually wanted to fix anything).

"Okay, fine, whatever. Your wish is my command," Josh answered sarcastically, standing up and finding a different seat. Jude hated getting that angry, but it seemed from his previous encounter that rage was the only thing that Josh really understood. But his words had at least convinced Jude that he needed to confront Connor about what he was doing. Jude took a deep breath, directing his focus to the lecture in front of him; after class they would talk.

"So how was class?" Connor asked, strolling into the room and stretching out on the couch as Jude worked at his desk.

"Fine," Jude replied curtly.

"Nice try, but I'm not buying it," Connor retorted. "Spill."

"It's that douche Josh, okay? He's in that class and he sat down next to me and was trying to be all friendly and shit and I lost my temper," Jude explained. "I yelled at him and now I regret it. I _hate_ yelling."

"Well he deserved it," Connor commented casually.

"I know he did, but that doesn't make me feel any better," Jude sighed.

"Well maybe a hug will make you feel better," Connor suggested, stretching his arms out and motioning for Jude join him on the couch.

"Connor, what's going on?" Jude inquired cautiously. This was just another thing to add onto Connor's continuing strange behavior, and Jude's curiosity had finally got the better of him. He had to know why.

"What do you mean?" Connor answered quietly, slowly sitting up on the couch and slumping over, keeping his eyes focused on his hands.

"What have you been doing these past two days? I mean sleeping in my bed with me? Cuddling on the couch? Holding my hand on the way to class? And now that? I just don't understand where all of this is coming from Connor," Jude spelled out.

"I-I mean, there's nothing that says that best friends can't be affectionate," Connor stuttered softly. "And you're the one who asked me to sleep in bed with you."

"I did? Wait, never mind that's not the point. I suppose it's true that friends can be affectionate without any other meaning," Jude admitted. "But it's just—sometimes it's hard to see it that way, not necessarily because I have any romantic feelings for you, but because—well I don't know exactly but…"

"It's okay Jude, I get it," Connor replied coldly. "I'm sorry. I have to go to class now." Without another word or even a look in Jude's direction, Connor got up and walked out of the room. Connor's sudden change in tone worried Jude; he should've never mentioned anything about his romantic feelings. He tried to be as ambiguous about it as possible, but Connor's reaction made Jude almost certain that Connor took it the wrong way. Jude rested his head on his desk. Couldn't they just have _one_ interaction that didn't turn into an utter disaster?

So Jude didn't have any romantic feelings for him. Connor felt he should've been better prepared for this moment, but he wasn't. His heart was shattered in a million pieces, and it was all he could do to make it out of the room without letting any tears fall, but now that he was out of Jude's sight, they came in buckets. Maybe it was better if he started distancing himself from Jude now. It was going to hurt, to lose his best friend, but it was the only way Connor could ever get over Jude.

The next few days just confirmed Jude's worries. Connor was more distant from him than Jude remembered he had ever been before. It wasn't even like when Connor had been avoiding him; Connor was around just as much as before, but he didn't talk to Jude like he used to. Jude wasn't getting anything more than a "good morning" when he got up, "how was your day?" when he got back to the room at night, and "good night" before they went to bed. There wasn't any true conversation between them, and Jude felt empty without Connor being a real part of his day. Somehow he had to fix this.

"Hey Jude, how was your day?" Connor asked cordially as he entered the room after classes, already halfway to their bedroom by the time he finished speaking.

"Good. Hey Connor wait!" Jude said quickly, leaping up from his desk chair and chasing after him.

"What is it Jude?" Connor questioned, his tone flat and lacking any emotion.

"Connor, please just talk to me. I can't do this, you being so far away from me even though you're right here," Jude replied, desperation coloring every word that tumbled from his mouth.

"I—look Jude, I just can't really be your friend if you keep questioning everything I do," Connor explained. "I thought you said you understood if there were things I couldn't talk about, and yet you keep pushing me, asking why this or why that. It makes me feel like you didn't mean what you said."

"I did mean it! But what you were doing, don't you think I deserved an explanation for that? I mean fuck, Connor, that stuff was really intimate, and I just wanted to know why," Jude told him. "Especially since I know you're questioning your sexuality. I don't need you experimenting with me! I've been down that road with other guys before and it really hurts, whether those guys ever meant to hurt me or not."

"I'm not experimenting on you Jude! I already know I'm gay!"


	11. Chapter 11

Connor clasped his hands over his mouth the second after those two words came flying out. Two words that had been weighing on every little tiny bit of his life for years finally were out in the air for somebody else to know. It wasn't just some secret buried deep inside of him anymore. And Connor couldn't pick out what emotion he was feeling; so many were assaulting him all at once. He looked over at Jude, who looked just as shocked as him and—it almost looked like—hurt.

"Why didn't you ever tell me?" Jude asked quietly. "We've known each other for so long and you—you knew you could trust me and yet you didn't."

 _Yeah, he was hurt._

"I-I," Connor stuttered, trying to say something, anything. But he just couldn't force the words out; he was feeling too overwhelmed. The only parts of him that seemed to be working were his tear ducts and legs, so he used the latter, sprinting out of the room and letting them carry him to his car as the tears rolled down his face. He clumsily clambered inside, jamming the key into the ignition and revving the engine to life. He stepped on the gas, speeding off into the dark night.

Jude couldn't believe he just said that to Connor. _He didn't tell you because he wasn't ready to tell you, dumbass!_ his brain screamed at him. Jude knew he didn't have any right to feel hurt. All he had done was push Connor, and push him, and then push him again. Connor wasn't ready, not even now when the words finally slipped out of his mouth. And, Jude now recalled, he didn't tell Connor about his sexuality until their second day on campus, meaning Connor went months without knowing about him. He was such an idiot for feeling hurt that Connor didn't tell him.

Coming out was never easy; Jude knew this as well as anyone. He could still remember quite vividly, not only the first time he ever came out but also the months he spent agonizing over the decision to even come out. Jude had a supportive family, he never had any reason to be scared and even then, he still had been terrified.

 _*Flashback – 2 Years Earlier*_

 _Jude had brought his sister Mariana into his room, shutting the door behind them. He leaned up against the door, breathing sharp and quick. He had no idea whether this was the right choice. His family was incredibly understanding, but could they really understand who he was? It was just—so out there, so unusual, Jude doubted that they really could comprehend it. It took him almost two years to figure it out himself._

" _Something wrong Judicorn?" Mariana asked, concern contorting her features as she observed what Jude assumed was his strange behavior that he just couldn't bring under control._

" _No—I mean maybe? I don't really know," Jude mumbled, wobbling over to his bed and sitting next to Mariana._

" _Jude," Mariana said. This got Jude's attention; she only ever called him Jude when she was about to say something to him that was really important. "Whatever it is, I promise you that I will be here for you and on your side."_

" _I'm uh," Jude paused, trying to steady his breathing before he passed out from hyperventilating. "W-well it's k-kind of hard to e-explain, b-but I'm—g-gay. Sort of, I guess."_

" _I'm really proud of you Judicorn," Mariana whispered as she immediately hugged him tightly. "I know that was really hard to say and I hope you know that I—we all love you just the way you are. I'm just wondering though, what do you mean by sort of?"_

" _It's that—well I'm not like sexually attracted to guys exactly. I'm romantically attracted to them, but otherwise I'm demisexual," Jude explained softly._

" _Oh yeah, I've heard of that! You know my ex-boyfriend, George? Well he told me he was demisexual too…"_

 _*End Flashback*_

He and Mariana ended up talking for hours after that. It was something Jude was thankful for almost every day, that his first coming out experience was a positive one. But he'd completely dropped the ball with Connor. He just—well Jude had tried so hard to convince himself that Connor was straight, so he could protect himself from getting heartbroken. In fact he had tried so hard he was almost sure of it. The last thing he expected was for Connor to actually admit that he was gay.

Shock; shock had dictated his response and so he had totally fucked up. Jude collapsed on a bed (which happened to be Connor's, since that was the bed closest to him), trying to figure out what he needed to do to make things right.

Connor couldn't focus on the road; his watering eyes were obscuring his vision. The bright headlights racing towards him were just a blur. He couldn't see straight, he couldn't think straight. Behind the wheel of a vehicle was the last place Connor should've been.

Connor came coasting to a halt at a red light, wondering just how much longer he could keep driving. How far away could he get from campus? How far away could he get from Jude? He had never expected his coming out to hurt Jude, but Jude was right. Why hadn't he trusted Jude sooner?

His thoughts were interrupted by the light turned green, so Connor began easing out into the intersection. The sharp blast of horns from behind and in front of him had him slamming on the brakes, stopping short as a semi-truck ran the red light, passing in front of him, mere inches away from hitting his car. All Connor could do was sit frozen in fear with his hands glued to the steering wheel.

 _Holy fuck I almost just died!_ was the only thought running through his head. It took a minute, but eventually Connor gained enough control of his body to pull into a nearby parking lot. He stumbled out of the car, emptying his stomach onto the pavement. He leaned up against the door, breathing heavily as he tried to get a grip on himself.

Having a near death experience had, in a way, cleared Connor's head. Maybe it didn't clear everything up, but at the very least he realized that a) he needed to get back to the room; and b) he wasn't in a good state of mind to drive himself back. So he pulled out his phone, checking his location before he pulled up his contacts and pressed call.

An hour and a half later and Jude was still laying on Connor's bed without the faintest clue of how to clean up the mess he made. Of course, in order to even try, Connor had to make it back, which he still hadn't. Jude started to doze off, wrapped up in Connor's blankets, figuring that he'd just have to wait until morning, when his phone rang and his heart stopped. Connor was obviously really upset when he ran off; what if something happened to him? Why the hell did he just stay here instead of chasing after him?

"Hello?" Jude answered quickly, not bothering to check and see who was calling.

"Hey Jude?" Connor replied, his voice rough and unsteady.

"Yeah, what's up Con?" Jude inquired, letting out a breath he hadn't realized he'd been holding in.

"Do you—do you think you could come get me? I—" Connor mumbled. Connor had barely finished speaking when Jude jumped up, hurrying out the door and cutting him off. He didn't need to explain why he was where he was right now; Jude would worry about that later.

"Text me your location and I'll be there as fast as I can," Jude spoke rapidly.

"Thanks Jude."

It took Jude longer than he would've liked to reach where Connor was waiting for him, but the buses run on schedule and Jude had just happened to catch them at the wrong time, spending fifteen minutes impatiently standing at the stop, waiting for the bus to arrive. By the time he got there, Connor was huddled up on the ground, his knees pulled in tightly to his chest.

"I'm sorry it took me so long! The buses were a nightmare," Jude shouted, jogging up to the lone car in the vast asphalt parking lot.

"S'okay. Hey Jude I—" Connor murmured. Jude offered his hand, helping Connor to his feet. They needed to talk, but out here, in the middle of a parking lot at night was not the place.

"Not now," Jude shushed. "Come on, let's get you home first," he continued, gently patting Connor on the back before climbing into the driver's seat.

The door to their room had hardly latched shut when Connor spoke up.

"Jude I'm—"

"Connor, please don't. There's something I need to say first," Jude interjected. He sat down on the couch, motioning for Connor to sit down next to him. Connor slowly made his way over, gingerly settling down next to Jude (keeping a healthy distance between them), turning to look him in the eye.

"I was really wrong for what I said earlier," Jude sighed. "Coming out is really hard. I mean when I came out to my family, I knew that they would almost certainly support me and it still took me a long time to come up with the courage to do it. But even putting that aside, I didn't tell you about my sexuality until a couple weeks ago so I shouldn't have been asking why you didn't say anything to me because I really didn't say anything to you either. I just made this whole thing really shitty and I'm so, so sorry."

"But Jude, you were right. I should've trusted you," Connor countered.

"So what? I should've trusted my family and I still waited almost half a year to tell them," Jude shrugged.

"So—so you're not mad at me?" Connor questioned.

"Of course not," Jude chuckled, snaking his arms around Connor and pulling him into a hug. "Not even a little bit. All I am is really proud of you for coming out. That takes a lot of guts, even if it did slip out accidentally." Connor tightly embraced him, burying his head into Jude's shoulder and crying. Connor didn't have too many tears left to cry, but he let out the ones he had remaining onto Jude, relief rolling over his entire body in wave after wave.

They stayed like that for a long time, and Connor eventually fell asleep on Jude's shoulder. Jude bit his lip, trying to decide whether to wake Connor up or just stay there and sleep with him on the couch. Even with the development of today's events, things between them were still off. In fact, Connor coming out created more questions for Jude than it answered.

It was hard to argue that Connor's affectionate behavior towards Jude was purely platonic now. But was this really the time to get into it? Connor was going to need some time; Jude definitely remembered struggling with how to act in that short period after he first came out. So he highly doubted Connor would be instantly comfortable now that he was out. But Jude didn't know; maybe he would be. Jude decided that it might be best just to follow Connor's lead for now, and wait to see what was going to happen.

For tonight however, Jude had made his decision. Moving slowly so as not to disturb Connor, Jude swung his legs on the couch and cautiously pulled (as best he could) Connor's legs up with them, shimmying the two of their bodies down (again as best as Jude's miniscule strength could manage) so that he could rest his head on the couch's armrest. Jude checked his phone, satisfied by seeing that his alarm was on. Against his better judgment, Jude placed a gentle kiss onto the top of Connor's head.

"Night Con," he muttered, and then he shut his eyes and rapidly drifted off to sleep.

Connor woke up feeling a new sense of freedom. Yesterday he had done what he had always thought was going to be impossible; he had come out. He giggled, feeling giddy over this new sensation.

"Someone's happy this morning," Jude commented with a smile on his face.

"You bet I am," Connor grinned.

"Well I'm glad," Jude said, ruffling Connor's hair. "But uh, not to rain on your parade, but what are you going to do now?"

"What do you mean?" Connor asked, confused. Was Jude talking about the two of them? Or was he talking about—

"I just mean, you're going to have to tell the baseball team eventually," Jude explained. "And once you tell them, everybody is likely going to find out. Are you ready to do that, or do you just want to keep it between us for now?"

"How do you think they'll react?"

"Well, as for the team, as much as hate bringing him up, Josh is gay and he's on the team. I doubt they'd be okay with one gay teammate but not another," Jude reasoned. "But as for everyone else, you're going to get a mixed bag. I'm going to be completely honest with you here. Some people will give you disapproving glances. A few will yell awful, terrible things at you every time they see you. But most people won't give a fuck."

"Well I've got you to help me through it, right?" Connor smiled. "I think I can handle it."

"Yeah, I'll be right here whenever you need me," Jude whispered, rubbing Connor's back. Connor opened his mouth to say something else but was interrupted by Jude's alarm. "That's my cue," Jude murmured, untangling from Connor and wandering into the bedroom to get ready.

Connor breathed out a sigh of relief, thanking Jude's alarm. He had almost just told Jude about his feelings for him, which could've been disastrous. He already knew Jude didn't have romantic feelings for him and admitting his would've just made everything awkward. Connor waited for Jude to reappear before scurrying into the bedroom, quickly throwing on workout clothes and taking off for morning workouts.


	12. Chapter 12

_**Warning for brief homophobic language!**_

* * *

Walking to the gym for morning workouts, Connor couldn't remember the last time he felt this light. In spite of his nerves, Connor was relieved to finally be free of the cage his sexuality had locked him in. A cage that he was never going back in. That's why he was coming out to his team now; Connor simply refused to go back to hiding.

He strode into the gym, observing the team clustered around the exercise machines. He stood and watched for a while, contemplating how and when to say what he needed to say.

"Any reason you're just standing here watching them Stevens?" his coach asked gruffly, appearing beside him seemingly out of nowhere.

"Y-yeah," Connor stuttered. "There's something I need to tell them, I just don't know how to do it."

"You might as well just do it now while they're all just goofing off," Coach chuckled. "What is it you need to announce anyway?"

"I just wanted to t-tell them all I'm g-gay," Connor stammered nervously.

"Good for you Stevens," Coach commented, giving Connor a light pat on the back. Connor was surprised by this reaction. Coach was a middle-aged, greying man; if anyone was going to have a problem with his sexuality, Connor had expected it would be his coach.

"T-thanks," Connor murmured.

"Hey, don't sound so shocked. I couldn't care less about who you shove your dick in. It's not my job to care about that. It doesn't affect your ability to play baseball, does it?" Coach inquired.

"N-no sir, not at all."

"Exactly. It's not in my job description to care about my player's personal lives, not that I would give a shit about your sexuality if I wasn't your coach either," Coach explained. "Now you have five minutes before I start workouts, you better get over there now if you want to announce this."

Connor took a deep breath and shuffled over to the crowd of players.

"Um," Connor said, coughing lightly to clear his throat. A few heads turned to look at him so Connor continued. "Hey guys, there's something I need to tell you."

Immediately the whole room went silent, every eye turning to look at him. Connor suddenly felt uncomfortable under the spotlight, desperately glancing around the room for a familiar, friendly face. Dammit, he should've asked Jude to come with him to do this. Eventually his gaze landed on Josh, who was nodding at him approvingly. Connor inhaled, swallowing before opening his mouth to speak again.

"I just wanted to tell you all I'm gay," he said quietly.

"Good for you bro," one guy shouted as he turned back to the exercise equipment. Except for a few stray glares, the team's attitude towards him was generally positive (or at least uncaring).

"Alright everyone, it's time to get moving!" Coach shouted to get workouts started.

Later, Connor was sitting on a bench in the locker room, zoned out as he tried to think about what to do regarding Jude. Jude had basically told him that he had no romantic interest in him. How was he supposed to deal with that? As he thought about it, a sharp voice broke his concentration.

"Hey faggot, enjoying the view?" one of the boys sneered. Connor wasn't paying attention to what he was looking at and as such, it had appeared that he was checking one of the other guys out. Connor was going to jump up and defend himself when Josh stepped in between them.

"What the fuck did you just call him?" Josh growled.

"N-nothing man," the other boy faltered, instantly withering under Josh's intense glare. "I was j-just making a joke."

"Well newsflash, calling someone a 'faggot' as a joke isn't funny and if you ever call Connor that again you will have to deal with this fist in your face, got it?" Josh snapped, shaking his tightly clenched fist in the other boy's face.

"Y-yeah," he murmured, quickly exiting the locker room.

"I'm sorry you had to deal with that," Josh sighed, running a hand through his hair and sitting down on the bench next to Connor. "If anyone says something like that to you again, I want you to come right to me, okay?"

"Yeah, okay," Connor said, smiling shyly. "Thanks for that."

"We have to look out for each other, right?" Connor nodded in agreement. "So that was a pretty quick turnaround, huh?" Josh teased.

"Quick turnaround?" Connor wondered, unsure what Josh meant by that.

"Well it was just a week ago you admitted to questioning your sexuality and now you just admitted you're gay. It doesn't normally change that fast, I mean I've known guys who stayed questioning for years."

"I wasn't really questioning," Connor mumbled. "I just said that because I wasn't ready to come out yet."

"So if you don't mind me asking, what changed?" Josh questioned.

"It kind of slipped out last night while Jude and I were arguing about something. And after that, I realized how good it felt to actually say it out loud and stop hiding it, so I just figured I might as well come out and get it over with. Like ripping off a bandaid, you know?" Connor disclosed.

"Yeah, I was the same way when I first came out too. Speaking of Jude, I really think I need to apologize for being an ass to both of you," Josh sighed.

"An ass?" Connor giggled, standing up and motioning for Josh to walk with him. "I think you're being too kind to yourself Josh."

"Yeah, I know. I shouldn't have been meddling in your guys' business."

"Well thanks for the apology, though you should probably apologize to Jude in person," Connor suggested.

"I don't think he wants me to talk to him. Last time I did he yelled at me to 'keep my mouth shut and stay away.'"

"Wow, Jude wasn't kidding when he told me he got pissed at you," Connor laughed. "Don't worry about him, I'll take care of it."

"I swear I was really trying to help," Josh interjected.

"You need some work on your method of delivery then," Connor needled.

"I kinda do, don't I?" Josh snorted. "So what are you going to do about Jude?"

"W-what do you mean?" Connor garbled.

"You obviously like him, and I think he likes you too," Josh shrugged, as if his statement was completely evident.

"He doesn't like me like that," Connor lamented.

"I'm pretty sure that's complete bullshit Connor," Josh quipped. "Have you seen the way Jude looks at you?"

"No," Connor replied, quirking his eyebrows up. "How does he look at me?"

"Oh my God, I don't think I can explain it without being cliché and just so you know, I hate cliché," Josh groaned. "But he looks at you like you freaking hung the moon and stars in the sky or something really cheesy like that."

"Why should I trust you?" Connor asked, watching as Josh visibly winced. "I still don't trust that you're not just trying to get into Jude's pants. You could just be saying this so he rejects me and when I sulk off, you get your chance to swoop in."

"Because Jude made it painfully clear he's not interested in me. He told me to, and I quote: 'kindly fuck off'."

Connor howled with laughter at that statement. He couldn't imagine Jude actually telling someone to fuck off. Jude was always so kind and calm; Josh must have really gotten under Jude's skin.

"You had to have really ticked Jude off to get him to say that," Connor chortled.

"Yeah, no kidding. Anyway, I'm just saying you should think about telling Jude how you feel," Josh advised.

"Maybe," Connor muttered.

"So no hard feelings about everything shitty I did?" Josh inquired, sticking out his hand for Connor to shake.

"Yeah, no hard feelings," Connor grinned, taking the hand and shaking it.

"Okay, well I have to get to class, I'll catch up with you later Connor," Josh said, limping away from Connor. Connor watched him walk away; perhaps they had both misjudged Josh. And, Connor thought as he walked back to the room, it would be nice to have someone else to talk to besides Jude.

He didn't buy what Josh had to say about Jude's feelings for him though. Jude wouldn't have said what he said if he actually had romantic feelings for him. Connor felt confident that Jude's feelings were purely platonic, which crushed Connor's heart and soul. But no matter what, Connor couldn't disconnect from Jude; every time he tried so far, it didn't work. Connor realized he needed to start dating so he could start to romantically get over Jude and just be his friend. He was of half a mind to ask Josh out. Now that he'd talked to Josh a bit, he didn't seem to be as big of an asshole as Connor thought he was. Josh was kind, funny and definitely cute. Connor could certainly do worse. Connor decided that he would bring it up with Jude. He would know what advice to give him.

* * *

Back in their room, Jude never left for class. He was lying face down on the couch, trying to gain some semblance of control over his swirling thoughts. Without that, he wouldn't have the focus or the energy to pay attention in class. His attempt to corral his thoughts wasn't really working though; he was caught in an endless loop, repeating " _Connor is gay_ " over and over. Connor actually admitting to being gay was a curveball Jude was not expecting. Now that it was out there, Jude was hit by every emotion he felt for Connor all at once. He couldn't get Connor out of his head (not to say he could before).

His train of thought was interrupted by the door to the room opening.

"Jude? Why are you still here?" Connor asked. Jude forgot Connor didn't have any classes this morning and would be coming back once workouts were over.

"I uh, I must have fallen back asleep," Jude mumbled, flipping over so that he was on his back. "So how did things go with the team?" he continued, deflecting the attention from his unexpected presence in the room. A conversation about why he was there could only end disastrously, and Jude was trying to avoid having any more disastrous conversations with Connor.

"Pretty good actually," Connor beamed. "No one really cares. Except for this one guy who called me a faggot in the locker room but Josh shut him up fast so that's not a problem."

"Josh, as in _the_ Josh?" Jude mused, giving Connor a confused look.

"Yeah, that would be the one," Connor answered, plopping down on the couch at the opposite end from Jude.

"Well that was nice of him," Jude grumbled.

"Yes it was. We talked for a while after. He's actually not a bad guy; I mean he apologized for everything he did."

"He did?"

"Yeah. He even said he was willing to apologize to you in person," Connor explained.

"Good for him. I still don't want to talk to him," Jude groaned.

"Come on Jude, I think he's really sorry about what happened," Connor pleaded. "You should at least hear him out."

Connor was right, he should at least listen to Josh, but something inside him didn't want to. He was still fuming mad at Josh for nearly tearing his and Connor's friendship apart. Josh seemed sneaky, devious, not kind and apologetic. Jude felt he had no reason to trust Josh's motives, not even now when he was standing up for and protecting Connor. But Connor was looking at him with those puppy dog eyes and dammit, Jude couldn't resist him when he did that.

"Okay, fine," Jude sighed. "I'll listen to what he has to say, but I make no promises."

"Thanks Jude," Connor smiled. "It would be great if you two got along since I'm thinking about asking him out."

"W-what?" Jude spluttered weakly. It was a sentence that didn't even come close to computing for Jude's brain. Connor was thinking about doing _what?!_

"I said, I'm thinking about asking Josh out. You know, like on a date," Connor explained, seeming off-put by Jude's reaction.

"W-why would you want to do that?" Jude interrogated.

"I mean, he's cute, he seems nice now that I've gotten to know him, and he's smart and kinda funny," Connor shrugged. "He doesn't seem like a bad guy to jump into the dating pool with."

"I s-suppose, but you did just come out yesterday," Jude contended, trying (and failing) to keep from sounding desperate. He didn't want Connor going out with anybody that wasn't him. But he wasn't sure this was the right time to confront Connor about that, so instead he stalled, looking for other reasons why Connor shouldn't date Josh. "Don't you think you might be moving a little fast?"

"Jude, I've known I was gay for a long time. Coming out was just the final piece of the puzzle. I'm completely ready to be myself now," Connor countered. That was the truth. He knew who he was, he knew what he wanted. All that he had been waiting for was to have the courage to stop hiding, and now that he had found that courage, there was nothing to stop him from being who he wanted to be.

"I just think you shouldn't ask him out," Jude huffed.

"Why don't you want me to Jude? You're acting really strange about this whole thing."

"I-I'm not acting strange!" Jude shouted defensively. "I just don't trust Josh and I don't know why you do, t-that's all."

"I trust him because his apology seemed sincere. But you don't have to trust him; I mean I don't need your approval to go on a date with him. I would like it, but I don't have to have it," Connor said resolutely.

Jude took a deep breath. Connor was going to force him to admit it, wasn't he? Jude wasn't going to let Connor go on a date with Josh. Jude was going to be sure of that. It seemed that revealing his feelings was going to be the only way to stop Connor. So Jude looked him right in the eye and calmly said:

"I don't want you to go out with Josh because I like you, alright?"


	13. Chapter 13

"Well of course you like me, we're best friends, but I don't see what that has to do with me going out with Josh," Connor said, confusion contorting his features. Jude smacked his forehead, letting out a mangled yell in frustration. He never realized Connor was so fucking thick.

"Connor, that's not what I meant!" Jude replied sharply, his voice far louder than he intended it to be.

"What did you mean then?" Connor asked, still sounding bewildered.

"God, you're oblivious," Jude muttered.

"Oblivious? What do you mean by—" Connor started but stopped when Jude started advancing across the carpet towards him. "J-Jude, what are you doing?"

"Something I should've done a really fucking long time ago," Jude murmured under his breath. He stopped, standing in front of Connor so close that he could feel Connor's sharp, short breaths on his face. Jude stared right into Connor's hazel eyes. Waiting for Connor to turn and walk away. Waiting for Connor to speak and tell Jude to stop. Searching for any sign that he didn't want Jude to do this.

Connor didn't move, didn't make a sound; he just stared right back, so Jude slowly snaked his arms around Connor's neck, still giving Connor every chance to pull back. But then Connor put his hands on Jude's waist, so he closed the gap, gently connecting their lips together. Connor let out a quiet gasp, so Jude pulled back but Connor followed him, shifting one of his hands onto the back of Jude's head as he moved his other arm to wrap around Jude's waist, delicately bringing Jude's whole body back closer and keeping the soft pressure of their lips pressed together.

This was it; this was the kiss Jude had been waiting his whole life for. All of the tentative, experimental chaste pecks, every sloppy, drunken make-out felt like nothing compared to this. Electricity was racing through his every nerve, heightening every sense and sensation. His heart was beating so fast it was threatening to burst through his chest. His entire body felt like it was on fire as he and Connor stood, pressed together, kissing each other. Connor's lips were smooth and firm, with a bit of peppermint taste lingering on them.

Jude was the one who had to come up for air first, easing his head away from Connor. Connor let out a whimper, leaning forward and trying to chase Jude's lips down. Jude used his hands which were still around Connor's neck to guide his head so that their foreheads were touching.

"Th-that's what I meant," Jude panted, still trying to catch his breath.

"Oh," Connor mumbled.

"Oh," Jude mimicked. "Dork," he continued, letting out a breathy laugh. Connor laughed with him for a few seconds before the room went quiet again. Connor was gazing into his eyes, looking like he was thinking hard about something.

"But I—I thought you said you didn't have any romantic feelings for me," Connor pointed out. Jude nodded in recognition.

"I thought that's what you got out of what I said," Jude, frowned, sighing loudly. "I was just trying to be ambiguous so I could hide my feelings, but it ended up coming out sounding like a denial rather than an open-ended statement."

"So—so you're saying you've been trying to keep your feelings secret?"

"Yeah," Jude admitted.

"For how long?" Connor pressed.

"Since before we became roommates," Jude whispered.

Connor burst into hysterical laughter, throwing his head back as his whole body shook up against Jude's.

"You mean to tell me," Connor gasped once he managed to bring his cackling under control, "that this whole time we've both been trying to hide the fact that we like each other?"

"I guess so," Jude giggled.

"That figures," Connor mused. "I've been acting so stupid because of that, and I probably should apologize to you."

"Oh Connor, this thing was so complicated. I mean, you weren't just dealing with liking me, you also had to deal with coming out too," Jude shrugged. "We both made our fair share of mistakes, so why don't we just call it even and move on?"

"But I made a lot more mistakes than you did," Connor countered.

"You felt like you had a lot more to lose than I did," Jude reasoned. "I've seen it before; being in the closet makes people do crazy things."

"I'm still really sorry," Connor whispered, burying his head into the crook of Jude's neck.

"It's okay," Jude cooed, squeezing Connor tightly as he lightly caressed Connor's back. "With everything that happened, I'm starting think that it's a miracle we're even here, doing this right now."

"Definitely," Connor snorted. Just then, Connor's phone dinged, and reluctantly he wriggled out of Jude's grasp, pulling his phone out. Jude watched as sheer panic flitted across his face as he read the message on the screen.

"Shit, I'm going to be late!" he screeched, grabbing his baseball bag that was hanging up against the wall.

"Late? What are you going to be late for?" Jude wondered.

"I've got another scrimmage today," Connor spit out breathlessly, rushing around the room as he picked up various items of his uniform that were scattered around the room.

"Oh," Jude replied. "I don't have anything going on. Do you mind if I come?" Truthfully, Jude didn't want to come because that meant he'd have to face Josh. But if Connor wanted him there to support him, Jude would suck it up and deal with it.

"No, please, I want you to come," Connor answered, pausing what he was doing to look at Jude with hopeful eyes.

"Okay Connor," Jude smiled. "Let's go."

Connor finally had all of his stuff together, so Jude grabbed his hand, interlocking their fingers, and the two of them walked down to the baseball diamonds together.

* * *

Connor barely made it in time, jogging into the dugout ten minutes before first pitch and tossing on his jersey (he decided to just play in his jeans as opposed to changing into his baseball pants, much to Jude's chagrin). After Connor disappeared out of sight, Jude turned to the bleachers, finding Josh to be the only one occupying them. Jude would've sat down as far away from him as possible, if not for Connor's nagging voice in his head, asking Jude to just "hear him out." Jude inhaled deeply, trudging over and quietly sitting down next to him.

"Um J-Jude," Josh stuttered. "Hi."

"Hey," Jude said tersely. "Connor said you wanted to apologize and that I should hear you out. I'll be really honest, I don't want to, but since Connor asked me, I will. So you better get talking."

"I'm really sorry about everything," Josh mumbled. Jude was surprised by how anxious and unsure of himself he seemed to be; wasn't he full of unwavering confidence when they first met? "I really just wanted to help you guys and I went about it in the totally wrong way." Jude surveyed his face, looking for a hint of deviousness, anything that indicated his apology wasn't real and genuine.

"Thank you for apologizing," he said reluctantly, when he found none of what he was looking for. "And uh, thanks for sticking up for Connor."

"Yeah, no problem," Josh said with a small grin. "I promise I have his and your backs whenever you need me."

Jude tried to hide the obvious confusion that was contorting his features, but Josh was really throwing him a curveball. Through all their interactions up to this point, Josh couldn't have been a bigger asshole if he had tried, and now he was anything but. It wasn't adding up and Jude couldn't help but feel that Josh was still working some kind of angle.

"I—I don't get it," Jude finally said slowly. "You were a huge jackass and now you're not and it doesn't make sense."

"Really Jude, I wasn't trying to hurt you and Connor, or even get between you two," Josh responded, sounding slightly desperate. "I just didn't want you to hurt each other and I said some really harsh things because that's the way it goes sometimes. Not every gay guy who falls for their best friend gets off so lucky," he continued sadly.

"I—are you saying you were in our place once?" Jude questioned. Suddenly the pieces were starting to fit together.

"Yeah," Josh whispered, pain flashing behind his eyes. "I fell for my best friend—no, I didn't just fall, I jumped off a cliff headfirst. I was so in love with him, and I tried to hide it, I tried so hard to get over him, but it didn't work. He found out and I haven't talked to him since that day. I can't explain just how much it hurts to lose your best friend, and I was trying to keep you two from going through that."

"So you were remembering that and reacted based on your emotions from that experience?" Jude asked. Josh nodded in reply. "I understand, which means I should apologize for being a jerk to you."

"I really deserved it," Josh retorted.

"Not really," Jude argued. "But anyway, I think you might have actually been successful helping us out," Jude added with a chuckle.

"I was?" Josh said incredulously, looking up at Jude with wide eyes.

"Yes," Jude said, still chortling. "Connor and I were getting everything figured out before he realized he was late and we came here."

"Really, oh my god what happened?" Josh inquired. Jude bit his lip, concentrating on the field for a moment, trying to decide if he wanted to tell Josh the whole story. He said he didn't want to come between them, right? What could be the harm?

"Well Connor came back from workouts," Jude began. "He told me before he left that he was coming out to the team so I asked him how it went, and he said it went fine and he mentioned that you stuck up for him and apologized. And then he said he was thinking about asking you out—"

"As flattering as that is, Connor isn't really my type," Josh interjected, starting to cackle.

"What is your type then?" Jude wondered. Given that Josh was the one to hit on him, Jude was pretty sure it was guys like him.

"Guys that aren't already in love with someone else," Josh answered.

"Okay, fair enough," Jude laughed. "But anyway, I told him that I didn't want him going out with you because I liked him. At first he didn't get it, so I kissed him and he was like 'oh.' We were kind of talking about it, figuring it out, but then we had to come here."

"Good for you guys!" Josh exclaimed, smacking Jude on the shoulder.

At that moment, Connor came out of the dugout, taking his place in the on deck circle. He lifted his head, glancing up at the stands and spotting them. His face lit up and he waved vigorously. Jude blushed and waved back, blowing Connor a kiss while Josh made gagging sounds next to him.

"You two are already so cliché, it makes me sick," Josh teased.

"Oh shut up," Jude murmured, burying his face in his hands as the blush on his cheeks turned darker.

"Hey, look!" Josh shouted, tapping Jude on the shoulder repeatedly.

"What?" Jude startled, his head shooting up.

"Connor's up to bat with the bases loaded!"

Jude still knew nothing about baseball, but he assumed that was a good thing.

"Woo! Go Connor!" Jude jumped up and cheered. The entire team whipped around to look at him, so Jude rapidly sat back down, placing his hands on his cheeks so he could hide their color and still watch Connor bat. From his vantage point, Jude could hear Connor giggling, which didn't help his embarrassment much.

Jude watched as Connor stepped into the batter's box, digging his heels in and turning to stare down the pitcher, bat cocked over his shoulder. The pitcher stood, sweat rolling down his face as he looked at the catcher. He received the sign, shaking the catcher off once, twice, three times before settling on a pitch. He set up, winding back and hurling the ball towards home plate. Connor picked up his left foot and placed it back down, shifting forward and uncoiling his shoulders. The bat made contact with the ball, making a loud "thwack" sound as the white ball sailed out into right field. The rightfielder made no move to chase the ball down, watching as it landed beyond the fence.

Connor's entire team stood up and screamed. Connor slowly trotted around the bases, getting mobbed as soon as he stepped on home plate, completing his grand slam home run and putting his scrimmage team up 4-0. As he made his way back to the dugout, he turned to Jude, winking and blowing him a kiss before ducking out of sight under the roof of the dugout.

"That might be the longest home run I've ever seen someone hit," Josh mused.

"You still feeling good about Connor not taking your spot now?" Jude teased. This time it was Josh's turn to tell Jude to shut up.

* * *

Connor was playing spectacularly, in stark contrast to the first game he played where it looked like he'd never seen a baseball in his life. Jude was having a blast, bantering back and forth with Josh who, Connor was right, wasn't that bad of a guy.

It had been a close scrimmage so far; currently Connor was up to bat in the bottom of the ninth with a runner on third and two outs, the game tied 6-6. Both teams were on their feet, yelling at the top of their lungs. Jude and Josh joined them, Jude bellowing Connor's name as loudly as he could manage. Connor turned back to him, and Jude gave him two thumbs up. Connor beamed and then stepped in to face the pitcher.

He threw and Connor swung, hitting the ball with the end of the bat and sending it slowly rolling down towards first base. He dropped the bat, running as hard as he could, trying to beat the catcher who was chasing the pall down to throw it to first base. The catcher rifled the ball to the first baseman and Connor jumped, sliding in head first just ahead of the toss as his teammate crossed home plate behind him.

His entire scrimmage team ran out, engulfing Connor who had won the game for them. Jude, in a rush of excitement, ran down the bleachers and hopped the fence onto the field, joining the crowd surrounding Connor. Connor made eye contact with him and pushed through the mass of people, reaching Jude and swallowing him up in a hug.

"Great game Connor!" Jude cried, embracing him back tightly. The team started to dissipate, wandering back to the locker rooms to shower.

"Well you know, I couldn't have done it without you babe," Connor grinned. "Hey, I think the team is going out to celebrate after, you want to come with us?"

"Are you kidding? Of course I want to come!" Jude squawked.

"Perfect," Connor replied, giving Jude a quick peck on the lips. "Now come on, I should probably go shower."

"Yeah, cause you stink!" Jude joked, lightly smacking Connor's chest. "Aww man, you got dirt all over my outfit!" Jude complained. Connor's front was caked with it after his slide into first base and he had transferred a fair amount onto Jude's clothes.

"You still look cute though," Connor cooed, making Jude blush. Jude mumbled _thanks_ and then they linked hands and started walking to the locker room as Josh hobbled up next to them.

"That was a really good performance," Josh congratulated. "I guess I have some competition huh?"

"You bet your ass you do!" Connor smirked.

"Ha, you wish you could get a piece of this ass," Josh retorted. Jude's eyebrows furrowed and he set his jaw, gritting his teeth as he tried not to be upset about the remark.

"Nah," Connor scoffed. "Jude's is way cuter."

"You've been staring at my ass?" Jude screeched, his anger quickly switching to surprise.

"Okay but Jude, have you seen how it looks in those skinny jeans you wear?" Connor questioned, waggling his eyebrows. "It's kind of hard not to stare."

"W-well have y-you s-seen yours?" Jude spluttered in reply, feeling flustered by this new flirtatious Connor that was suddenly attacking him.

"Okay would you two shut the fuck up!" Josh cut in. "I can't stand you two being all flirty like this; it reminds me that I'm too painfully single."

"I'm sure you'll find someone soon," Connor assured.

"Yeah, and then we can tease you about how you're making _us_ sick!" Jude added.

"I hate you both," Josh mumbled.

"Liar, you love us," Connor quipped.

By this point they had reached the locker room, so Jude quickly gave Connor a kiss on the cheek and shoved him through the door. He turned to find a place to wait for Connor to return.

"I gotta get moving if I want to make it to dinner on time," Josh remarked. "I'll see you two there."

"Yeah, see you," Jude muttered, sitting down on a nearby bench. He remained parked there silently for a while, thinking about the previous two days. Connor came out to him, Connor came out to his team, they admitted their feelings for each other, they were now friends with Josh, and Connor invited him to come to a team dinner with him. It was like every one of Jude's wildest dreams about Connor was coming true.

"Am I dreaming?" he whispered to himself.

"I don't think so," Connor answered, "unless we're somehow having the same dream."

"Well if it is a dream, I don't want it to ever end," Jude conceded.

"Me either," Connor agreed. "Now let's go get some dinner, I'm starving!"

"You are really such a dork!" Jude laughed, taking Connor's hand as they headed off to meet the rest of the team.

* * *

 **A/N: You finally got what y'all wanted :) See, I listen! But the story isn't over yet, so stick around...I know you guys probably really want me to end it here but I've got a whole other arc planned out so there's still some conflict yet to come...**


	14. Chapter 14 - Josh's Story

_**So this is an early/unexpected update, but as I was writing Chapter 13 I was struck that a backstory for Josh would be really interesting, and after an anon from Tumblr asked for a backstory as well, I decided to do it. I'll be honest, the story sort of got away from me as it's almost 7500 words but I really loved this backstory I created. This is also the first piece I've ever written in first person POV. This technically is a side story but I would not recommend skipping it as the other character I introduced here, Tyler, is going to become a big part of Roommates.**_

* * *

 **Josh's Story**

* * *

From the moment I met them up until the moment Connor came out, Jude and Connor's situation was playing to the script I'd seen and experienced one too many times before. They brought up painful memories that I had thought I had gotten over. I hadn't realized that everything that had happened with Tyler still hurt so much, but I guess it did. I mean, I suppose it had only been slightly more than six months since it happened. As I walked to the restaurant to meet the team, I couldn't help but replay what had happened, feeling the pain as if it had happened yesterday.

It was six months ago that I met Tyler in the middle of my freshman year here. We'd both been caught outside in the middle of a rainstorm and were huddling under a small pavilion, waiting for the downpour to dissipate. And looking over at him, I found myself incapable of describing him any other way except gorgeous. With his thin build, short and spiky dark brown hair, shiny expressive eyes, and brilliant smile, he was everything I'd dreamed of and looked for in a guy.

So I stood there, sopping wet in this small space, mere inches away from him, trying to pluck up the courage to simply introduce myself. College was when I was going to stop hiding and put myself out there, I had decided a long time ago. But so far, I wasn't doing real great with that; I'd actually failed to do anything I wanted to. I hadn't come out, I didn't have any friends and I hadn't been on any dates. But apparently something was different about this day. I don't know how I managed to do it, but after what felt like an eternity, I actually heard myself speaking to him.

"H-hi, I'm J-Josh," I stuttered.

"Nice to meet you Josh, I'm Tyler," he introduced himself, flashing that radiant smile at me and making my stomach do ten thousand backflips. He extended his hand, and I took it, shaking it firmly as the sparks of electricity shot up my arm.

"This is some rainstorm huh?" I squeaked.

"Yeah," he laughed, though I wasn't sure if he was laughing at what I said or at how my voice squeaked. "Gonna make me late for my date, I think."

"Oh that's not good. Don't want to make the—" I paused. I didn't want to just assume he was straight (for a multitude of reasons, the most obvious being my already developing crush on him), but I didn't know what kind of gender-neutral term to use.

"She's not my girlfriend, at least not yet," Tyler replied. "It's only the first date."

 _Shit, why do I always do this to myself_ I thought. So Tyler was just going to be the next in a long line of straight boy crushes. But then again he could've been bi or something like that; there was no way to tell that from his answer to the question. Looking back, I know that was where I made my first mistake; I actually let myself hold onto that sliver of hope that he might not be totally straight. Anyway, at this point I noticed that the rain was letting up.

"Well good luck," I said, turning and smiling at him.

"Yeah thanks man," Tyler grinned. "I'm going to take off now, see you around."

"Okay see you," I waved. "Hope you make it on time!"

So Tyler ran off and I trudged back to my dorm room, fully expecting that I'd never see him again. But I must have done something to anger the universe, because Fate decided it was going to screw me over. I ran into him in the hallway outside my room the very next morning.

"Oh hey there," he chirped. "It's Josh, right?"

"Y-yeah. Hey Tyler," I said shyly. Outwardly I appeared calm, but in my head I was close to having a total meltdown; in fact I barely registered his next question.

"Hey, is this your room?" he asked me. I nodded because that was about all my brain could manage. "Ah, sweet man, I'm right across the hall! I'm gonna be late so I have to get going, but you should totally stop by when you have some time."

So of course, per his invitation, I was standing outside Tyler's door the very second I had some free time. The door was open, so naturally, rather than just invite myself inside, I waited outside for him to notice I was there.

"Oh hey Josh!" Tyler greeted me cheerily. "Come on in!"

I shuffled into the room, standing awkwardly in the middle, eyes glancing around and exploring the room. There was no other way to describe Tyler's room except a complete mess. I was fairly confident there were pig pens that were cleaner. But other than the complete untidiness of the room, there was nothing personal about it at all. No posters, no action figures, nothing that indicated anything about Tyler's interests. Without those things, I had no clue what to talk with Tyler about, and my nerves were starting to misfire.

"So man, how are you?" Tyler questioned.

"I'm f-fine I guess," I shrugged, trying to keep my body from visibly shaking out of anxiety.

"Really? You sound a little nervous," Tyler prodded.

"Maybe a little," I mumbled. "I'm just not real great with people I don't know."

"Yeah, I get it," Tyler chuckled. "But you don't have to worry about me, I promise I won't bite," he added, gnashing his teeth together. I could've handled myself had he not done that, but the action was just a bit much for my brain to handle for some reason and I started hyperventilating. I rushed out of the room before I could embarrass myself any further, sprinting into the bathroom and locking myself in a stall while I tried to slow down my breathing.

"Is everything alright Josh?"

Great, so not only was Tyler attractive and friendly, he was sweet and caring too. That was the moment when I started to recognize I was in really deep shit.

"Y-yeah, I'll be o-okay, I just need a minute," I spluttered, leaning up against the stall door, which, unfortunately, I hadn't done a good job of locking. I went tumbling to the floor, landing on my back at Tyler's feet as my head slammed up against the wall.

"Shit man, are you okay?" Tyler inquired concernedly, crouching down next to me.

"I'm okay," I muttered even though I didn't really feel okay at all. I didn't look in Tyler's direction as I tried to rise to my feet. But as I did, I started feeling really dizzy and I stumbled. Tyler leapt up, wrapping his arms around me and steadying me. I remember thinking that for someone as wiry as Tyler, he had really strong arms. My body, with my brain in its jumbled state, acted on its own, melting into the embrace.

"I think you might have hit your head pretty hard," Tyler commented, but I wasn't listening. I was feeling really nauseous all of the sudden. I tried to pull away from Tyler, to reach the toilet in time to throw up, but he held me in place and I vomited all over his front. I must have blacked out from embarrassment or something because the next thing I remember was lying in bed with Tyler sitting next to me, gently stroking my hair.

"Hey, how are you feeling?" he asked softly. My head was throbbing and I still felt sick to my stomach, but Tyler was playing with my hair so I felt fine.

"I'm alright," I replied. Memories were flooding back to me and I realized I had thrown up on him. I turned over away from him, knowing that my face was going bright red. "Sorry about puking on you."

"Nah, it's cool man," Tyler assured me, rubbing my shoulder now that my head was out of his reach. "Though this will make for a pretty interesting story."

"Oh god no," I groaned. I was already embarrassed enough. "Please don't tell anyone I did that."

"Dude, you have like a concussion or something, it wasn't your fault."

"Whether it was my fault or not, I don't need to be known for this. It's hard enough to make friends as it is without something like this hanging over me," I countered.

"Come on, everyone will think it's hysterical," Tyler prodded.

"Well I won't, and my chances of making any friends would actually go to zero. I'd be alone for the rest of my college career."

"No you wouldn't be, I mean, you've already got me as your friend," Tyler smiled. I turned back over to look at him.

"You really mean that?" I questioned.

"Of course I do. I mean you threw up on me, it's kind of required now," Tyler giggled.

"I hate you," I muttered.

"Oh shut up, you know you love me," Tyler retorted.

Well I didn't know it yet, but that was going to become my problem.

* * *

For the next two weeks, Tyler was insistent on constantly "checking up" on me. I was fine by the next day after I hit my head, but he was persistent, in case somehow I got worse again.

"You never know with concussions," Tyler warned sternly.

But he was in my room so much my roommate was getting irritated with him.

"You're in here so much, why don't we just switch?" he finally shouted in frustration, storming out of the room. It was safe to say that Tyler was my best friend by now, but the last thing I wanted was to share a room with him. That would do nothing to help my—well I couldn't even call it crush now. It was fully terrifying; I was totally and completely in love with him. Even now, I don't even know how it happened. Tyler was kind of an ass to be completely honest, we didn't talk about anything of much significance, I'd only known him for two weeks and he didn't even know my biggest secret. But it happened anyway. I was in trouble, and it was only going to get worse from this point on.

"We totally should be roommates!" Tyler exclaimed, breaking my chain of thought. "Wouldn't that be awesome?"

 _NO._

"Yeah, definitely," I giggled at his enthusiasm. I couldn't say no to that face, so Tyler moved in the next day.

After three weeks living together, I had been managing okay. As far as I could tell, Tyler was still clueless about my feelings. I mean, shit, Tyler didn't even know I was gay at that point (though I was pretty close to telling him). As for Tyler, I still didn't know anything about his sexuality either. He only ever went out with girls, but then he would talk about guys being attractive and stuff and I just didn't know. I was still firmly grasping onto that hope that he was something other than straight.

Tyler had just made it back from a date and was lying on the couch while I was sitting at my desk, trying to get some homework done.

"How did it go?" I questioned absentmindedly as he flopped down onto the sofa.

"Ugh. I mean shit dude, that girl was crazy. Easy on the eyes for sure, but not easy on the ears," Tyler complained.

I groaned; every girl Tyler went out with was either "a bitch" or "bat-shit crazy," according to Tyler's summary of the dates. Apparently a girl talking back to Tyler in any capacity was considered to be out of line. I really needed to start working with Tyler on changing his expectations of women.

"Come on man, back me up here," Tyler pleaded. "You know how difficult girls can be!"

"Actually I don't," I shrugged, the words coming out easily and naturally. "It's boys that I have trouble with."

"What does that mean?" Tyler asked, sitting up to look at me curiously.

I couldn't believe I had said that. But at this point, I was too deep in to back out.

"I'm gay Tyler," I replied, trying to sound as nonchalant as possible, even though my heart was pounding and my stomach was churning, threatening to empty its contents onto the floor of our room.

"Ah, cool man," Tyler said. "So no, I guess you don't know about girls," he added, chuckling.

I felt like I wanted to cry. I had finally come out to someone for the first time and he just took it in stride, like it was no big deal. But it was a huge deal for me. I completely lost control of myself, going over and hugging him tightly. He tensed for a second before relaxing, putting his arms around me and embracing me back.

"I'm proud of you man," Tyler whispered in my ear. I didn't reply, I just cried in his arms for the rest of the night.

* * *

After that, nothing much between us changed. Tyler treated me like he always did before, something I was grateful for. I was really scared though; my feelings for him kept getting stronger, no matter what I did.

"Hey Josh-man," Tyler called out, running up and slinging an arm around my shoulder. Okay, never mind, two things changed. He started calling me Josh-man for some reason I still haven't figured out, and he started getting more touchy with me. That surprised me; I fully expected the opposite to happen when I came out, but anyway... "You got any plans for tonight?" he continued as we walked back to our room.

"Um, I don't think so. Why?"

"Because I have just gotten the Josh-man a date!" Tyler beamed, looking proud of himself. I rolled my eyes; he'd been trying for weeks to get me a date, despite my insistence that I wasn't looking to go on any dates. But then again, if I went on this date, and it went well, maybe I could start getting over Tyler. So for the first time, I gave in.

"Okay. Who's the guy?" I inquired.

"What, no 'Ugh Tyler, why do you keep trying to set me up?' or 'But Tyler, I'm not looking to date?'" Tyler said, looking at me confused.

"I changed my mind," I shrugged. And with that, Tyler started chattering away about this guy that he had set me up with.

So there I was, standing in front of the mirror, smoothing out my shirt and fiddling with my hair. I was really fucking nervous about the date, but not for the reasons you would expect. I dreaded that going on this date might confirm everything I was pretty sure I already knew; that I couldn't fall for anyone else because I already fell for Tyler.

"Damn Josh-man, you look so handsome," Tyler remarked, slapping me on the back. When he said that, I couldn't help the goofy grin on my face, or the blush creeping up my cheeks, or the way my stomach twisted.

"Thanks," I mumbled sheepishly.

"Dude, he's totally going to love you! I mean of course he is, what's not to love," Tyler smirked. I don't think I've ever hated Tyler more than I did in that moment. He was doing nothing to alleviate my fears about this date, and that aside, all of his comments did nothing but confuse the hell out of me. "Now come on Josh-man, stop admiring yourself in the mirror or else you're going to be late," Tyler teased.

So I left, and went to the restaurant where I was meeting my date. He was already waiting there for me; he was a decent looking guy, with long, shaggy brown hair and a medium, athletic build. He was cute but he wasn't—no, I wasn't going to go there while I was on this date. This date had to work out so I could start to see Tyler as just my best friend, not someone I was in love with.

"Hi," I said with a smile, sitting down across from my date. "I'm Josh."

"Nice to meet you Josh," he replied stiffly. "I'm David."

We ordered our drinks and dinners, and then we talked, or at least we tried. Talking to David was like watching paint dry. He spoke with almost no emotion, his voice dull and lifeless as he rambled on about something I had no interest in. He wasn't even talking to me, he was just talking at me; I couldn't get a word in edge-wise. When I finished my meal, I told David thanks for the meal and I got up and left without another glance back at him.

Tyler was waiting for me when I made it back to our room.

"Tyler, just so you know, I hate you. That date was terrible," I groaned, plopping down on the couch next to him.

"Well that's okay, not every date will go well," Tyler admitted.

"I don't know, if that's what most dates are like, I think I've been turned off from dating for a while," I shrugged. Maybe it was just because the guy was as dull as a stick that it didn't turn out well, but my instincts told me that wasn't the case. It would've been fine if I hadn't been stuck comparing everything David did to Tyler. David just didn't measure up, and I suspected no one would.

"That happens sometimes too," Tyler told me. "I'm kind of in that place myself."

Tyler hadn't been on a date in nearly a month (which interestingly enough, his last date coincided with the day I came out). Given that Tyler was going on dates nearly every other day when we first met, I'd been shocked by the recent developments in his love life.

"Ugh, people, right?" I joked.

"Amen to that Josh-man."

* * *

When I went to bed that night, my head was still a swirling mess of emotions. I was feeling too much all at once to be able to sort them out, and there had been too much bottled inside me, screaming to get out. On an impulse, I grabbed a pen and a notebook, opening up the cover and scribbling words down on the pages. Had I any clue what would come of the things I wrote, I would've never wrote them.

I put down everything I was feeling about Tyler. About how I was confused about the things he said about me and how it felt like he might reciprocate my feelings. About how I was royally fucked, I was so in love with him that I had no out. About how I was terrified of him ever finding out how I felt. Writing those words made me feel better, but those words were the worst mistake of my life, because thanks to them, I was about to find out how Tyler would react to my feelings.

I had fallen asleep with the pen still in my hand and the notebook on my lap. My alarm roused me from my slumber; Tyler had already left, he had a class before me on this day. I swung my legs off the bed, groggily getting up and getting ready for my class, carelessly tossing the notebook to the side. I stuffed my things in my backpack and took off. In my half-awake state, I didn't realize I had left the notebook with my darkest secret on its pages in the middle of the floor, where Tyler was certain to pick it up and read the contents.

I had class all day and didn't make it back to the room until nearly 7:30 that night. The room I arrived to was barely recognizable compared to the one I had left. Everything of Tyler's was gone. On the couch was the notebook, with a simple note scratched at the bottom of the page.

 _I had to go. I'm sorry._

My entire body went stone cold, my heart literally falling out of my chest. I felt like I couldn't breathe and I definitely couldn't see, the tears came so fast and so freely. I had ruined the best friendship I'd ever had with a few words and a negligent toss. I cried myself to sleep that night, and every night for two weeks after. After four months with Tyler always by my side, he just disappeared. I held out hope that he might eventually come back. I did nothing different, always showing up in the same places, taking the same routes, hoping that he might show up and fall in step with me. But he never did.

* * *

Fast-forward two months to the moment I met Jude at the baseball scrimmage. I still felt totally empty, like I was just a shell of myself. But seeing Jude, I felt a little less empty; he looked a lot like Tyler and for some reason that made me feel better. My heart was pounding out of my chest when he sat down next to me.

"Hey there, I'm Josh," I said to him warmly.

"Jude," he replied, not once taking his eyes from the field.

"So um, Jude, what brings you here?" I wondered, trying to make some kind of connection with the boy who seemed to have no interest in me. "You like, here to watch your boyfriend for something?" I added as my brain stumbled over itself. I was dumbfounded that I could say something so stupid. I had never met this boy and I just assumed he was gay. But I was more surprised by how he responded.

"B-boyfriend? Oh um god no, my roommate is on the team and he invited me to come and watch," Jude stuttered, sounding offended and also—confused?

"Oh I'm so sorry, I don't know why I just assumed you were gay, I mean for all I know you could just really like baseball and be here to watch the scrimmage cause you know that's what you enjoy," I rambled, my nerves causing me to have a full-blown case of word vomit.

He then said something confusing about being sort of gay and after that I didn't pay much attention until he pointed out one of the players on the field, who I assumed to be his said roommate. I looked at the boy for a moment before turning back to Jude, finding him completely zoned out, staring at this other guy. It reminded me of the way I know I used to look at Tyler, and something within me shifted. Jude had no clue what he was getting himself into, and apparently I didn't either. Right from that moment, I did everything wrong. Knowing how things turned out for them now, I hate myself for the things I tried to do to them, but I can't change that now. But back to the story, where I made the mistake of trying to intervene.

"Enjoying the view?" I teased, snapping my fingers in front of his face to get his attention.

"I uh—yeah," he admitted shyly.

"So he's 'just your roommate' huh?" I asked. The more I heard from Jude, the more this whole thing reeked of the situation I was in with Tyler. I didn't know anything about Jude, but the last thing I wanted was to see him get hurt. I wanted to save him from what I went through.

"It's complicated Josh and not really any of your business," Jude snapped at me. Didn't he know I was just trying to help him? As someone gay, and older than him, I felt that he should've been listening to me. I was starting to get angry, but not really because of anything Jude was doing. Everything about Tyler I had repressed was bubbling to the surface and I was at a loss for how to react. So I chose anger and became a complete asshole.

"Ahh, so what you're saying is that he's straight then," I stated sharply, hoping that would get through to Jude about what he was putting himself through.

"Not exactly," Jude commented. Probably he meant something along the lines of all the compliments Tyler used to throw my way. "I mean, I don't know what he is. He told me that he doesn't even know what he is, so if he doesn't know then how can I know," he continued with a sigh. So this roommate was questioning. I always thought that Tyler might have been questioning himself. The whole timeline made sense. But anyway, with Jude, I didn't know anything about his roommate but I felt like I _had_ to protect him.

"Look Jude, from gay guy to another," I implored, calming down a little bit and putting a hand on his shoulder, gazing at him sympathetically, "Connor is most definitely trouble. He says he doesn't know but I'll be honest, he's probably straight and then you're just going to get your heart broken."

His roommate, who I found out his name was Connor, had a terrible game. He kept looking up at the stands at Jude, and Jude would give him a small smile and a thumbs up. Jude seemed really sweet and I felt my contempt for Connor growing. Jude didn't deserve to have it all blow up in his face like it did for me. And my contempt along with everything else I was feeling came out in a way that seemed to be alienating Jude, but I didn't know what else to do.

As soon as the scrimmage was over, Jude took off for the dugout to find Connor. I hobbled off the bleachers, strategically positioning myself. If I couldn't get Jude to listen to me, then I was going to have to be devious and drive a wedge between them. It might hurt Jude and he probably was going to hate me for a while, but the second he saw Connor out on a date with some girl, he'd be crawling to me, thanking me for driving Connor away from him before it was too late. I never thought about just awful a thing that was to do. I was too upset, too blinded by my own pain to think clearly about the consequences of what I was going to do. I'm lucky that they both don't hate my guts after the things I did from that point on.

They walked past me and I waited for a few seconds before limping up to them.

"Hey Jude! And uh, is this Connor?" I asked. Jude was glowering at me while Connor stood stiff as a board.

"Yeah that's my name but—" Connor started to growl but Jude stopped him.

"What do you need, Josh?" he inquired politely, running a hand through his hair.

"I was wondering if you wanted to go get dinner, maybe see a movie some time?" I replied. I hoped Jude would say yes, and from there, I could work to separate him from Connor.

"No thanks Josh, I'm not interested," Jude answered, and I got pissed. Jude didn't understand and was thwarting my every attempt to help him.

"What the—" I started to say. I just wanted to ask him why he wasn't listening to me, but I never got the chance. Connor thought I was about to say something else and stepped in between us, standing over me threateningly.

"He said he wasn't interested," he snapped. Connor thought he was protecting Jude from me, and it was adorable, but I didn't think so in that moment. All I could think was that Connor was going to hurt Jude more than I ever would.

"Awww, would you look at your precious boyfriend, fighting your battles for you. I mean, he is your boyfriend? Oh wait," I sneered. I was completely losing control of my emotions (not to say that I'd had great control of them up to this point anyway).

"Connor would already make a much better boyfriend than you could ever possibly be," Jude retorted, and I snapped. Connor wouldn't make a better boyfriend because he never would be! Why wasn't Jude getting that? So I laid it all out for Jude again, one more time.

"Oh yeah, because the guy who doesn't even know his sexuality and is probably straight anyway definitely makes a far better boyfriend than the guy who's actually gay. Wow Jude, I hope you have fun when he breaks your heart, because there won't be anybody there for you," I spat, though I was having trouble controlling my voice at this point. When Tyler left, I was devastated but I had nobody to turn to, and Jude wouldn't have anyone either. If I had left it there, maybe Jude would've been more receptive to me, but I couldn't let it go. If Jude wasn't going to listen to me, I wasn't going to be his shoulder to cry on. "People like me, we can see this stuff coming from a mile away and if you don't listen when we warn you, then there's nothing we can do for you." And with that I limped off and hid a short distance away, turning to see what happened. Connor stormed off and Jude started wandering, looking like he was on the verge of tears.

Maybe what I had said got through to him. I didn't know what happened, but Jude looked devastated and his actions told me that he was only going to end up getting himself in trouble. So I followed him when he went into a party. I hid in the crowd, watching Jude as he pounded down tons of alcohol. He wouldn't stop and I was starting to worry. Someone needed to take care of Jude, but I couldn't be the one to do it. Jude probably didn't want any part of me right now. I noticed there was a guy in the kitchen who seemed to be watching over the drinks, so the second Jude left, I made my way in.

"Hey there," I shouted over the music.

"What do you want?" the guy replied gruffly.

"You know that guy that was just in here?"

"Yeah."

"Get his phone and call someone to take care of him," I instructed.

"Why should I care?" he replied, irritated.

"Because if you don't I promise he's going to drink himself to death," I explained, glancing over my shoulder and seeing that Jude was on his way back into the kitchen. "I have to get out of here, just do it," I demanded. I then walked out and went home. There was nothing more I could do except pray that the guy did as I asked.

* * *

The next morning I made sure I was at baseball workouts early. I wanted to catch Connor to find out what actually happened after I walked away, and maybe find out what happened to Jude.

"Hey, how you doing buddy?" I asked, trying to sound as friendly as possible.

"I'm fine, no thanks to you," Connor snapped at me. "And so is Jude, glad to see that you're also concerned about him, you know since thanks to you last night he went out and got wasted."

Shit, the guy called Connor. I probably should've expected that result, but I was still hoping he would call anyone else. I don't even know why I said what I did next. It didn't make any sense and it completely blew up in my face. I was grasping at straws for what happened between them and I guessed wrong.

"Why would you even be worried about him?" I asked, even though I knew the answer to that. Tyler would've been worried about me if I had done the same thing. "I mean, he was the one who spilled your secret. I would think he was drinking because of you, not me," I continued, ignoring two simple facts. That first of all, I forced the secret out of Jude, and second of all, Jude would've never gone out and got drunk if I hadn't meddled. I should've just come clean about my whole scheme then but I didn't. I stuck to it and only made things worse.

"That doesn't suddenly make me want to stop being friends with him," Connor was shouting at me. "He made a mistake by telling you, and yes, I walked away, but that doesn't make it my fault that he got drunk last night."

"Okay so fine, that wasn't your fault," I conceded. "But he told me that you were questioning your sexuality. Doesn't that make you upset, I mean that shit's really personal Connor?" I countered sharply. That reaction had nothing to do with Tyler; I just couldn't help but think about how it would've felt if I was outed. At this point I had no play except to try and turn Connor against Jude (thank God it didn't work).

"Look Josh, if you could stay away from both me and Jude, I would really appreciate it. Don't think I don't see what you're trying to do!" Connor yelled. In my head I was wondering what it would've been like if someone had warned Tyler early on about me. So I made my last-ditch effort and I tried to warn Connor.

"What, looking out for the guy I'm sure you're going to hurt?" I quipped. That was as much as I could say without telling Connor what Jude's feelings were. That was a lower blow than I was willing to go. "Guilty as charged, I mean it's absolutely terrible that I want to help him out, be on his side."

"I'm not going to hurt him!" Connor screamed, grabbing my shirt. In that moment, I swore I was about to go flying through the wall. "You're just trying to drive us apart so you can swoop in and get with Jude! If anyone is going to hurt him, it's you so don't give me that bullshit!"

That last sentence stung; Connor was determined to protect Jude at any cost and here I was, purposefully hurting him all in the name of trying to help him. Coach broke us apart then, and I wandered off, dazed and wondering if I'd been doing the right thing this whole time. Would I have listened if someone did this to me and Tyler? Of course the answer was a resounding no. So I decided I was going to back off.

* * *

That flew out the window the very next time I saw Jude. He wore a confused look on his face and I couldn't help but think that Connor was the one to put it there. So I wandered over, once again inserting myself into a situation I didn't belong in.

"Hey Jude," I whispered, somehow sounding harsh and almost angry.

"Oh my God, don't you know how to take a fucking hint?!" Jude practically yelled.

"Wow, nice to see you too Jude," I said with hurt in my voice. I knew he had every right to be angry with me but that didn't mean that it didn't hurt me. Suddenly Jude was screaming at me again. I didn't catch most of what he said, but the message was clear: they weren't going to listen to me no matter what, so it was time to get my butt out of it.

* * *

And then, a little while later, Connor came out to the team and I couldn't have felt like a bigger jerk. Jude and Connor weren't Tyler and I, and it was my huge misstep to try and act like it was. I just thought that by trying to fix things for Jude and Connor, maybe (in my head at least) I could fix what happened between me and Tyler. But the truth was that no amount of meddling could repair the damage losing Tyler had done to me. I had friends again, because amazingly, Jude and Connor both forgave me, but I still felt lifeless. I wasn't sure that I'd ever feel the same again.

Suddenly I looked up to realize I was on my ass and someone was standing over me. He grabbed my hand, helping me to my feet and I couldn't help but feel that the touch was familiar. I looked up and gasped.

"No, it can't be," I muttered to myself, feeling the tears starting to roll down my cheeks.

"Hey Josh," Tyler answered quietly. "Can we—"

"No we can't," I said sharply. "I can't do this right now."

"Josh, please just listen to me!" Tyler pleaded desperately.

"No I'm not going to listen, Tyler!" I shrieked, the words coming out clearly despite the massive sobs that were wracking my body. "I know I stepped over a line and I'm sorry about what happened, but what made you think you could just run off? Say sorry and then leave me all alone? We were best friends Tyler! I know you were freaked out, but couldn't you have at least given me some time? You just disappeared all of the sudden and I didn't know what to do without you! It's been so hard! You know that some nights I still cry? I know I fucked up by falling in love with someone I could never have, but you could've given me—us a chance to get past it, but you didn't. So no, I won't listen because you can't possibly understand what I went through!"

Once I was done shouting, I turned and walked the other way as fast as I could, cursing my knee brace every step of the way. I wasn't moving all that quickly and it wasn't long before Tyler caught up with me, grabbing my arm and spinning me around.

"Don't!" I growled, wrenching my arm away from him.

"Josh, I know I freaked out but please just listen to me, it wasn't for the reason you think it was," Tyler implored, sounding like he was crying. That was what snagged me. In the four months we were best friends, I'd never once seen or heard Tyler cry.

"F-fine," I stuttered. "You have once chance."

"I," Tyler said, taking a deep, shuddering breath. "I ran because I was confused, and knowing how you felt about me just made me more confused."

"Con-confused?" I said weakly. I pinched my arm. This wasn't real, I wasn't having this conversation with him. He couldn't possibly feel the same way. He couldn't feel the way I still felt after two months without him.

"Ever since the day we had met, I just had this weird feeling about you, something I knew I'd never felt before," Tyler explained. I was still pinching myself; there was no way, this had to be a dream. "Josh, you can stop pinching yourself. I promise this is actually happening." All I could do was fish mouth in reply, so Tyler continued on. "In the back of my head, I knew what that feeling meant. I never felt like I needed to put a label on my sexuality because I figured I'd love whoever I loved, but up until you, I'd only ever felt things for girls and something every now and then for a guy, but those feelings were never as strong. But now I was having these strange feelings for you and I was just terrified as hell. But you were nice and you seemed lonely, so I thought I could handle that feeling, shove it to the back of my mind and be your friend because you needed one. And it was all going fine until you came out and then that feeling came back even stronger than it was before. I was scared and confused, and I didn't help myself because I stopped dating and only ever hung out with you. I thought that would help me figure it out, but it didn't so I got desperate. I tried to get you to date other guys, because then if you did and you found someone who made you happy, I could forget about what I was feeling and be happy again instead of confused and scared. But while you were out on that date, I only felt miserable and I found myself praying that it would be horrible. I was dealing with all sorts of emotions and finding what you wrote the next day was just the last straw. I felt like I had to get away from you so I could figure out what the fuck was going on with me. And I did figure it out, but by then it was summer and we both left campus, and by some incredible stroke of stupidity, I never got your phone number and I didn't know where to find you. So ever since school started back up again, I've been wandering around the most random places, just praying that I would run into you _somewhere_."

"W-well here I am," I stammered, unable to comprehend what Tyler had just said to me.

"Yeah man, here you are, and I think I literally ran into you," Tyler chuckled, reaching over and placing a hand on my waist.

"Y-you still haven't told me w-why," I whispered as staring into Tyler's dark brown eyes as he stepped closer to me. I knew why, but I wanted to hear it out loud. Tyler looked back at me, using his free hand to cup my cheek and wipe my tears away with his thumb.

"I know you probably don't feel the same way anymore, not after what I did to you, but I love you Josh—"

"Shut up and fucking kiss me," I demanded, squeezing my eyes shut. I couldn't take it, with his face that close to mine, his lips telling me that he loved me. He just needed to do it. For a few seconds, I felt nothing, so I reluctantly reopened my eyes, expecting to be standing there by myself. But Tyler was still there, just staring at me, looking frozen like a statue. But still, somehow after everything he'd said, I still didn't believe him because he wouldn't kiss me. I sighed, turning to walk away, but those stronger-than-expected arms immediately pulled me back in and he did it. He kissed me. It only lasted a few seconds, but when he pulled away I was totally incapable of thought. I just lost myself in the feeling of the moment and in those deep brown eyes. I don't know how long it was before I was finally jolted to life by an unexpected voice to my right.

"Remember when I said we'd get the chance to tease you about making us sick?" Jude questioned.

"It's time," Connor added from my left.

"Um, Josh-man, who are these guys?" Tyler asked me nervously, his head swiveling between Jude and Connor.

"Tyler, this is Connor to my left and Jude to my right," I giggled, nodding my head in their respective directions.

"It's uh, nice to meet you dudes," Tyler replied.

"Nice to meet you too, Tyler," Jude and Connor answered in unison.

"So are they your friends?" Tyler inquired.

"Maybe?" I said questioningly.

"Of course we're your friends!" Jude said sharply.

"I just—I didn't know after everything I did," I mumbled. If I was them, I wouldn't have wanted to be my friend.

"What did you do man?" Tyler pressed.

"I don't want to get into the details, but I tried to intervene because I thought Connor was going to do the same thing to Jude that you did to me," I grimaced.

"Oh, so this is the best friend you were telling me about!" Jude exclaimed. I nodded. "Looks like someone was a little luckier than they originally thought," he continued with a smirk.

"I guess so," I said sheepishly. By this point Connor had moved to stand next to Jude and was whispering something in his ear.

"I'll tell you later," Jude shushed. "We should probably get to the restaurant now," Jude said, clearing his throat.

"You two go ahead," I said, looking back at Tyler. "I want another minute with Tyler before we join you."

"Just keep it G-rated, you _are_ out in public," Jude winked, grabbing Connor's hand and leading him away. I watched and waited to make sure Jude wasn't turning around every five seconds to look at us before I made my move.

"I love you too," I whispered, diving back in to kiss Tyler. I don't know how long the kiss lasted. It could've been thirty seconds, it could've been five minutes. I didn't really care because it was perfect to me. "This is real, right?" I gasped when we pulled away.

"Yes Josh-man, I promise it's real," Tyler laughed, linking my hand in his as we walked off to the restaurant together.

* * *

 _ **I'm sorry, I'm a sap. But don't expect that it's going to be smooth sailing for Josh and Tyler now that they're together. As part of of a challenge to myself, Josh and Tyler are going to become just as important to the Roommates story. I'm going to try to integrate them and come up with some new story lines for them and expand the story. I'm excited to see what happens with that and I hope y'all are too :)**_


	15. Chapter 15

_**So here's Chapter 15, and as promised, I dive right into Josh and Tyler's relationship in this chapter, and there are also significant development in Jude and Connor's relationship here...it wasn't quite as fluffy as I originally had thought it would be but I think it's still a good chapter.**_

 _ **Just an FYI so no one is confused, Jude and Connor will always be written in third person POV and Josh and Tyler will always be in Josh's first person POV.**_

* * *

"Seriously, Josh and Tyler are super cute together," Connor commented as they started walking up to the front doors of the restaurant.

"Yeah I—" Jude started before being interrupted by a female voice from behind them.

"Connor? Is that you?" she asked. Next to him, Connor froze, tensing up as he dropped Jude's hand and turned to face the source of the voice.

"H-hi mom," Connor stuttered. As Jude turned around to face her as well, he couldn't help the growing sense of disappointment rising up within him. The fact that Connor never talked about his family didn't bode well for what he thought their reactions would be to his coming out. Jude was pretty sure he would stand by Connor, no matter what he did. But he wanted Connor to be honest, to be proud of who he was.

"How are you doing?" she questioned gently, pulling Connor into a hug.

"I'm good," Connor shrugged. "How about you?"

"Oh just fabulous dear," she answered grandly with a sweeping motion of her arm. "And your boyfriend, how is he doing?"

"I-I never said a-anything about a b-boyfriend," Connor spluttered, rapidly glancing back and forth between his mom and Jude.

"Well of course you didn't dear, but saw you walk up holding this fine-looking gentleman's hand and I guessed," she explained casually.

"S-so you're okay with me b-being—g-gay?" Connor inquired as Jude beamed beside him at the admission.

"Don't be silly dear, why wouldn't I be?" she laughed. "I've known since you were eight anyway."

"Since I was eight? D-does that mean dad already knows a-about me?" Connor wondered timidly.

"No Connor, I can guarantee you that he doesn't," she sighed. "That man is about as observant as a brick wall. Sometimes I still wonder why I married him. But I'm getting off topic here. Please introduce me to your boyfriend over here."

"Mom, this is Jude," Connor mumbled, grabbing Jude's hand. He left his introduction at that, since he and Jude had never talked about what they were. Connor was pretty sure at this point they were boyfriends, but he didn't want to presume anything. They had so many missteps that made it nearly impossible for them to get to this point, and Connor was determined not to make any more.

"Nice to meet you Ms. Stevens," Jude said, reaching out to shake Connor's mom's hand.

"Please don't be ridiculous Jude," she scoffed, engulfing him with a hug and ignoring his out-stretched hand. "And please, call me Mary."

"Okay, well it's nice to meet you Mary," Jude corrected.

"He's very cute and so polite!" Mary stage-whispered to Connor. "I think you might have found yourself a keeper," she continued, causing both Jude and Connor to blush.

"Thanks mom," Connor murmured.

"Well would you look at that!" she exclaimed. "I better get going or I'll be late! It was lovely to see you Connor and to meet you Jude. Call me sometime so we can meet up for lunch," she finished, turning and walking off. Connor stood there, dazed for a moment.

"Hey mom, wait up!" he yelled, jogging after her. She stopped immediately and spun around to face him. "Mom, you're not g-going to tell dad, are you?"

"Connor dear, I wouldn't dream of it," she replied. "I don't even talk to him anymore. But a word of advice: if you really like Jude, don't hide him from your dad for too long. Connor, you're in college on scholarship. There's nothing your dad can do to hurt you at this point. The only one that's going to get hurt by that secret is Jude."

"Yeah, okay," Connor said, not really accepting her words.

"Alright, well goodbye dear, I love you," Mary spoke, giving Connor a kiss on the cheek. "See you soon." And then she got in her car and drove off.

"What was that about?" Jude questioned when Connor walked back up to him.

"Oh um, just making sure that I had her number," Connor lied. He wasn't ready to bring his dad into the picture. Not until he felt that things with Jude were really solid. Not that he thought lying was a good way to start that, he just didn't see any other option.

"Okay," Jude answered, seeming to accept his lie without question. Connor breathed a sigh of relief and took Jude's hand, walking into the restaurant with him.

When they made it inside, the only table that had any open seats was a table of four where Josh and Tyler were already seated. As they walked past the team, there were a number of hoots, as well as a stray wolf whistle while the team giggled something about there being a "couples" table. Jude looked at Connor curiously, who just shrugged and turned to give the same questioning glance to Josh and Tyler.

* * *

 **Josh's POV**

Even as we strolled into the restaurant, Tyler's hand in mine, I couldn't help but feel like I still might be dreaming. The whole team, which had already been seated, applauded and cheered as we walked in and I couldn't help the red color that was hanging over my cheeks.

"Would you look at that, Josh finally has a boyfriend!" one of my teammates shouted over the din. I would've been pleased at the exclamation, if I hadn't thought that I noticed a frown that flashed across Tyler's face at the word "boyfriend." I studied him for a moment, but the frown was gone almost as quickly as it appeared and Tyler was tugging at my arm, dragging me towards a table.

"Hey, why are we sitting here?" I asked. We were at a four person table that was separate from the rest of team. Tyler didn't have time to respond because the team erupted again as Jude and Connor walked into the restaurant. They looked at each other questioningly before turning to us, striding over and joining us at the table.

"This is apparently the 'couples' table," Tyler laughed, explaining the situation to both me and Jude and Connor. I couldn't help my eye roll, but they just shrugged. We sat in silence for a few seconds before Connor swiveled around to whisper in Jude's ear, just like he did outside.

"Why don't you ask them?" Jude remarked, I assumed in response to the question that Connor had whispered to him. Connor hit Jude on the arm and Jude threw his head back laughing while Connor just glared at him. After a moment, he finally turned his attention back to me.

"So who is he exactly?" Connor asked, motioning to Tyler. "And what did Jude mean by the whole 'best friend' thing outside?"

"I guess I should probably explain it all," I chuckled nervously. "Tyler was—well _is_ , now I guess, my best friend that I kinda sorta fell in love with."

"Well if he's your best friend, how come I—we've never seen him before today?" Connor questioned, his eyebrows furrowing in confusion.

"I hadn't seen him in two months until today," I admitted.

"How come?" Connor continued. I looked over at Jude with an exasperated look on my face.

"Do you hear this guy? He's asking me questions like he's freaking five years old!" I complained. It seemed like Connor wanted me to re-tell the whole story of what happened, second by second, blow by blow.

"It's kind of adorable, isn't it?" Jude said to me and I just scoffed.

"You two are so in love it makes me sick," I said, rolling my eyes.

"Amen to that dude," Tyler quipped. "We'll never be like that, will we Josh-man?"

"If you ever try I swear I will break up with you," I joked. But then Tyler flinched again and I didn't find my joke so funny anymore. Was Tyler adverse to the idea of us actually being "together?" Or was he flinching because I mentioned breaking up with him (which was honestly something I didn't think I could do)?

"You still haven't answered my question," Connor cut in before I could study Tyler's reaction any further.

"Okay, so to make a long story short, I fell in love with him while he was still just my best friend, he found out and ran off," I explained. "And it turns out he ran off because he was confused and apparently in love with me too."

"That makes them about a thousand times cuter," Connor commented, turning to Jude.

"I know, right!" Jude replied.

"And that also explains why you were such a jerk to us," Connor added.

"I can't imagine Josh-man being a jerk to anyone," Tyler snorted.

"It's true," I sighed. "When I found out Jude liked Connor and that Connor might not be gay, I thought Jude was going to end up like I did and I tried to stop that from happening, but I really didn't go about it the right way."

"That's the understatement of the century," Jude declared.

"Yeah," I mumbled. "I hope you guys know that I'm really sorry and I still feel horribly guilty about what I did."

"It's all water under the bridge now Josh," Connor assured me. "Knowing about you and Tyler makes it all really clear and I get it. I probably would've done something similar if I had been in your place."

"Really, it's okay," Jude added. Just then our food came, and all conversation stopped as we started stuffing our faces.

* * *

Jude and Connor left before us, and now we were walking out of the restaurant. I stopped, not sure where to go since I didn't know where Tyler was staying.

"Something wrong?" Tyler questioned.

"No, just wondering where to go now," I shrugged.

"Well I'm just right over here," Tyler said, pointing to a gray, beat-up car in the parking lot.

"Where's your place though?" I wondered. I figured we were going to go back to one of our places that night, at least for a little while.

"It's uh—" Tyler said, scratching the back of his neck anxiously. I glanced at the car, just noticing the pile of junk crammed up against one of the windows. I looked back at Tyler, and then back to the car, and then I realized.

"You mean you've been living in your car?!" I blurted out.

"By the time I started looking for a place, all the dorms were full and there weren't any available apartments," Tyler nodded sheepishly. "It was either that or sleep on the streets."

"Well you won't be anymore," I asserted, grabbing his arm and pulling him to the car. "We're going to my apartment where you're going to stay with me."

"I really appreciate that Josh-man, but I can't impose on you like that," Tyler countered.

"Yes you can, because I insist," I argued. "It's my apartment and I can have anyone stay there that I want to. And besides, I am not letting you spend another night in your car!" I stared him down, trying to tell him with my eyes that he didn't have a choice in the matter. It took a minute, but eventually his shoulders slumped forward in defeat and he climbed in, waving for me to do the same.

The drive was silent; Tyler seemed lost in thought and his lack of words terrified me. His behavior the whole evening was confusing. I couldn't help but think that maybe he was having second thoughts about me. Tyler hadn't seen me in two months and I couldn't help but think of what my mom used to tell me:

"Distance doesn't make the heart grow fonder Josh, distance makes you fonder of the general idea of a person," she used to say. What if when Tyler said he loved me, he meant that he was in love with the idea of me, and the rest of the evening made him realize that the person I actually was, wasn't who he was in love with?

Before I knew it, we were at my apartment and I clambered out and moved to sprint inside. Of course, I forgot I was in a knee brace and I stumbled, falling flat on my face.

"Woah, Josh-man, are you alright?" Tyler asked, immediately stooping down at my side.

"Yeah, yeah I'm fine," I said, brushing him off and standing up on my own. I hobbled up the stairs instead of waiting for Tyler, entering the apartment and leaving the door open behind me for Tyler (who was behind because he was carrying some of his things up). I flopped face down on my bed and stayed there for a while. Not talking to Tyler was going to be easier because the longer I waited to talk to him, the longer I could enjoy-well whatever we were.

"Did I do something wrong?" Tyler inquired fearfully.

"I don't know," I muttered, because that was the truth. I still had no clue of what to make of everything that had happened. Tyler slowly shuffled over, sitting down on the edge of the bed next to me.

"What do you mean by that?" Tyler questioned. "I thought that this was what you wanted."

"It was! I mean, it is," I exclaimed. "I just—I just don't get why you seemed unnerved when someone called you my boyfriend. And then you flinched when I said something about breaking up and I just don't know what you meant by all of that."

"This is all still really new to me," Tyler sighed. "And I don't doubt the feelings I have for you; it's just that—all of this other stuff that comes with that might take some time for me to get used to."

"Tyler, I want you to be my boyfriend," I whined. It wasn't fair, and it wasn't smart to demand so much of Tyler right now, but I was selfish.

"Josh," Tyler began, scooting down and lying next to me. "I love you okay? And that's all that I'm sure of right now. Can we please just give it some time before we try to put anything else to this?"

"Okay. I love you too," I mumbled in reply as Tyler pressed a kiss to my cheek. I had waited so long for this. I knew this was what I wanted, so maybe I could put up with us being undefined for a while. I shifted so that my head was on Tyler's chest and I snaked my arms around him as I tangled our legs together. I fell asleep to his warmth pressed up against me, feeling more content that I had been in a really long time.

* * *

 **Jude/Connor POV**

Back in their room, Jude and Connor had immediately, without one spoken word prior, voted in favor of abandoning sleeping in separate beds and were therefore curled up into each other on Jude's bed (which was, for some reason, slightly bigger).

"So Connor?" Jude asked, Connor's head resting on his chest as he gently ran his hands through Connor's hair.

"Mmm?" Connor answered as he leaned into the touch.

"I'm just wondering, why didn't you tell your mom I was your boyfriend?" Jude inquired.

"I didn't tell her because we hadn't talked about it," Connor said, outlining his reasoning.

"Well then, why don't we talk about it now?" Jude proposed. Connor nodded in agreement, shimmying up so that his head rested on the pillow next to Jude's. Jude turned onto his side so that they were face to face, gazing deeply into each other's eyes.

"Do you want to be my boyfriend?"

"Of course I do Connor," Jude replied as if Connor had just asked him the world's stupidest question. Jude leaned over and pressed his lips to Connor's, trying to ease the sting of his sarcastic reply with a kiss. "I just want to know what you're okay with," Jude continued once he had finished the kiss (which lasted longer than he intended it to).

"While we're here on campus, I'm okay with anything," Connor smirked. "Holding hands, kissing, heck we could even fuck in a secluded alleyway if that's what you wanted to do."

"Okay, first of all, there are laws against that, and second of all, ew no thanks," Jude scowled.

"You know I was kidding," Connor retorted. "I'm not ready for that anyway."

"Not ready?" Jude glared angrily at him, jumping on something he should've left alone. "You've had sex with girls before. Are you not ready because it's sex with another guy?"

"No Jude, it's not that at all!" Connor protested rapidly. "It's because I actually like you! Every time I've had sex it was because I was too drunk and fucked up to care. I slept with all those girls because when I did, I wouldn't hate myself so much for a while," Connor continued, tears starting to stream down his face.

"I-I'm sorry Connor," Jude spluttered, wrapping his arms around Connor and pulling him in tightly to his chest. "I should've known better than to say that; I didn't mean to be so insensitive."

Connor didn't respond, he just cried into Jude's shoulder. Jude held him and muttered soothing things into his ear. Internally, Jude sighed. Connor had a lot of damage that went with his years spent in the closet, and he had been an idiot for thinking all of that just went away with Connor coming out.

"You—you know Connor," Jude spoke hesitantly, unsure if he really wanted to say what he was about to say to Connor. "If this is too fast for you, then I can back off. If you want or need more time, it's really okay, I can wait."

"No!" Connor shouted, squeezing Jude tighter than before. "No, I don't want more time, I just want you. Please don't go anywhere Jude, I love you."

"I love you too Connor, and I promise I'll be here as long as you want me here," Jude whispered.


	16. Chapter 16

_**Okay, so Chapter 16 is finally here! Sorry it took me two weeks to write and post. I:  
a) Had writer's block on what to do with this chapter  
b) Was distracted by other things  
But I finally got past that, and wrote this. This chapter is a lot of Jonnor fluff and Jyler (Josh/Tyler) angst, so I hope you guys enjoy it :)**_

* * *

 **Josh's POV**

I woke up to a cold and empty bed. My stomach churned and I started to feel nauseous; I should've known that seeing Tyler, bringing him home with me was only a dream, but damn, it felt so fucking real. I gingerly flipped over onto my stomach and roughly shoved my head into the pillow, trying to will myself back into the dream; the dream where I wasn't alone and everything was all right. I don't know how long I had been lying like that when I heard a small voice.

"Are you still asleep?" it asked, and my head shot up, finding that the source of the voice was Tyler. "I'll take that as a no," he chuckled as he sat down on the bed. He had only a towel hanging loosely around his hips, exposing his upper body (which I was _not_ staring at [okay that was a lie, I was definitely staring]). His brown hair was still damp and mussed up.

"You're actually still here," I mumbled, reaching out from the warmth underneath my blankets and grabbing his hand. Only once I had his hand firmly in mine did I believe that I was awake.

"I told you I was just taking a shower," Tyler shook his head and giggled, sliding his body down so that our heads were even.

"Oh. Sorry, I was still probably mostly asleep."

"Nah, it's fine," Tyler chuckled. "I should've known that, since you've always been a really heavy sleeper."

"How would you know?" I retorted.

"You would've missed half your classes last semester if it wasn't for me!"

"I figured it out eventually," I muttered. "I kinda had to after you—well you know."

"Yeah I know," Tyler replied guiltily, squeezing my hand gently. "I'm really sorry for running off like that."

"It's fine," I said, brushing past his apology. He was here now, and I guessed that was what mattered more than apologizing for the past. "I'm over it."

"Like hell you are," Tyler responded brusquely.

"What are you saying? Of course I am," I argued, raising my voice slightly, set off by his tone of voice. Who was he to tell me whether I was over something or not?

"Don't lie to me, you thought I had run again when you woke up alone," Tyler challenged. He had me there; that was exactly what I was thinking, so all I could do was nod in confirmation.

"Look Josh," he said, cupping my cheek with his hand. "I can't promise I won't leave again because life is unpredictable and I have no way of knowing whether that's a promise I can keep. All I can promise is that I want to be here with you. I hope that means forever, but if it's not, then that's how it will be."

"How can you promise that you want to be here but not want to call me your boyfriend?" I asked him, sounding strangely whiny. Everything he was saying was coming off as contradictory and I was confused. I was just looking for some kind of clarity.

"I already told you why—"

"Yeah, I know," I sighed. "But if this is what we're going to do, I mean that's what we are. _Boyfriends_."

"I don't like the implication that comes with that," Tyler stated hesitantly.

"You don't want people thinking you're gay?" I questioned, feeling anger starting to stir inside me.

"Yeah," Tyler answered quietly, avoiding my eyes.

"Why not?"

"Because I'm not!" Tyler practically shouted.

"You're not?" I asked, getting sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach at the words.

"No, I'm like—well, I'm not really sure," Tyler mumbled. "I think maybe bisexual."

"That's okay," I told him, the sinking feeling not going away, instead intensifying for some reason and my irritation growing. "I just don't understand why that means you can't call me your boyfriend."

"Look I—"

My alarm went off, interrupting him.

"I really have to get to class," I said flatly, rolling out of bed, tossing on jeans and a t-shirt, resolving to put my brace on while riding the bus to class. I just wanted to get out of the room; I was so frustrated, I didn't want to talk to him. "See you later."

"I love you," Tyler called after me.

"Love you too," I mumbled, too soft for him to hear, stepping out the front door and leaning up against the wall outside for a while to collect myself. We just had our first argument and we hadn't even been together for half a day yet. Somehow, I expected this to be easier than it was turning out to be.

* * *

 **Jude/Connor POV**

Jude awoke, acutely aware that Connor was watching him sleep, something he found rather disconcerting. He would've been really freaked out if not for the strong, comforting arms that were holding him tightly.

"Morning babe," Connor whispered softly, having noticed that Jude was stirring.

"Morning Con," Jude muttered sleepily, shifting his body so that he could snuggle his head into Connor's neck.

"Someone's a sleepyhead this morning," Connor chuckled, affectionately ruffling Jude's hair.

"Well you're still a dork so we're even," Jude retorted lazily.

"That really didn't make sense Jude," Connor giggled.

"Connnnn," Jude whined. "Stop talking, I'm trying to go back to sleep."

"As much as I'd love to let you, we have class to get to," Connor countered sadly.

"Fifteen more minutes?"

"Sorry babe, I gave you as much time as I could," Connor said, pressing a kiss to the top of Jude's head.

"But Con, you're so comfortable," Jude protested, even as he started moving so he could get up.

"Yeah, but having you lying on top of me isn't so much," Connor joked.

"Okay fine, then sleep by yourself tonight," Jude challenged.

"Baaaaaabe, don't be like that," Connor whimpered as Jude climbed out of the bed. Connor scrambled to get up and chased Jude to the dresser, wrapping his arms around him and holding him tightly to his body. They were both only in boxers and Jude shivered at the contact of their bare chests, feeling Connor's firm muscles pressing up against his thin frame.

"W-what are you going to do about it?" Jude stuttered as he looked into Connor's hazel eyes.

"Hmm," Connor hummed, glancing off into the distance like he was deep in thought. "This." Connor leaned in and connected their lips, kissing Jude softly for a moment.

"T-that's a pretty compelling reason," Jude stammered, blushing bright red as he moved back in to kiss Connor again. Jude kept the kiss chaste, recalling last night and not wanting to move faster than Connor was comfortable with. Connor had other plans, swiping his tongue against Jude's lips and nipping at his bottom lip gently. Jude let out a stifled moan into Connor's mouth, letting Connor's tongue roam his mouth, tangling his hands into Connor's hair in retaliation.

"We should p-probably stop," Connor panted, pulling away after a few minutes and cupping Jude's face with both of his hands, looking at Jude with wide eyes.

"W-why?" Jude questioned breathlessly, trying not to sound desperate and failing miserably.

"Same reason we had to get out of bed," Connor replied, resting his forehead against Jude's. "We're gonna be late."

"Damn it," Jude muttered under his breath, waiting for a moment before grudgingly disentangling from Connor and grabbing clothes out of the dresser behind him to toss on. Without thinking, he shucked off his boxers, putting on clean ones before tossing on his jeans and shirt.

"What?" he asked when he turned around to find Connor frozen in place, his face turning an intense shade of red.

"S-s-sorry," Connor faltered.

"I don't see why you need to be apologizing," Jude frowned.

"I sh-shouldn't have b-been watching y-you ch-change," Connor sputtered, making Jude giggle.

"Don't apologize for that," Jude instructed. "I mean, you are my boyfriend, aren't you?" Connor nodded. "Then you're allowed to look at all of this no matter what," Jude explained, gesturing to himself.

"O-okay."

"Especially when it makes you flustered like this. You're particularly cute when you're flustered," Jude chuckled, patting Connor on the shoulder as he walked past him into the living room, stopping in the bathroom to brush his teeth and style his hair.

After a few suspiciously long minutes, Connor came out into the living room, waving for Jude to follow him to leave for class. Jude quirked an eyebrow up, looking at Connor questioningly.

"You're going to go out with your hair looking like that?"

"What does it look like?" Connor inquired with a confused look on his face.

"Two words: sex hair," Jude grinned, standing up and running a hand through Connor's hair to mess it up a little bit more. Connor swatted his hand away, the blush returning to his cheeks as he brushed the strands between his fingers, trying to arrange it so that it looker neater.

"Better?"

"Eh, marginally," Jude replied, glancing down at his watch. "But we're out of time. Let's go," he continued, twining their hands together as they walked out of the room.

* * *

Jude entered the massive lecture hall. This was a class knew he had with Josh, so he looked around, easily spotting the mop of blond hair that belonged to the boy, making his way over and sitting down next to him.

"Hey Josh," Jude chirped as he plopped down into the chair.

"What? Oh hey," Josh answered, clearly distracted by something. When nothing more was forthcoming, Jude decided to press and see what was up.

"Something going on with Tyler?" Jude interrogated.

"How did you guess?" Josh said, looking stunned.

"You seemed lost in thought but you don't have anything out in front of you," Jude explained. "Tyler was the most likely explanation for that."

"We—we kinda had an argument this morning," Josh sighed, dropping his head towards his chest.

"What about?" Jude pressed, suppressing his surprise that Josh and Tyler were already arguing.

"Tyler doesn't want to say that we're dating," Josh scowled.

"Aren't you though?" Jude wondered.

"Yeah!" Josh exclaimed. "He said the reason is because he doesn't want people to think he's gay since he's not," he added.

"He's not?"

"No, he said he's like bisexual or something," Josh said with obvious disgust.

"You say that like being bisexual is a bad thing," Jude pointed out.

"It's not! I just—I don't see why that means we can't call each other boyfriends," Josh clarified.

"Mr. Adams-Foster, Mr. Johnson, is there a problem?" the professor called out from the front of the lecture hall.

"No," Jude answered, standing up and grabbing Josh by the arm, dragging him out into the hallway.

"Boyfriend is a label, and labels are tough to deal with for some people," Jude defended, continuing the conversation from inside the room. "That could be what Tyler's dealing with."

"B-but what about me? I don't like being without one, especially in our relationship," Josh faltered.

"Ahh, so this isn't about the label as much as it is about Tyler," Jude said in sudden realization.

"I don't expect you to really understand," Josh sighed, slumping up against the wall.

"No, I understand perfectly," Jude spoke, sitting cross-legged next to Josh. "You think that without the word 'boyfriend', there's nothing to tie Tyler to you and that just makes it easier for him to leave you again."

"Oh," Josh mumbled. "I guess you do understand."

"But he likes you and wants to do couple things with you though, right?"

"Yeah I guess," Josh replied slowly, trying to follow where Jude was going.

"Well I don't see why labeling your relationship is important then," Jude shrugged.

"Because it is Jude!" Josh protested.

"Look," Jude said softly, placing a hand on Josh's shoulder. "I know you want that label and you think that's going to tie him to you, but if he really likes you or even loves you, that's probably a stronger bond than the word 'boyfriend' would ever be. Trying to force that label on him is just going to do the opposite."

"I know all of that," Josh sniffled. "But it's not enough to fend off the anxiety not having that word makes me feel. It's making me feel like I'm suffocating. Every time he goes out of my sight, I'm terrified he won't come back!"

"Have you told Tyler that?" Jude questioned. Josh shook his head. "Josh, you have to tell him how you feel. Maybe seeing things from your point of view will change his mind."

"I guess."

"Okay, now we need to get back to class," Jude said, patting Josh on the back and standing up, helping Josh up to his feet before walking back into the classroom.

* * *

"Hi babe," Connor said cheerily when Jude met him for lunch, sliding next to him in the booth.

"Hey Con," Jude replied, pecking him on the cheek as Connor stuffed a bite of his hamburger in his mouth.

"How was class?" Connor asked, his voice muffled and food flowing from his mouth onto the tray.

"Okay that was disgusting," Jude commented.

"Sorry," Connor mumbled, swallowing the bite.

"Anyway, class was fine," Jude shrugged, picking up a large crumb of the brownie on Connor's tray and tossing it in his mouth.

"Hey!" Connor protested.

"You aren't gonna share your food with your boyfriend?" Jude pouted.

"You have your own meal plan, you can get your own lunch," Connor countered.

"Well some boyfriend you are," Jude teased.

"Well your boyfriend's _hot_ physique," Connor said, pointing to himself, "requires a lot of calories to maintain!"

"You are so full of yourself," Jude rolled his eyes.

"Am not! Just because I said I have a hot body doesn't mean I'm full of myself," Connor argued.

"Sure. Now prove it."

"Okay. I'm not afraid to admit that I'm not the hottest person in this room," Connor shrugged.

"Oh, and who is the hottest person?" Jude inquired. Connor pretended to glance around the cafeteria for a moment before settling his gaze on Jude.

"That would be you babe," Connor said, pressing a brief kiss on Jude's lips.

"Okay, so you're not full of yourself, you're just incredibly cheesy," Jude grinned.

"Yup, and you love it."

"That's debatable," Jude smirked.

"Baaaaabe," Connor whined, lolling his head on Jude's shoulder.

"Fine, I love it," Jude admitted. "And you. But mostly you," he continued.

"I love you too Jude," Connor replied softly.

"You two make me want to barf," Josh remarked coolly.

"Yeah, I've never seen a relationship so overly sweet like yours," Tyler added.

"Blame him," Jude giggled, nudging Connor gently.

"Nah, I think you're both to blame," Josh sassed. The foursome then settled into an easy back and forth for a while before eventually winding down into silence.

"Hey, I was thinking I was going to take Jude out for a date on Friday, did you guys want to join us and make it a double date?" Connor inquired, trying to fill up the quiet between them. Jude tensed up, not knowing how Josh and Tyler would react to the question. To his surprise, Tyler answered first while Josh still seemed lost in thought.

"Sure, that sounds like fun," Tyler smiled, placing his hand on top of Josh's.

"Okay great!" Connor exclaimed. "Well Jude and I have to get to our next classes, but we'll see you guys around."

Before they walked out, Jude glanced back at the two boys in the booth. They were laughing and smiling. He wondered what had been said to resolve their earlier argument.

* * *

 **Josh POV**

As soon as class was over, I limped out as quickly as I could, on my way to find Tyler so we could talk. I didn't have to go far, stumbling into him only a few steps outside the door.

"Oh sorry," I mumbled, avoiding his eyes.

"It's fine," Tyler shrugged. "Hey, do you know somewhere we can talk?"

"Um, maybe we can go back into the hall," I said, pointing behind me. "There shouldn't be anybody in there now."

Tyler nodded and took my hand, leading me into the room.

"So, what's the big deal here?" Tyler said, confronting me immediately. "I don't understand why this is so important to you."

"No, I can't imagine you would, since you weren't the one who got left," I replied bitterly. "I still don't think you get how much that hurt."

"But I'm back now," Tyler spoke, looking confused.

"I know, and honestly I am so fucking happy that you are—"

"So doesn't that fix it?"

"No Tyler, it doesn't magically erase the scar. Do you know how hard it is for me to trust you right now?"

"I—" Tyler started like he was going to answer and then decided against it. "No, I don't."

"It's almost impossible, and that makes me really anxious, like the kind of anxious that makes it hard to breathe and makes me nauseous," I sighed, hesitating while I considered whether to go on.

"Is it really that bad?" Tyler questioned in the silence while I thought about it.

"It's always really awful when you're not near me," I nodded, continuing on. "I just get overwhelmed by fear that I won't see you again."

"I—I didn't realize that was how you were feeling," Tyler mumbled, looking at his hands as he spoke.

"I just—it's just that I have more faith in the word 'boyfriend' than I have in you right now, and I know that sounds bad, but it's the truth," I explained.

"Yeah, I deserve that," Tyler conceded.

"I guess. But here's the thing: I don't want to force you to do anything about it. Jude told me that would be a bad idea, I just wanted you to know how I was feeling," I responded.

"You talked to Jude about this?"

"Yeah, he's the closest thing I have to a best friend right now," I shrugged.

"Yeah, I guess having other friends is good. Hey Josh, I'm starving. Let's go get lunch and talk about this more tonight, alright?" Tyler suggested, holding out his hand for me to grab.

"Sure," I said, weaving our fingers together while we walked.

"Hey, there's Jude and Connor," Tyler pointed out when we made it to the cafeteria.

"Don't either of them feel suffocated by being that close all the time?" I mused. They always seemed to be on top of each other whenever I saw them.

"Probably not, or else they wouldn't do it," Tyler shrugged.

"Yeah I guess."

We walked up to their table, catching the end of their exchange.

"…you're just incredibly cheesy," Jude was saying.

"Yup, and you love it," Connor retorted.

"That's debatable," Jude said, giving Connor a crooked grin.

"Baaaaabe," Connor whined, throwing his head onto Jude's shoulder.

"Fine, I love it," Jude admitted. "And you. But mostly you."

"I love you too Jude," Connor replied softly as we sat down. They were literally unbelievable. They'd been together only slightly longer than Tyler and I and yet they acted like they'd been together for years. They were so saccharine it made me want to throw up, and I told them as much.

"You two make me want to barf," I interrupted.

"Yeah, I've never seen a relationship so overly sweet like yours," Tyler added, playing along with me. We didn't say much of importance after that, until Connor spoke up in a long pause.

"Hey, I was thinking I was going to take Jude out for a date on Friday, did you guys want to join us and make it a double date?" Connor asked us. I didn't know what to say; would this be something Tyler would be okay with, or was that just a little too couple-y for him? We hadn't even finished our talk about what we were, so I had no clue how to respond.

"Sure, that sounds like fun," Tyler answered, laying his hand over mine, making my stomach do backflips. Tyler and I were going on a date and instantly I forgot about everything still hanging over us, already hardly able to wait for Friday.


	17. Chapter 17

_**Sorry it took me almost a month to update this story...with school now taking up a lot of my time, it's hard to keep up with all 6 of my in-progress multi-chapter fics. Anyway...**_

 _ **This chapter is kind of slow, but it's important to establish some backstory for both Jude and Connor, and set up for their next arc. And for those of you who also enjoy the Josh/Tyler storyline (all five of you lol), they will be back next update, but I felt that this chapter really needed to focus on Jonnor. Hope y'all enjoy! :)**_

* * *

" _The last two days have been perfect,_ " Connor thought, grinning from ear to ear as he walked hand in hand with Jude from lunch to his next class. Connor didn't have a class that afternoon, so he was in no hurry to be anywhere that he wasn't going to be with Jude. As they walked, Connor couldn't help but notice the weather; the sun was shining brightly, casting warmth across his face, and not a cloud was to be seen in the sky. It reminded Connor of how he felt. For the first time in a long time, everything was going right. The clouds hanging over him had dissipated and everything had fallen into place, and Jude, his adorable brown-haired roommate, had become his boyfriend.

Connor was still grinning like an idiot when he dropped Jude off at his class, placing a gentle kiss on his lips and whispering an "I love you" in his ear before reluctantly releasing his hand and watching Jude disappear inside. Connor meandered across campus, lazily making progress towards their room, enjoying the light breeze as he tried to soak up and memorize what he was feeling; the feeling of being so happy that it seemed his chest might burst and a smile that refused to be erased from his face.

" _So this is what being in love feels like_ ," Connor thought. Movie clichés didn't even come close to describing the joy that filled his entire body from knowing that Jude loved him and was his boyfriend. Connor was certain that he wanted to feel this way forever.

And then Connor spotted that unmistakable mane of dark curly hair standing directly in his path, and suddenly the gray clouds of his mood reversed their path, completely blocking out the sun and casting a dark shadow over Connor's indescribable happiness. He quickly ducked behind a tree, breathing heavily as he tried to process what—well who he'd seen.

"What is _she_ doing here," Connor muttered, anxiously running hand through his hair. Connor knew she went here, but he assumed that he would never see her, given just how huge the campus was. At least, he had hoped he would never see her; she was the only person here with any connection to his past life (specifically to his dad). She was the only one who could say things that would send everything Connor had built so far fluttering down to the ground like a house of cards.

Connor waited a few minutes, battling the tightness in his chest as he tried to convince himself that it was okay. Finally he peeked out around the tree, exhaling loudly when she was nowhere to be seen. He wasted no time, hurrying back to the room before there was any chance of running into her again and curling up on the couch, trying to fight off the rising panic in his chest. Campus was _huge_ —it was purely coincidence that they had crossed paths. He wasn't going to see her again, right? They couldn't cross paths again, or else Connor would be screwed. If she found out, it was almost a certainty that his dad would find out and then—Connor shuddered to think about what would happen then. These thoughts ran around in circles in his head, occupying his brain until he drifted off, falling asleep on the couch.

* * *

When Connor woke up, he had rolled over so that he was on his back, and Jude had come in while he was sleeping and had positioned himself so that he was lying on top of Connor, head resting on Connor's chest, snoring softly and sound asleep. Connor sighed contentedly, the panic of earlier forgotten as he snaked his arms around Jude, feeling Jude's completely relaxed body up against his. Connor smiled softly, running a hand through Jude's hair, wondering what he did to snag someone like Jude.

Connor didn't know how long he had been lying there, watching Jude sleep, his mind devoid of any thoughts except those about Jude, when there was a knock on the door. Connor briefly considered his options; he could wake Jude up so he could answer the door (that was out of the question; Connor was not going to rouse Jude from his slumber), or he could ignore it and then the people outside would have three options: call or text whichever one of them they were there to see, leave, or come in (since the door was unlocked).

Before Connor could actually make a decision, the door swung open and two women walked in. One had blonde hair, a stout frame and a commanding presence, and the other had dark curly hair, wore a warm smile, and had an easy, approachable air to her. Despite the friendly expressions they wore, Connor reflexively pulled Jude in tighter to his body, as if pulling him closer would make it easier for Connor to protect Jude if the women's intentions turned out to be less than friendly.

"Well isn't this just the most adorable sight," the blonde woman cooed upon taking in the sight of the two boys on the couch. Connor's eyebrows furrowed in confusion; she wasn't wrong about them looking adorable (he didn't need a mirror or picture to know that), but he had never seen these two women before in his life. Unless they knew Jude, why would they care?

"I'm Lena," the other woman said, reading Connor's face and extending her hand, "and that's my wife Stef. We're Jude's moms."

"Oh," Connor replied quietly. "I'm Connor," he added, clumsily removing an arm from around Jude so he could shake Lena's hand.

"It's nice to finally meet you Connor," Stef said, sitting down on the edge of the coffee table across from the sofa.

"Yeah, we've heard so much about you already," Lena continued, causing Connor's stomach to drop a little.

"Y-you have?" Connor stuttered, trying to keep his face neutral despite feeling nervous, since he had no idea what kind of things Jude had been telling his moms about him.

"You can relax love," Stef chuckled upon taking in Connor's reaction. "It's mostly been good things."

"What sort of good things?"

"Con stop talking, I'm trying to sleep," Jude murmured into Connor's chest before Stef had the opportunity to answer.

"Hey bubba," Lena said before Connor could respond. Jude groggily lifted his head, turning it so he could face his moms and still rest it on Connor, opening his eyes to look at his moms.

"Hi mama, mom," Jude said, a yawn eating up most of his words and making them nearly unintelligible.

"Someone sounds a little tired," Stef remarked teasingly, reaching over and affectionately ruffling Jude's hair, and action that Connor repeated, a small grin on his face as he felt Jude lean into the touch.

"It's his fault," Jude mumbled, nudging his head into Connor's chest slightly. "You know, since his chest is like, the comfiest pillow ever."

"Aww babe," Connor giggled, placing a kiss on the top of Jude's head.

" _Babe_? Jude, how come you didn't tell us Connor was your boyfriend?" Stef asked indignantly, lightly smacking Jude's shoulder.

"It's kind of a new thing," Jude shrugged, sitting up because Connor was sitting up and forcing him to do the same.

"Meaning?" Lena questioned leadingly, looking at Connor suspiciously.

"We've only been official for two days," Jude answered.

"But we've been an unofficial thing for quite a while before that," Connor interjected quickly, trying to assure them upon seeing the questioning look Jude's moms shared, he assumed, over his and Jude's comfort with physical closeness so early in their relationship.

"Yeah," Jude nodded in agreement, standing up and motioning for his moms to do the same, tightly embracing both of them. "So where are we going?"

"That's a secret," Stef smirked.

"Mooooom," Jude whined, tugging at Stef's sleeve like a small child. Stef just laughed at him and Jude slumped his shoulders. Connor giggled at Jude's behavior; seeing Jude act like a small child was rather adorable and endearing. His laughter faded quickly when neither Stef nor Lena turned to Connor to ask him about tagging along. Connor assumed he wasn't invited and sadly moved to embrace Jude before he left.

"Well I guess I'll see you later," Connor said, straining to hide his disappointment that he wasn't invited as he pulled Jude into a hug.

"You don't want to come?" Jude questioned, a small (yet still totally irresistible) pout settling on his lips.

"No, I do, but your moms didn't invite me," Connor answered.

"Trust me, they want you to come, even if they didn't ask," Jude chortled, separating from Connor (except for their hands which stayed connected). "I'm pretty sure they'd heckle me about why you didn't tag along all evening if you didn't."

"Well, alright I'll come, but only to save you from your moms," Connor giggled, excitedly following Jude out into the hallway.

Jude glared at him, but his expression softened quickly when Connor placed a long kiss on his cheek. Jude ducked his head, the glare being replaced by a blush at being kissed in front of his moms (even though they hadn't looking).

* * *

They went to a local restaurant for dinner, and after some conversation about school and how Jude had been adjusting, Jude's moms turned their attention to Connor (as both Jude and Connor figured they would at some point).

"So, where are you from?" Stef inquired.

"Let the interrogation begin," Jude sighed, unable to resist being snarky, rolling his eyes as he squeezed Connor's hand under the table.

"Well excuse me for wanting to find out a little bit about my precious baby's first boyfriend," Stef chided, narrowing her gaze on Jude with only a half-threatening expression on her face.

"Really, I'm your first boyfriend?" Connor questioned, quirking his eyebrows at Jude, who was blushing deeply at being referred to as his moms' "precious baby".

"Well, all the gay boys I went to high school with were disgusting fuckboys so I didn't date," Jude shrugged, avoiding Connor's eyes out of embarrassment.

"Wow, so I'm under extra pressure to live up to eighteen years of expectations about what dating should be like," Connor joked.

"Well you've already exceeded all of them so," Jude mumbled, looking down at their entwined hands, as the blush on his cheeks grew a few shades darker.

"Hey, I'm supposed to be the cheesy one here!" Connor exclaimed, faking disdain at Jude's words.

"Ahem," Lena cleared her throat, grabbing the boys' attention. "As much fun as your banter is to watch, we are feeling just a little left out over here," she explained, an amused look on her face as she spoke.

"Sorry," Connor apologized, turning bright pink. "Sometimes I forget there are other people around when I'm with Jude."

"I understand," Stef chuckled. "I still do that with Lena too."

"Alright, can we be done with this cliché fest and actually let Connor tell us a few things about himself?" Lena pleaded, though the bemused look never left her face.

"Um, well I'm 18, a computer engineering student from here in LA, and I play on the school's baseball team," Connor outlined nervously.

"How long have you and Jude known each other?" Stef asked, almost instantly going into what Jude knew as her "investigative cop" mode. Jude shot her a look that was ignored, though he kept trying to get her to notice his displeasure at the way she was questioning Connor.

"I think ten months?" Connor answered, biting his lip. "We were friends on the internet for a long time before we became roommates."

"We know," Stef snorted. "Jude wouldn't shut up about you when you first became friends. That's how we already know so much about you. He didn't mention that you were gay though."

"I haven't been out that long," Connor mumbled, avoiding both Stef and Lena's eyes, knowing that revealing that would count as a strike against him. "I was a pretty bad closet case. And I would still be if it wasn't for Jude."

"Unsupportive parents?" Lena prodded, her voice much softer and far more understanding than her wife's.

"Sort of," Connor replied quietly. "My mom would've been fine with it, but I lived with my dad and he just—he just made it clear he wouldn't be okay with it. My mom knows but dad still doesn't and—well I'm not in a rush to tell him soon."

Jude put an arm around Connor's shoulder, drawing him in close to his side as a few stray tears leaked down Connor's cheeks.

"I got beat up a few times because I did things that he thought were 'too gay', so I don't think he'd take finding out I was actually gay well," Connor added unsteadily, clenching his eyes shut as he tightly clutched Jude for support.

"I'm so sorry Con," Jude whispered in his ear, rubbing his back soothingly.

"I've done a lot of things that I regret just to please him or put on a good face," Connor sniffled, a few more tears falling from his eyes.

"We understand love," Stef said, patting Connor's forearm gently. "Trust me when I say that we've all been there."

"I'm sorry, I shouldn't be pouring my heart out to you guys. You barely know me," Connor said, sitting up straighter as he wiped the tears off his face using his sleeve. "Anyway…"

* * *

Jude barely took his eyes off Connor the rest of the night; Connor had clammed up and wouldn't say anything more about his dad or his past. He just avoided any questions about that completely and Jude was worried about him; it couldn't be good for him to keep that all bottled up. He severely doubted that Connor had ever talked about his dad's abuse with anyone before.

They got back to the room late and went right to bed. Jude pulled Connor into his arms and Connor immediately snuggled into his neck. The Connor Jude was holding in his arms felt different somehow. He felt more fragile and not nearly as strong, as if he was desperately trying to hold himself together and keep from falling apart. Jude couldn't have possibly imagined just how much damage growing up with his dad had done to Connor.

"It's okay to cry if you want to," Jude whispered in his softest, most loving tone. That was all it took; Connor started convulsing violently, choked sobs and wails assaulting Jude's ears. Jude could feel his shirt getting wet and the skin of his neck getting damper, but he didn't care. He just held Connor as tightly as he could, holding him together until Connor stopped crying and fell asleep.

"I love you Connor. No matter what," Jude mumbled, and then closed his eyes to join Connor in sleep.

* * *

Jude woke up first the next morning and he took a moment to examine Connor as he slept. The pain and anguish on his face had been erased, leaving in its place a peaceful expression, one that Jude wished he could see on Connor's face more often.

Jude thought about the things Connor had said the night before; specifically about being beaten by his dad. He wondered about what Connor might still be hiding from him, and he wondered if Connor would still hide those things if Connor knew just how much he understood what that felt like.

"Whatcha thinking about?" Connor asked, having stirred from his slumber, resting his chin on Jude's chest so he could look him in the eye.

"I was thinking about uh," Jude hesitated for a moment before pressing on; he needed to tell Connor these things anyway. "I was thinking about my days in the foster care system."

"You were in foster care?" Connor questioned, his eyes going wide at the new revelation.

"Yeah, for six years," Jude replied weakly, squeezing his eyes shut as the painful memories started to flash across his brain.

"What was it like?"

"Horrible mostly," Jude answered, pausing for a moment before continuing on. "How closely did you look when I was shirtless yesterday morning?"

"Not all that close," Connor shrugged, a small smirk on his face. "It was hard to really focus on anything except the fact that you were standing in front of me in only your boxers."

"Okay well," Jude said, gently rolling Connor off of him so he could lift his shirt up and reveal a long scar across his stomach.

"How did you get that?" Connor wondered, looking up at Jude questioningly as he traced the path of the scar with his fingers.

"It was uh…"

Jude stopped, struggling to force any words out of his open mouth.

"It's okay, you don't have to tell me if you don't want to," Connor whispered, pulling Jude's shirt back down and placing a brief, soft kiss on his cheek.

"No Con, I need to. I want you to know this stuff about me," Jude countered, taking a deep breath before soldiering on. "I was abused a lot in foster care, but the worst time was when I was 12. I got the scar because one of my foster fathers attacked me with a knife a-after—after I had t-tried on one of h-his wife's dresses out of c-curiosity."

"That's awful," Connor said, unable to hide the contempt in his voice for this man that he didn't even know. He couldn't imagine who could ever find it within them to hurt his sweet boyfriend.

"I ended up with Stef and Lena because of it," Jude responded, smiling weakly. "So it wasn't all bad. I—I just wanted to let you know that I understand. You know, what you went through with your dad."

Connor quickly connected their lips, kissing Jude softly, slowly and deeply.

"I love you Jude," Connor said, wearing an ear-to-ear grin. "And thanks for telling me that. I can tell it wasn't easy and I appreciate you doing it anyway so I wouldn't feel so alone."

"I just don't want you to be afraid to share anything with me. I love you too Con, no matter what," Jude murmured, pressing their lips together.

"Thanks," Connor breathed out quickly, before going back to kissing Jude passionately.

Jude didn't know how long they'd been kissing when they were rudely interrupted by his alarm. They both reluctantly got up and got dressed, walking to class hand in hand. The walk was mostly quiet, the two just enjoying the others company, until a shrill voice called out to Connor.

"Hey Connor!"

Connor grimaced, dropping Jude's hand and turning to face the source of the words, confronted by the curls that he so despised.

"H-hey Daria," Connor answered feebly, the color rapidly draining from his face. "Wh-what are you doing here?"

"I go here silly, remember?" Daria giggled, slapping Connor's arm playfully.

"Oh right. I forgot," Connor mumbled, looking at his feet and shuffling over closer to Jude; being close to Jude gave Connor strength he didn't usually have on his own.

"So who's this?" Daria asked, eyes raking over Jude in curiosity and also—well Connor didn't want to know what Daria might be thinking about Jude, not that it mattered; Jude was already his.

Connor swallowed, color draining from his face. His anxiety wasn't because he thought Daria would judge him, but because Daria's dad was close to his dad. It could be a big mistake to tell her. All it would take was one slip of the tongue and his secret would make its way back to his dad. Once that happened, Connor would be fucked.

"Jude. He's my roommate and boy—best friend," Connor replied, the word "boyfriend" getting caught in his throat before he could say it. He could feel Jude's eyes boring a hole through the side of his head as he hesitated, but Connor couldn't force the words out. He was too terrified by the consequences of Daria finding out.

"Yeah, and I have to get going to class," Jude added flatly, the disappointment in his voice frightening Connor. "I'll see you in the room later."

Connor turned and watched Jude walk away, his head low and his hands shoved into his pockets. It took everything within Connor not to run after Jude immediately and apologize.

"Jesus Christ Connor, don't let him just walk away," Daria groaned, lightly smacking Connor upside the head.

"What?" Connor asked blankly.

"You think I'm blind? He's obviously your boyfri—"

"Shhh!" Connor said in a panicked rush, clapping a hand over Daria's mouth before she could finish. "You can't tell anyone at home!"

"Relax Connor," Daria rolled her eyes, prying his hand away. "You really think I'd stoop so low as to out you?"

"Maybe," Connor argued, the memories of their days together in high school rocketing to the forefront of his consciousness. "How can I trust someone who cheated on me?"

"That was four years ago, give it a rest! Besides, you're gay so it doesn't matter."

"Yes it does! It doesn't make cheating on me right! I mean, you lied right to my face about sleeping with Jonathan! How can I know you're not lying to me now?"

"I guess you'll just have to believe me," Daria shrugged. "Really Connor, I'm not going to tell my dad or your dad. So go talk to Jude. Now!"

Connor stared at her for a moment, weighing his options before making the decision to trust her. What choice did he really have? And every second he let Jude stew in his disappointment increased Connor's guilt. So he turned around and chased after the rapidly disappearing figure of his boyfriend.


	18. Chapter 18

_**I...this is an ending. It's a hot mess but...it's better than leaving it where it was, like I had sorta been planning to do.**_

* * *

 _ ***Nearly Three Years Later***_

Connor patched things up with Jude pretty quickly. He was very understanding once Connor explained that Daria knew his dad. And Daria was good on her word, because as far as he knew, his dad hadn't found out. But—Connor hadn't heard from his dad in six months, so he had no way of knowing for sure. Maybe that's why he hadn't been talking to him.

Not that it mattered if that was true, because no matter what he still had Jude, and their relationship was as strong as ever. And his life was honestly incredible. He made the starting lineup for the UCLA baseball team in that very first year, and now, after three strong seasons, he was being scouted by MLB teams. _Scouted_!

Oh, and not to mention that right now, he and Jude were in Omaha, because UCLA was playing in the finals of the College World Series. Their series with Texas A&M was tied, one game apiece and the final game was tonight. All they had to do was win, and they'd be the NCAA Division I baseball champs.

"Jeez Connor, you look like you're gonna pass out—or throw up," Josh commented while they were sitting on their beds in their hotel room that afternoon. Josh was now a senior, and had been Connor's roomie on road trips since the very beginning (mostly because he didn't mind if Jude, who came along on all roadies, snuck in to snuggle with Connor overnight (and that was because Connor didn't mind if Josh did the same with Tyler (but they definitely had a rule against having sex in the room because—well, they were a close-knit group, but there were limits))).

"What? Oh, I'm fine," Connor replied distractedly.

"Yeah, this is nothing," Jude remarked, slipping into the room. "You should've seen him before the time I first watched him play."

"How was that more nerve-wracking than playing a win-or-go-home game in front of millions of people?" Josh inquired, and Tyler sat up and punched him in the shoulder.

"Shut the fuck up Josh, you're not helping him. Besides, how are _you_ so calm? I'm already a nervous wreck and I'm not even playing!"

"I don't know," Josh shrugged. "But I'm not gonna question it."

"You'll be great Con, I know it," Jude murmured, putting his arm around Connor's shoulders to coax him to the head of the bed. "You always are."

"Thanks Jude," Connor sighed, breathing deeply as Jude ran his fingers through his hair.

"I can't believe that this is your last baseball game," he heard Tyler say quietly to Josh.

"Aww c'mon Tyler, you can't get emotional about this or I'm gonna start crying," Josh replied, pulling Tyler into a headlock.

"Alright, alright, I won't!" Tyler laughed, struggling feebly against Josh's strong arms.

"You two disgust me," Connor snorted, feeling Jude's chest bounce as he giggled up against him.

"Oh be quiet!" they both snapped at the same time.

"Everyone knows that you two are worse," Tyler quipped, tossing a pillow at them, which caused an impromptu pillow fight, going a long way to relieving some of Connor's tension.

Eventually they ran out of time, and everyone had to go their separate ways for the game, but Connor held Tyler back in the room for an extra moment, slipping something in his jacket pocket.

"I don't care what you have to do," Connor whispered. "But make sure that and Jude gets to me after the game."

"Sure thing Con," Tyler nodded understandingly. "But this—this is a huge stage. You sure you want to do this?" he added.

"I've never been so sure of anything in my life before," Connor answered confidently. He'd had this planned out since they knew they were playing in the finals.

"Okay. I guess now, go knock 'em dead!"

"We'll do our best," Connor smiled, patting Tyler on the shoulder before jogging after Josh.

* * *

Jude was vibrating from nerves. The game was tight, and they were down 5-4 in the bottom of the ninth inning, two outs, a runner on third (Josh), and Connor up to bat. Connor had to get a hit for UCLA to at least tie the game and force extra innings for a chance at winning the championship.

Connor had been in this position before, and Jude knew he was calm, but Jude was never calm when Connor was playing. Tyler, sitting on his left, put a hand on Jude's shoulder in support, and his mom, on his right did the same. Connor looked up in the stands, like he always did before he came up to bat, smiling at Jude. Jude returned the smile, though he was sure it came out looking more like a grimace. Connor paused, and gave Jude a reassuring look.

 _I got this_ , he was telling him.

Jude nodded, and Connor stepped into the batter's box, digging his heels in and staring the pitcher down. He was Texas A&M's closer, and he hadn't blown a save all year (in 29 attempts). With a fastball topping out at 98 MPH, a change up nearly 15 MPH slower (the change in speed had many batters way out in front of the pitch), and a slider with nearly two and a half feet of break, he was virtually unhittable. Jude knew all this, as did Connor, but Connor didn't seem at all fazed.

The first pitch was a slider that missed the strike zone, and on the next pitch, Connor watched a changeup paint the outside corner for a strike. But the third pitch, a fastball right down the middle, Connor jumped on, smacking it out to straight away center field. The centerfielder took one look up at the ball, and began trotting in towards his dugout; there was no doubt that it was leaving the ballpark, a homerun that gave UCLA the 6-5 walk-off win.

Jude leapt to his feet, screaming and hugging his moms. He turned to Tyler, who grabbed his arm and began pulling him down towards the field.

"Can we even go down there?" Jude yelled over the roar of the crowd.

"No idea," Tyler shrugged. "But we're doing it anyway."

They jumped over the dugout, and no one stopped them, so they ran into the scrum of players celebrating on the field. Jude had just barely found Connor at the bottom of the pile when a reporter came jogging up to them.

"Connor! Connor! Can we have minute?" she asked.

"Yeah, sure," Connor grinned, tossing an arm around Jude and dragging him along. Unseen to Jude, Tyler came by and slipped something into Connor's hand before going back to join Josh.

"Wow, that was absolutely incredible," the reporter—Holly prompted, sticking a microphone in Connor's face.

"Yeah, it was pretty crazy," Connor replied, squeezing Jude tightly into his side, forcing him into view of the camera.

"I'm hearing that that homerun was measured at 483 feet. Tell me, what was going through your head as you were at the plate?"

"I was just thinking I had to find a way to win this game for the guys," Connor shrugged.

"Well, I certainly can say you did that," Holly chuckled. "Now Connor, you're only a junior, but given the series you had here in Omaha, I have to imagine there's going to be a lot of interest from MLB teams. Any thoughts about leaving school and entering the draft?"

"No, I'm not planning on it," Connor answered, turning to beam at Jude. "I've got a few more important things left at UCLA yet."

"Such as?" the reporter pressed.

"This guy right here," Connor said, turning to press a kiss to Jude's cheek. "He's got one year left, so I'm staying at UCLA with him."

"Oh, well then—"

"Jude."

"Jude, you must be very important, if Connor Stevens is putting his MLB career on hold for you."

"I like to think so, yeah," Jude said, feeling Connor's arm slip out from around his shoulders.

"Oh my," Holly gasped a few seconds later, her eyes going wide at whatever Connor was doing. Jude turned to see what was going on, and his heart nearly stopped.

" _Con,"_ he whispered, using his hands to cover his mouth. Connor was holding a small felt box, down on one knee, in front of 24,000 fans in the stadium and millions more watching on television.

"Jude," Connor started, looking up at Jude with already teary eyes. "Oh Jude, I know without a doubt that I wouldn't be here right now without you. I'm only everything I am because I've had you at my side for the last three years. I may have just won the College World Series, but no thrill could ever compare to the way I feel when you smile at me. But even so, I can't think of a better stage to declare that I love you and that I always will, no matter what. If what happened in this game is any indication, a lot is going to change in the next couple of years, but I know without a doubt that I want to face that with you. So Jude Adams-Foster, will you marry me?"

Jude nodded rapidly because he knew his voice would be no use. Connor gave him a blinding smile, taking the simple gold band from the box and slipping it on his finger, and then rising to his feet and kissing Jude thoroughly.

"Congratulations you two," Holly said, crying herself, and then she and the camera man turned and went on to interview their next player. Tyler and Josh came running up to them, mobbing them, as did Jude's moms, who had managed to force their way onto the field when they saw what was happening.

"I cannot _believe_ you," Jude cried happily, clinging onto Connor.

"I—actually it was Josh who suggested it when I said I thinking about proposing," Connor ducked his head and blushed.

" _Josh,"_ Tyler exclaimed, tossing an arm around his boyfriend's shoulder. "You never told me you had a secret romantic side!"

"Surprise?" Josh chuckled. "Honestly, I always have, I just didn't think you'd be into it."

"Well I'm not, but— _bro_. Who would really object to gesture like that?"

Josh shrugged.

"You know, I always knew they'd get engaged before us," Tyler remarked.

"I almost beat him to it," Josh grumbled good-naturedly.

"Oh really?" Tyler replied, his eyebrows shooting up.

"Yeah, I was gonna do it while we were celebrating later," Josh answered and slapped the ring into Tyler's hand. "But whatever. So what do you say?"

"Oh come on, I know you weren't gonna do some grand thing, but you have to at least ask me properly," Tyler rolled his eyes, even though he was grinning.

"Alright fine, but you know I still can't really kneel," Josh responded. His knee never fully recovered from the injury back in his sophomore year. It was a big part of the reason he wasn't going to be going onto the next level of baseball. His knee just held him back too much for that to be a viable option. "Unlike those two, we have absolutely no fucking clue what we're doing next. But whatever I do, I want to do it with you, so, marry me?"

"You bet," Tyler giggled, putting the ring on his finger on his own. "C'mon, now let's go crash their engagement celebration."

"Crash?" Josh frowned. "Don't you mean join?"

"Same difference."

"It's not and you're ridiculous."

"You know you love it."

* * *

The four of them didn't get back to their room until late and Connor and Josh were so exhausted they just collapsed on their beds, dragging Jude and Tyler along with them. Jude couldn't stop grinning as he curled up around his—fiancé (and wow, wasn't that an awesome thing to be able to say), still wide awake from the adrenaline rush that hadn't worn off for him.

Connor's phone rang, and both Tyler and Josh yelled at him to shut it off, and Connor didn't even bother to open his eyes as he answered it.

"Hey buddy."

Connor immediately sat up, eyes wide. "Dad?"

"Yeah sport, it's me."

"What—" Connor swallowed thickly. "Why are you calling me?"

"To tell you that I'm proud of you."

Connor pulled the phone away from his ear and checked that it was really his dad on the line.

"I know that you're probably didn't expect to hear that from me, but I really mean it," Adam said softly. "I've been working really hard to get my life together and I—I like to think I'm not the person I used to be. So I just wanted to tell you that I'm happy for you. Jude seems like a wonderful young man."

For the second time that day, Connor started crying. "Thank you dad."

"Alright, well I guess that all I wanted to say. Bye Connor."

"Bye dad. I love you."

"Yeah son, I love you too."

Connor hung up and collapsed into his fiancé's arms, happier and more content than he'd ever been before. His life had come so far from where it was that first day when he learned that he and Jude were roommates.

* * *

 _ **I'm sorry about the last line...and everything else before it...basically I'm sorry for this whole mess of a final chapter.**_


End file.
